You'll remember the Q&B Saga. We all thought it was finished, but the snow has revealed otherwise. Technically, it's not entirely their fault, but they started it.
When they were planning the kitchen, the process involved moving the sink a little to the left. This seemed fine, but when it came to be executed, the washing machine ended up covering the stopcock thing that you use to turn the water off. "Meh." I thought, "It's not like I'd know what to do with it anyway".
Fast forward a couple of years, and the tap starts dripping. At first, it's quite a small drip, and then gradually, it gets bigger, until, two years later, it's really Quite Something. I have a washer, but I can't change it until the water is switched off at the mains, and I can't do that because the stopcock is behind the washing machine (this is where the thing about whose fault it all is gets a little fuzzy, as it may be merely opportune that I can blame them for hiding a stopcock I don't know how to use anyway).
Then it snows and gets very cold. So the drips are quite small, which means that they freeze quite easily; there are also quite a lot of them, and therefore they eventually club together and block the pipe out of the sink. So, to summarise, the outlet pipe from the sink is frozen and the sink won't drain.
I'm on my own, as The Sister got laser eyes in yesterday and had to stay at The Boyfriend's overnight to make up for it. There is a reasonable chance that it makes no difference whether she's here or not, of course.
Also, the bathroom light switch has stopped working. I think the spring has broken. It's stuck at off, which means I have to pee in the dark, but at least it's better on account of The Planet and so on.
So I need someone who could come and unblock the pipe and change the washer in the tap and fix the light, but as it's only 3 sleeps till Christmas, I can't be bothered thinking about it. Also I have lots of work to finish before then.
So my main question is whether there is any danger in leaving the pipe frozen. I suppose the difficulty is that it may have burst, and then thaw when I'm not here, but since I think it's frozen outside, that may not be a problem. Also, it's not like it's a mains pipe, so there'd only be the water that's actually in it. It wouldn't flood the whole house.
And all of this leaves out the question of whether there's enough anti-freeze in the car. It was done in January, and I'm told it should last 2 years, so I think it's ok.
Showing posts with label Incompetent Bandits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Incompetent Bandits. Show all posts
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Gardening
I'm sorry I haven't posted much of late. I've been very, very busy. Like, not just regular old busy. Really, really crazy busy. Working all day and then some in the evening busy.
Also, I decided to dig up my garden. This is all part of a vastly overambitious and, undoubtedly, ultimately doomed (but what is the blog for if not to tell you about things going hilariously wrong?) plan to landscape my garden. After spending quite some time digging up the grass (with my sister saying things like 'Why are you doing it yourself? Should we not get someone in? What if you do it wrong?' - to which I responded 'Because it's about 2 ft sq of grass, and if we got someone in they'd laugh at us for being pathetic, and then charge us, like, £400, and anyway, how hard can it be, and what's the worst that can happen?') the plan has been slightly scaled down, and is now more of the order of making a place for the bins to sit.
I initially had a mind to put up a new fence as well (the old one is going to just fall over some day soon), but this was roundly decried by the naysayers who don't think I could construct a fence, so we're getting someone in to do it instead (of course, when they said I'd never be able to do it, I wanted to try even more, but then I realised the materials would be quite expensive and I don't want to go wrong with expensive things). Our current options for the Fence Constructor are as follows:
1) A man who did my aunt's fence. Having been quoted £600 from everyone else, this guy charged about £100 (these figures may not be literally correct, but they give an idea of the relative gulf between the quotes). Now, ordinarily, this would worry me (you will recollect that The Builder wasn't the most expensive guy in the... um... place where builders are), but my dad was already leaning towards hiring him, and then heard that he works hard all day and doesn't accept any offers of cups of tea, and this seemed to clinch it. You may recollect that The Builder didn't accept offers of cups of tea either, and look how that turned out. Also, there was the guy who did the windows a few years ago. He was cheap and didn't drink tea, and is now in jail, which may have invalidated my warranty.
2) Sister's friend Lucy's cousin who is a gardener. This was going well until I pointed out that what we really need is not so much a gardener as someone to build a fence. Anyway, he's coming round on Monday to give us a quote.
In any case, I'm perfectly certain it will be a merry disaster, as these things always are, but you will, of course, be kept informed.
Also, I decided to dig up my garden. This is all part of a vastly overambitious and, undoubtedly, ultimately doomed (but what is the blog for if not to tell you about things going hilariously wrong?) plan to landscape my garden. After spending quite some time digging up the grass (with my sister saying things like 'Why are you doing it yourself? Should we not get someone in? What if you do it wrong?' - to which I responded 'Because it's about 2 ft sq of grass, and if we got someone in they'd laugh at us for being pathetic, and then charge us, like, £400, and anyway, how hard can it be, and what's the worst that can happen?') the plan has been slightly scaled down, and is now more of the order of making a place for the bins to sit.
I initially had a mind to put up a new fence as well (the old one is going to just fall over some day soon), but this was roundly decried by the naysayers who don't think I could construct a fence, so we're getting someone in to do it instead (of course, when they said I'd never be able to do it, I wanted to try even more, but then I realised the materials would be quite expensive and I don't want to go wrong with expensive things). Our current options for the Fence Constructor are as follows:
1) A man who did my aunt's fence. Having been quoted £600 from everyone else, this guy charged about £100 (these figures may not be literally correct, but they give an idea of the relative gulf between the quotes). Now, ordinarily, this would worry me (you will recollect that The Builder wasn't the most expensive guy in the... um... place where builders are), but my dad was already leaning towards hiring him, and then heard that he works hard all day and doesn't accept any offers of cups of tea, and this seemed to clinch it. You may recollect that The Builder didn't accept offers of cups of tea either, and look how that turned out. Also, there was the guy who did the windows a few years ago. He was cheap and didn't drink tea, and is now in jail, which may have invalidated my warranty.
2) Sister's friend Lucy's cousin who is a gardener. This was going well until I pointed out that what we really need is not so much a gardener as someone to build a fence. Anyway, he's coming round on Monday to give us a quote.
In any case, I'm perfectly certain it will be a merry disaster, as these things always are, but you will, of course, be kept informed.
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
I feel lied to
I am a bit of a traditionalist at heart, at least as far as my household utility shopping habits are concerned. I generally feel that long-established companies are better to deal with than newfangled ones, because they have the experience and good procedures and so on, and they wouldn't have got away with things for 75 years if they hadn't.
This is possibly not a well-founded opinion, I freely admit, but it has kept me with my phone company (which we'll call TB) for almost 10 years now, on the grounds that, while they may have been a little more expensive than the competition, they at least had decent customer service and would do something if things went wrong, and also that generally there were no hidden do-das or unmentioned terms and conditions, and you knew what you were paying for.
However. A few weeks ago, I got a letter from them advertising their new Broadband deals, claiming that they start from 'as little as £4.99 a month'. Since I have been interested in getting Broadband at home (owing to no longer being able to freeload from work), I thought this really sounded quite good; they would be a reliable supplier and it would also have avoided having to get a man to come and rewire things and so on and so forth. But then I went online and investigated, and discovered that you have to sign up to a long contract (12 months, from memory), and that the £4.99 deal is only for the first 3 months, after which you have to pay something like £14.99 on top of your line rental. So actually, they do Broadband from as little as £14.99 a month, but give you a discount for the first 3 months, which is rather a different matter.
And now I feel like I have been lied to; if they had told me upfront that it was £14.99 a month, but that the first few months came at a reduced rate, I might have been interested (although it would still be too expensive), and even if I didn't take up the offer, I would have felt that they had given me all the pertinent facts; instead I now feel like they are a bunch of lying toe-rags, and I think I might change my telephone provider, just because.
So they should not have done that, and I hope they will learn from their mistake.
This is possibly not a well-founded opinion, I freely admit, but it has kept me with my phone company (which we'll call TB) for almost 10 years now, on the grounds that, while they may have been a little more expensive than the competition, they at least had decent customer service and would do something if things went wrong, and also that generally there were no hidden do-das or unmentioned terms and conditions, and you knew what you were paying for.
However. A few weeks ago, I got a letter from them advertising their new Broadband deals, claiming that they start from 'as little as £4.99 a month'. Since I have been interested in getting Broadband at home (owing to no longer being able to freeload from work), I thought this really sounded quite good; they would be a reliable supplier and it would also have avoided having to get a man to come and rewire things and so on and so forth. But then I went online and investigated, and discovered that you have to sign up to a long contract (12 months, from memory), and that the £4.99 deal is only for the first 3 months, after which you have to pay something like £14.99 on top of your line rental. So actually, they do Broadband from as little as £14.99 a month, but give you a discount for the first 3 months, which is rather a different matter.
And now I feel like I have been lied to; if they had told me upfront that it was £14.99 a month, but that the first few months came at a reduced rate, I might have been interested (although it would still be too expensive), and even if I didn't take up the offer, I would have felt that they had given me all the pertinent facts; instead I now feel like they are a bunch of lying toe-rags, and I think I might change my telephone provider, just because.
So they should not have done that, and I hope they will learn from their mistake.
Monday, 12 May 2008
An Update on the Building work
It's been a while since you got an update on the building work, so I decided it was high time to fill you in.
When we left off, the builders had been sacked, but most things were finished. The downstairs room was more-or-less complete, aside from a pane of glass above the double doors which go into the living room. One of the neighbours helped me out with this, and it's now all done; Papa Smile has been and decorated and it all really looks rather fabulous. I even managed to sort out curtains and make a Roman blind, although I haven't yet figured a way of attaching the latter to the window frame. One step at a time.
But the bathroom. Ah, the bathroom. This was less complete, requiring as it did a window, a door jamb (not sure how to spell that) and a lock to attach to it, sealant around the bath, and a shower screen.
The above-mentioned neighbour is handy with glass, and sorted out the window for us; my dad completed the tiling around it and it all looks well and no longer lets air in. The door jamb is too complicated, and has been left alone for the time being, while we build up our DIY experience levels; without this there's nothing to attach the lock to, so it is waiting on my bookshelf (I tell you that here so that when we finally get the jamb attached, I'll be able to look this up and remind myself where I left the lock). We'll come back to the sealant in a moment, but before it went on we had to get the shower screen up.
Now, you will recall that I mentioned, back in January, being off work for a time; this was due to stress. The first day of the stress was a Friday, and I had woken up in the grip of a severe panic attack (which kicked off the trip to the doctor which led to the time off). Anyway, I was in a hysterical sort of mood, and by coincidence my dad chose that day to come and install the shower screen (thinking, of course, that I'd be at work). My dad is generally full of confidence when it comes to DIY, and even with that it doesn't always work out in the expected manner, so it was a bit ominous when he arrived and said (after calming me down and feeding me toast) that he wasn't really sure how this shower screen worked and he's not very good at this sort of thing anyway. So I went back to bed, and lay there learning new swear words; when I re-emerged, I had a shower screen which was more impressive than the level of swearing had promised.
A quick squirt of sealant round the bath and that was that, except that there was a gap in the sealant round about the place where the water pools when you have a shower, so a week later the living room ceiling started to leak. I added a bit more sealant, but then the bath sunk a bit (worrying, under most circumstances, but as a relative thing, somewhere near the bottom of the list) and created a whole new gap, so the water is still pouring through and the paper has fallen off the living room ceiling. So this still needs fixing.
And finally, the landing cupboard. To set the scene, because I realise I haven't mentioned this cupboard a lot, what with all the other exitement, we were left with an empty cupboard with no shelves and no door. My dad, energised by the (relative) success of the shower door, decided he could tackle this, or at least the shelving therein. So he had to construct 3 shelves and attach them to the inside of the cupboard. Fortunately, my dad is a great believer in the saying 'Measure twice, cut once'; unfortunately, he tends to be in too much of a hurry to actually implement this belief, and so it was that I went out into the landing to find one not-too-bad shelf, and one which was 2 inches higher at one side than the other.
Realising that the window of acceptable remarks which could be made about this was quite small, and that this window was sandwiched soundly between (on the one hand) lying through my teeth and saying it was fine (thus being patronising and risking having to live with a sloping shelf forever) and (on the other) saying something nasty and unhelpful, I suggested that I should put the kettle on, and this went down quite well. Happily, my dad had realised that the shelf was the wrong height at one side, and was quite prepared to rectify it after a cup of coffee. I say 'rectify'; I'll not be using it to store loose tennis balls, but it's better than it was.
For those who are here to deepen their DIY knowledge, my dad has an interesting approach to finding the 'struts' in a wall (walls are made, apparently, with bits of wood arranged in a sort of grid thing, and then with plasterboard nailed to them - to put up a shelf, you are best to attach it to a part of this grid - the struts - rather than just the plasterboard, especially if you want it to stay up when you put things on it). This approach of my dad's is basically 'bang a nail in and if it goes in easily, you're on plasterboard; if it doesn't go in easy at all, you're on a strut; if it goes in quite easily but there is a big bang and everything goes dark or you die, you've hit a cable'. The approach can be further adapted to include water pipes in the list of things you might hit (specifically, if you bang the nail in and water comes out, you've found a pipe), but on this occasion that was not a problem.
The third shelf was measured 5 times, presumably to get the days' 'measurements' verses 'cuts' ratio back into balance. It looks good and is very sturdy.
Finally, last week my dad came up and re-decorated the hall, stairs and landing, and very nice it is too - you'd look at it casually and have no idea that we'd drunk a bottle of more-than-averagely-strong wine between us by the time we got to the gloss work.
When we left off, the builders had been sacked, but most things were finished. The downstairs room was more-or-less complete, aside from a pane of glass above the double doors which go into the living room. One of the neighbours helped me out with this, and it's now all done; Papa Smile has been and decorated and it all really looks rather fabulous. I even managed to sort out curtains and make a Roman blind, although I haven't yet figured a way of attaching the latter to the window frame. One step at a time.
But the bathroom. Ah, the bathroom. This was less complete, requiring as it did a window, a door jamb (not sure how to spell that) and a lock to attach to it, sealant around the bath, and a shower screen.
The above-mentioned neighbour is handy with glass, and sorted out the window for us; my dad completed the tiling around it and it all looks well and no longer lets air in. The door jamb is too complicated, and has been left alone for the time being, while we build up our DIY experience levels; without this there's nothing to attach the lock to, so it is waiting on my bookshelf (I tell you that here so that when we finally get the jamb attached, I'll be able to look this up and remind myself where I left the lock). We'll come back to the sealant in a moment, but before it went on we had to get the shower screen up.
Now, you will recall that I mentioned, back in January, being off work for a time; this was due to stress. The first day of the stress was a Friday, and I had woken up in the grip of a severe panic attack (which kicked off the trip to the doctor which led to the time off). Anyway, I was in a hysterical sort of mood, and by coincidence my dad chose that day to come and install the shower screen (thinking, of course, that I'd be at work). My dad is generally full of confidence when it comes to DIY, and even with that it doesn't always work out in the expected manner, so it was a bit ominous when he arrived and said (after calming me down and feeding me toast) that he wasn't really sure how this shower screen worked and he's not very good at this sort of thing anyway. So I went back to bed, and lay there learning new swear words; when I re-emerged, I had a shower screen which was more impressive than the level of swearing had promised.
A quick squirt of sealant round the bath and that was that, except that there was a gap in the sealant round about the place where the water pools when you have a shower, so a week later the living room ceiling started to leak. I added a bit more sealant, but then the bath sunk a bit (worrying, under most circumstances, but as a relative thing, somewhere near the bottom of the list) and created a whole new gap, so the water is still pouring through and the paper has fallen off the living room ceiling. So this still needs fixing.
And finally, the landing cupboard. To set the scene, because I realise I haven't mentioned this cupboard a lot, what with all the other exitement, we were left with an empty cupboard with no shelves and no door. My dad, energised by the (relative) success of the shower door, decided he could tackle this, or at least the shelving therein. So he had to construct 3 shelves and attach them to the inside of the cupboard. Fortunately, my dad is a great believer in the saying 'Measure twice, cut once'; unfortunately, he tends to be in too much of a hurry to actually implement this belief, and so it was that I went out into the landing to find one not-too-bad shelf, and one which was 2 inches higher at one side than the other.
Realising that the window of acceptable remarks which could be made about this was quite small, and that this window was sandwiched soundly between (on the one hand) lying through my teeth and saying it was fine (thus being patronising and risking having to live with a sloping shelf forever) and (on the other) saying something nasty and unhelpful, I suggested that I should put the kettle on, and this went down quite well. Happily, my dad had realised that the shelf was the wrong height at one side, and was quite prepared to rectify it after a cup of coffee. I say 'rectify'; I'll not be using it to store loose tennis balls, but it's better than it was.
For those who are here to deepen their DIY knowledge, my dad has an interesting approach to finding the 'struts' in a wall (walls are made, apparently, with bits of wood arranged in a sort of grid thing, and then with plasterboard nailed to them - to put up a shelf, you are best to attach it to a part of this grid - the struts - rather than just the plasterboard, especially if you want it to stay up when you put things on it). This approach of my dad's is basically 'bang a nail in and if it goes in easily, you're on plasterboard; if it doesn't go in easy at all, you're on a strut; if it goes in quite easily but there is a big bang and everything goes dark or you die, you've hit a cable'. The approach can be further adapted to include water pipes in the list of things you might hit (specifically, if you bang the nail in and water comes out, you've found a pipe), but on this occasion that was not a problem.
The third shelf was measured 5 times, presumably to get the days' 'measurements' verses 'cuts' ratio back into balance. It looks good and is very sturdy.
Finally, last week my dad came up and re-decorated the hall, stairs and landing, and very nice it is too - you'd look at it casually and have no idea that we'd drunk a bottle of more-than-averagely-strong wine between us by the time we got to the gloss work.
Friday, 18 April 2008
Windows Vista, part 3
I haven't said a lot about Windows Vista lately, and I just want to make sure that you don't all think that that means I've come round to it or anything. No, because my laptop has developed a new trick, which we'll call 'The Unexpected Update Process'.
What happens is this: I switch on the laptop, it all starts up etc., and then I maybe do a few things, update iTunes etc, and then settle down to watch a DVD. The DVD player takes up the full screen, so I can't see that behind the scenes it has conencted itself to the Internet and is downloading more Windows updates. No, the first I hear about it is when the screen goes black and then the laptop shuts down with a message saying 'Installing Windows updates...'. It spends a while doing this, and then reboots, and starts configuring said updates.
10 minutes later, and I'm free to start watching my DVD again.
What happens is this: I switch on the laptop, it all starts up etc., and then I maybe do a few things, update iTunes etc, and then settle down to watch a DVD. The DVD player takes up the full screen, so I can't see that behind the scenes it has conencted itself to the Internet and is downloading more Windows updates. No, the first I hear about it is when the screen goes black and then the laptop shuts down with a message saying 'Installing Windows updates...'. It spends a while doing this, and then reboots, and starts configuring said updates.
10 minutes later, and I'm free to start watching my DVD again.
Monday, 3 March 2008
Windows Vista, part 2
This Windows Vista nonsense gets worse. Last night it just connected me to someone else's WiFi network all by itself. Isn't that illegal, to use someone else's network? Even if it's not protected? But not only did it connect me, it started downloading things.
Good to know security was uppermost in their minds when they wrote this OS.
Incidentally, we're now on Day 4 of Vista, and we've had 3 crashes so far. I'm going to start filing this under 'Incompetent Bandits'.
Good to know security was uppermost in their minds when they wrote this OS.
Incidentally, we're now on Day 4 of Vista, and we've had 3 crashes so far. I'm going to start filing this under 'Incompetent Bandits'.
Saturday, 1 March 2008
An unexpected rant about technology
It's not very often that I am moved to rant about technology; mainly I ignore it, but when we are forced to interact I usually win. But. You may recall that some time ago, I mentioned that I was having laptop trouble (hence the infrequency of posting lately). Well, I decided to treat myself to a new one, which has happily now arrived.
This new laptop came complete with Windows Vista pre-installed. I'm not the biggest fan of Windows, but since it was bundled, I thought 'OK, might as well'. Since the hard disc is nice and big, I can always make it dual-boot and have a decent operating system, such as Linux, on there as well. I have to admit that Windows is nice for multimedia, like watching DVDs and so on; also, Linux is a bit crap for syncing with iPod, so all in all I figured the dual-boot thing would be a winner. And heck, Vista is just XP jazzed up a bit - XP's quite nice; this new one can't be that bad.
(Of course, one must always be mindful of the old joke:
Person 1: "Here, I got this Windows install CD, played it backwards and it sounds like they're singing about Satan."
Person 2: "You got off lightly. I played it forwards and it installed Windows.")
So anyway. I fired up Vista to start playing. Oh. My. Life. Has there EVER been a worse operating system, on any computer, ever? The fact that they were finding bugs at the rate of something like hundreds a day about 6 weeks before release should have been a warning. So far I've used it for approximately 4 hours, and it has already crashed twice. And that doesn't count the times the mouse has just frozen dead in the middle of the screen for a few seconds before going beserk, opening a few files and then returning to where it should be. It's pretty slow (and my laptop is pretty fast, so it should be going like lightning) - all sorts of time seems to be dedicated to making things dance across my screen, rather than making anything useful happen.
And it's fecking patronising. If I try to do ANYTHING at all that it's not entirely keen on (like scroll off the top of a page, say), there are beeps, flashes and warning messages all over the place. When I download an installer (for, eg, a decent browser like Firefox), and then try to run it, it asks me for permission and then gives me a lecture about how I shouldn't really trust things like this, and am I maybe not being a bit naive in trying to use my computer to actually do things when there are nice pretty pictures to look at instead. And it's the devil himself for 'tips'. Everything I try to do gets a full-on running commentary, none of which is of any use at all.
Vista is of course meant to be very good on security. My favourite story was the one about how they made it so it had built-in voice recognition to do things like copy, open or delete files at the user's command - and then realised that if anyone opened a website that had audio saying 'delete all files' or something along those lines, their entire system could be wiped. 'Security' seems to involve questioning everything you try to do, no matter how ordinary; I can only assume that this is designed to either (a) make you so paranoid that you give up trying completely or (b) make you so irritated that you lob the computer out the window; to be fair, in either case you will be unlikely to pick up a virus. It keeps running scans of my computer, to alert me to anything that might be trying to hack in; this takes so long that the hackers will easily be in and away with my admittedly-not-very-interesting files before my mouse has even started working again.
This wouldn't be so bad if it was an OS mashed together by a 16-year-old on work experience and handed in as part of his GCSE coursework or something, but Microsoft have the cheek to spend years developing it and then to charge people to use it. People complain about Linux, but at least it's free and it's not going to let people run off with your data faster than you can say 'HM Revenue and Customs'. Nor does it generally crash, unless you try to do something VERY ambitious.
So, the moral of the story is that if you're getting a new computer, you should not get Windows Vista. You will do nothing but regret it.
This new laptop came complete with Windows Vista pre-installed. I'm not the biggest fan of Windows, but since it was bundled, I thought 'OK, might as well'. Since the hard disc is nice and big, I can always make it dual-boot and have a decent operating system, such as Linux, on there as well. I have to admit that Windows is nice for multimedia, like watching DVDs and so on; also, Linux is a bit crap for syncing with iPod, so all in all I figured the dual-boot thing would be a winner. And heck, Vista is just XP jazzed up a bit - XP's quite nice; this new one can't be that bad.
(Of course, one must always be mindful of the old joke:
Person 1: "Here, I got this Windows install CD, played it backwards and it sounds like they're singing about Satan."
Person 2: "You got off lightly. I played it forwards and it installed Windows.")
So anyway. I fired up Vista to start playing. Oh. My. Life. Has there EVER been a worse operating system, on any computer, ever? The fact that they were finding bugs at the rate of something like hundreds a day about 6 weeks before release should have been a warning. So far I've used it for approximately 4 hours, and it has already crashed twice. And that doesn't count the times the mouse has just frozen dead in the middle of the screen for a few seconds before going beserk, opening a few files and then returning to where it should be. It's pretty slow (and my laptop is pretty fast, so it should be going like lightning) - all sorts of time seems to be dedicated to making things dance across my screen, rather than making anything useful happen.
And it's fecking patronising. If I try to do ANYTHING at all that it's not entirely keen on (like scroll off the top of a page, say), there are beeps, flashes and warning messages all over the place. When I download an installer (for, eg, a decent browser like Firefox), and then try to run it, it asks me for permission and then gives me a lecture about how I shouldn't really trust things like this, and am I maybe not being a bit naive in trying to use my computer to actually do things when there are nice pretty pictures to look at instead. And it's the devil himself for 'tips'. Everything I try to do gets a full-on running commentary, none of which is of any use at all.
Vista is of course meant to be very good on security. My favourite story was the one about how they made it so it had built-in voice recognition to do things like copy, open or delete files at the user's command - and then realised that if anyone opened a website that had audio saying 'delete all files' or something along those lines, their entire system could be wiped. 'Security' seems to involve questioning everything you try to do, no matter how ordinary; I can only assume that this is designed to either (a) make you so paranoid that you give up trying completely or (b) make you so irritated that you lob the computer out the window; to be fair, in either case you will be unlikely to pick up a virus. It keeps running scans of my computer, to alert me to anything that might be trying to hack in; this takes so long that the hackers will easily be in and away with my admittedly-not-very-interesting files before my mouse has even started working again.
This wouldn't be so bad if it was an OS mashed together by a 16-year-old on work experience and handed in as part of his GCSE coursework or something, but Microsoft have the cheek to spend years developing it and then to charge people to use it. People complain about Linux, but at least it's free and it's not going to let people run off with your data faster than you can say 'HM Revenue and Customs'. Nor does it generally crash, unless you try to do something VERY ambitious.
So, the moral of the story is that if you're getting a new computer, you should not get Windows Vista. You will do nothing but regret it.
Saturday, 19 January 2008
The WhyNotSmile Guide To Builders, Part 3
So we have seen how to recognise the various people who will be involved in the building work, and how to understand what they say, and so finally we consider how the building work will actually progress, now that it has got going.
Section 3. How The Building Work Will Progress
When you commence your new building project, you will be presented with a Plan, in one form or another. This may be a full scale architectural design for your property, or some squiggles on the back of a Tesco receipt. Either is fine, since this is for informational purposes only and will never be seen again; nor will it bear any resemblance to what they actually intend to do.
The project will start well, with deliveries of things, including many bags of cement, and the ubiquitous radio. The radio is the only constant throughout the project, and will be played loudly at all times.
Work is essentially in 2 phases: taking everything apart, and then putting it back together in a different way. Phase 1 is quite quick, and involves the Builder and a sledgehammer. On day 1, noises will be made about how they're going to go about 'securing the property' overnight; i.e. making sure burglars cannot take advantage of the fact that you have a wall missing. In the event, it'll be home time before they really think about it, so they'll just stick some plastic over the gap and you'll have to take your chances.
On completion of Phase 1, the teeth-sucking starts, as the Unforeseen Eventualities emerge. The Chief Builder will look all apologetic as he explains that your foundations are made from the wrong type of cement, or are upside down, or some such, and... well.. 'it'll cost you'; but happily he'll know someone who can do it and is free tomorrow.
As discussed in section 2, this is not the time to get petty, unless you have developed a love for the plastic wall and would quite like to have to live with it for a while until you find more builders (sidenote: if the worst comes to the worst, and you do have to get rid of the first lot, be assured that builders do not operate in league with each other, so it's actually remarkably simple to find new ones. You might expect that word would get round in building circles, and you'd be blacklisted as 'a bit awkward' or 'hard to please'. In fact, one gets the impression that the second lot are simply pleased to have found someone more incompetent than themselves, so they'll happily come along and prove themselves to be superior).
Anyway, now we move to Phase 2, which is when they put everything back together. This is a more coordinated affair, and so takes much longer. It requires the Builder to do 2 days work, then leave things to dry for 3 days and then the Plumber needs to come for an hour and a half, followed by the Builder again for 5 hours, and the Electrician for a few minutes. The next day needs the Plumber until 3.30, but it is essential that the Electrician is there when he finishes, so he can't start unless everyone is sure the Electrician will be able to come later. The Carpenter can work through some of this, but needs to stop for a while to let the Electrician get access; in the meantime the Plumber has gone to Thailand. Needless to say, it can take weeks for conditions to be exactly right and for everybody to be able to come at the right moment.
During this phase, you need to distance yourself from the plans, or risk insanity. Accept that the builders have 'done a load of these here houses, and it works better like this'. You also need to accept the mess, and keep anything breakable or ruinable hidden. For some reason, builders do not at all mind wearing dirty clothes all the time, but they do like a nice clean white towel to get the dirt of their hands before they tuck into their bacon butty.
And so, finally, and despite everything, the work is 'completed'. There will, naturally, always be things they don't get round to finishing off. With these, you need to strike a balance. They will mostly be things that would take 2 minutes to do, and which you can do yourself after the builders have left. However, it is best to avoid having to attach anything to tiles or glass, or to undertake any form of electrical work, so if you have the choice, try to insist that these are done before they leave. They may of course try to tell you (as they sidle out the door with their toolboxes) that they'll come back and do those bits: the way to know whether this is true or not is to look for the radio. If it's still there, they'll come back; if not, don't expect to ever see them again.
And so we conclude the Guide to Builders. I trust it has been of use, and that it will save you much stress. However, remember that the best way to avoid difficulty with Builders is to not get involved with them in the first place; if your house is in need of renovation, just move. Trust me, it's easier.
Section 3. How The Building Work Will Progress
When you commence your new building project, you will be presented with a Plan, in one form or another. This may be a full scale architectural design for your property, or some squiggles on the back of a Tesco receipt. Either is fine, since this is for informational purposes only and will never be seen again; nor will it bear any resemblance to what they actually intend to do.
The project will start well, with deliveries of things, including many bags of cement, and the ubiquitous radio. The radio is the only constant throughout the project, and will be played loudly at all times.
Work is essentially in 2 phases: taking everything apart, and then putting it back together in a different way. Phase 1 is quite quick, and involves the Builder and a sledgehammer. On day 1, noises will be made about how they're going to go about 'securing the property' overnight; i.e. making sure burglars cannot take advantage of the fact that you have a wall missing. In the event, it'll be home time before they really think about it, so they'll just stick some plastic over the gap and you'll have to take your chances.
On completion of Phase 1, the teeth-sucking starts, as the Unforeseen Eventualities emerge. The Chief Builder will look all apologetic as he explains that your foundations are made from the wrong type of cement, or are upside down, or some such, and... well.. 'it'll cost you'; but happily he'll know someone who can do it and is free tomorrow.
As discussed in section 2, this is not the time to get petty, unless you have developed a love for the plastic wall and would quite like to have to live with it for a while until you find more builders (sidenote: if the worst comes to the worst, and you do have to get rid of the first lot, be assured that builders do not operate in league with each other, so it's actually remarkably simple to find new ones. You might expect that word would get round in building circles, and you'd be blacklisted as 'a bit awkward' or 'hard to please'. In fact, one gets the impression that the second lot are simply pleased to have found someone more incompetent than themselves, so they'll happily come along and prove themselves to be superior).
Anyway, now we move to Phase 2, which is when they put everything back together. This is a more coordinated affair, and so takes much longer. It requires the Builder to do 2 days work, then leave things to dry for 3 days and then the Plumber needs to come for an hour and a half, followed by the Builder again for 5 hours, and the Electrician for a few minutes. The next day needs the Plumber until 3.30, but it is essential that the Electrician is there when he finishes, so he can't start unless everyone is sure the Electrician will be able to come later. The Carpenter can work through some of this, but needs to stop for a while to let the Electrician get access; in the meantime the Plumber has gone to Thailand. Needless to say, it can take weeks for conditions to be exactly right and for everybody to be able to come at the right moment.
During this phase, you need to distance yourself from the plans, or risk insanity. Accept that the builders have 'done a load of these here houses, and it works better like this'. You also need to accept the mess, and keep anything breakable or ruinable hidden. For some reason, builders do not at all mind wearing dirty clothes all the time, but they do like a nice clean white towel to get the dirt of their hands before they tuck into their bacon butty.
And so, finally, and despite everything, the work is 'completed'. There will, naturally, always be things they don't get round to finishing off. With these, you need to strike a balance. They will mostly be things that would take 2 minutes to do, and which you can do yourself after the builders have left. However, it is best to avoid having to attach anything to tiles or glass, or to undertake any form of electrical work, so if you have the choice, try to insist that these are done before they leave. They may of course try to tell you (as they sidle out the door with their toolboxes) that they'll come back and do those bits: the way to know whether this is true or not is to look for the radio. If it's still there, they'll come back; if not, don't expect to ever see them again.
And so we conclude the Guide to Builders. I trust it has been of use, and that it will save you much stress. However, remember that the best way to avoid difficulty with Builders is to not get involved with them in the first place; if your house is in need of renovation, just move. Trust me, it's easier.
Monday, 14 January 2008
The WhyNotSmile Guide To Builders, Part 2
In Section 1 we considered the various people who might (or, as is more likely, might not) turn up at your house when your building work is under way. We now turn our attention to understanding the things they will say to you. This is important, so please read it several times and make sure you understand.
Section 2. Things Builders Say
Builders typically have an unfussy attitude to langauge: they use words which are familiar but whose meaning is fluid (although you may not realise this until afterwards). Some examples are below.
i. Words relating to time.
There are two aspects to this: when a particular event (e.g. fitting of your shower screen) will commence, and how long it will take.
Everything will commence 'tomorrow'. This is quite simple: it just means 'at some indefinite point in the future', or in other words, 'well, we haven't started it yet'. There's no point pressing them on this one: if it was in the schedule, it'd be under way by now.
Of course, nothing ever starts 'tomorrow' on a Friday; on Fridays things will start on 'Monday morning'. This roughly translates to 'first thing Thursday week'. It should be noted that builders tend to start new jobs on Mondays; this will get your hopes up in week 1 because they seem enthusiastic. This quickly fades and after a fortnight they will not be seen much before Wednesday.
When it comes to estimating how long things will take, all measures of time should be considered elastic. Jobs which are to take another 2 hours can often be finished in 10 minutes if there's a cup of tea to be had, or it's home time; this is due to the builders' unexpectedly fluid definition of the word 'finished'. On the other hand, jobs which are initially esimated to take 2 weeks can still be underway 4 months later. The latter is due to what we might call 'Builder Days'. This is similar to the way your bank tells you that a cheque will take 3 days to clear, when in fact it takes 7, because they only count the days when they're actually open. Similarly, '2 weeks' is how long it would take if they came every day and worked solidly at it; since they won't, the time taken becomes much longer in real time. A better analogy might be to the concept of 'light years' as used by physicists - a concept dreamed up for no practical purpose other than to express unimaginatively long periods of time.
ii. Words relating to finance.
Builders don't really like to talk much about money; they like to pretend they do what they do for the fun of it, and that they ask nothing in return but to be allowed unrestricted access to your biscuit tin. A price will be quietly agreed at the start, and the only thing that will be said about it at that stage is that it is cheaper than they'd normally do it, but they're not too busy at the minute so they could do with the work (sidenote: at this point, ask WHY they're not busy. If they've just completed a big job a few weeks early, and you can get independent verification of this, then you're probably OK. If it's because they're bandits and no one else will hire them, then just say 'I'll think about it and get back to you', and then never contact them again).
It is of course inevitable that 'unforeseen' things will happen, and the price will rise (that this is due to a lack of foresight should not be mentioned; the unforeseen tends not to be seen until they've removed a wall of your house, and at that point you can't afford to upset them). This is indicated not by words but by the sucking of teeth, and, if it's really bad, by a little shake of the head. You just have to go with it.
The other main issue relating to finance is that there are always three options for every purchase (e.g. when he asks you which door you'd like, or what type of window or boiler, that sort of thing). This is a psychological trick; if you were only presented with one option, you'd complain that it was too expensive, but if you have 3 options you'll always choose the middle one and be happy. This is because you don't want to be cheap but nor can you afford the expensive one. The middle one is the one the builder has in the back of the van anyway, so he actually does this to life easier for himself.
Now that we have learned how to communicate with the builders and discovered that hopes should not be set too high, we can turn at last to what you should expect to happen during your building work. Section 3 will explain the different stages, and guide you through them.
Section 2. Things Builders Say
Builders typically have an unfussy attitude to langauge: they use words which are familiar but whose meaning is fluid (although you may not realise this until afterwards). Some examples are below.
i. Words relating to time.
There are two aspects to this: when a particular event (e.g. fitting of your shower screen) will commence, and how long it will take.
Everything will commence 'tomorrow'. This is quite simple: it just means 'at some indefinite point in the future', or in other words, 'well, we haven't started it yet'. There's no point pressing them on this one: if it was in the schedule, it'd be under way by now.
Of course, nothing ever starts 'tomorrow' on a Friday; on Fridays things will start on 'Monday morning'. This roughly translates to 'first thing Thursday week'. It should be noted that builders tend to start new jobs on Mondays; this will get your hopes up in week 1 because they seem enthusiastic. This quickly fades and after a fortnight they will not be seen much before Wednesday.
When it comes to estimating how long things will take, all measures of time should be considered elastic. Jobs which are to take another 2 hours can often be finished in 10 minutes if there's a cup of tea to be had, or it's home time; this is due to the builders' unexpectedly fluid definition of the word 'finished'. On the other hand, jobs which are initially esimated to take 2 weeks can still be underway 4 months later. The latter is due to what we might call 'Builder Days'. This is similar to the way your bank tells you that a cheque will take 3 days to clear, when in fact it takes 7, because they only count the days when they're actually open. Similarly, '2 weeks' is how long it would take if they came every day and worked solidly at it; since they won't, the time taken becomes much longer in real time. A better analogy might be to the concept of 'light years' as used by physicists - a concept dreamed up for no practical purpose other than to express unimaginatively long periods of time.
ii. Words relating to finance.
Builders don't really like to talk much about money; they like to pretend they do what they do for the fun of it, and that they ask nothing in return but to be allowed unrestricted access to your biscuit tin. A price will be quietly agreed at the start, and the only thing that will be said about it at that stage is that it is cheaper than they'd normally do it, but they're not too busy at the minute so they could do with the work (sidenote: at this point, ask WHY they're not busy. If they've just completed a big job a few weeks early, and you can get independent verification of this, then you're probably OK. If it's because they're bandits and no one else will hire them, then just say 'I'll think about it and get back to you', and then never contact them again).
It is of course inevitable that 'unforeseen' things will happen, and the price will rise (that this is due to a lack of foresight should not be mentioned; the unforeseen tends not to be seen until they've removed a wall of your house, and at that point you can't afford to upset them). This is indicated not by words but by the sucking of teeth, and, if it's really bad, by a little shake of the head. You just have to go with it.
The other main issue relating to finance is that there are always three options for every purchase (e.g. when he asks you which door you'd like, or what type of window or boiler, that sort of thing). This is a psychological trick; if you were only presented with one option, you'd complain that it was too expensive, but if you have 3 options you'll always choose the middle one and be happy. This is because you don't want to be cheap but nor can you afford the expensive one. The middle one is the one the builder has in the back of the van anyway, so he actually does this to life easier for himself.
Now that we have learned how to communicate with the builders and discovered that hopes should not be set too high, we can turn at last to what you should expect to happen during your building work. Section 3 will explain the different stages, and guide you through them.
The WhyNotSmile Guide To Builders, Part 1
They say that 'every cloud has a silver lining' and 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and so on, and I believe this is true, for as I considered the Incident Henceforth Referred To As 'The Great Building Saga of 2007' I realised that I have learned quite a lot from it, and I feel I should share this, for the general enightenment of all.
And so I present the official WhyNotSmile Guide To Builders. This should be of use to anyone who ever decides to hire anyone to do things to their house, and I hope it will guide you through the process and help you to prepare for what is to come. Note: if there is enough demand, I may produce a printable version which can be stuck on your fridge for easy reference.
The WhyNotSmile Guide to Builders
Section 1. The People You Will Meet
We begin by considering the people you are likely to find in your home during the building process; it is useful to have a rough idea of what they are there for, and how to identify them. On a typical 'job', there will be quite a cast of characters, who will come and go seemingly at random. The Director is known as the 'Chief Builder', and he is the one who orders everyone about and makes excuses for why they haven't turned up. He also steadfastly refuses to answer his phone, or to give you contact details for any of the rest of the cast.
Other people you may find swanning around in your living room are:
The Builder (usually called Joe) - not to be confused with the Chief Builder, the simple Builder is the one who does most of the work. He will always operate at a 'careful' pace, and requires frequent cups of tea. His tools are plaster and bacon butties. Generally looks like Barney Rubble.
The Plumber - to be honest, I wouldn't know. Not a frequent visitor.
The Electrician (invariably nicknamed 'Sparky' or 'The Spark') - the electrician is there, ostensibly, to do the electrical work. However, he is often prevented from doing this by the others, who inevitably haven't finished whatever needs to be done - the work of the electrician depends quite critically on having just the right conditions. For this reason, he often turns his hand to other things, just to get them done, and proves to be quite good at most tasks, as long as they don't involve lifting heavy or dirty things, for the electrician is always a rather skinny bloke, and tends to be the only one with clean clothes. You can spot the electrician by his spiked hair and slightly shocked look.
The Carpenter (sometimes called 'Jesus') - generally a quiet sort, who enjoys messing with bits of wood. Normally works hard, but can get distracted if he sees an opportunity for a bit of creativity: his belief is, why fit a skirting board when you can build a cupboard? Easily identifiable, as he is always covered in sawdust.
Tommy - there's always a bloke called Tommy, who seems to be there mainly in an advisory capacity, and to make tea. The others spend their time telling Tommy what to do, while he steadfastly ignores them and maintains a conversation with your next neighbour who's having a nosy over the garden fence to see what you're doing (this is where Tommy is quite useful; he will do all the explaining so you don't have to). Tommy is the most reliable member of the team, and will turn up every day to see if you've got any new biscuits in yet. He's not often spotted, but leaves a trail of Penguin wrappers so you know he's been.
Now that we have introduced the cast, the next step is to understand the things they say, and this will be dealt with in Section 2. In the meantime, please take the time to familiarise yourself with the information above and to commit it to memory, because we'll come back to it.
And so I present the official WhyNotSmile Guide To Builders. This should be of use to anyone who ever decides to hire anyone to do things to their house, and I hope it will guide you through the process and help you to prepare for what is to come. Note: if there is enough demand, I may produce a printable version which can be stuck on your fridge for easy reference.
The WhyNotSmile Guide to Builders
Section 1. The People You Will Meet
We begin by considering the people you are likely to find in your home during the building process; it is useful to have a rough idea of what they are there for, and how to identify them. On a typical 'job', there will be quite a cast of characters, who will come and go seemingly at random. The Director is known as the 'Chief Builder', and he is the one who orders everyone about and makes excuses for why they haven't turned up. He also steadfastly refuses to answer his phone, or to give you contact details for any of the rest of the cast.
Other people you may find swanning around in your living room are:
The Builder (usually called Joe) - not to be confused with the Chief Builder, the simple Builder is the one who does most of the work. He will always operate at a 'careful' pace, and requires frequent cups of tea. His tools are plaster and bacon butties. Generally looks like Barney Rubble.
The Plumber - to be honest, I wouldn't know. Not a frequent visitor.
The Electrician (invariably nicknamed 'Sparky' or 'The Spark') - the electrician is there, ostensibly, to do the electrical work. However, he is often prevented from doing this by the others, who inevitably haven't finished whatever needs to be done - the work of the electrician depends quite critically on having just the right conditions. For this reason, he often turns his hand to other things, just to get them done, and proves to be quite good at most tasks, as long as they don't involve lifting heavy or dirty things, for the electrician is always a rather skinny bloke, and tends to be the only one with clean clothes. You can spot the electrician by his spiked hair and slightly shocked look.
The Carpenter (sometimes called 'Jesus') - generally a quiet sort, who enjoys messing with bits of wood. Normally works hard, but can get distracted if he sees an opportunity for a bit of creativity: his belief is, why fit a skirting board when you can build a cupboard? Easily identifiable, as he is always covered in sawdust.
Tommy - there's always a bloke called Tommy, who seems to be there mainly in an advisory capacity, and to make tea. The others spend their time telling Tommy what to do, while he steadfastly ignores them and maintains a conversation with your next neighbour who's having a nosy over the garden fence to see what you're doing (this is where Tommy is quite useful; he will do all the explaining so you don't have to). Tommy is the most reliable member of the team, and will turn up every day to see if you've got any new biscuits in yet. He's not often spotted, but leaves a trail of Penguin wrappers so you know he's been.
Now that we have introduced the cast, the next step is to understand the things they say, and this will be dealt with in Section 2. In the meantime, please take the time to familiarise yourself with the information above and to commit it to memory, because we'll come back to it.
Incompetent Bandits: A Roundup
No builders on Friday, so my dad's ultimatum has come into effect, and I am barred from letting them in. I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to stop them, and frankly, I'm not sure I'm inclined to (I mean, if they're standing there with a shower screen, it might just be too tempting).
I was talking to some people in work the other day, and musing on the vast range of bandits we (I say 'we', I mean my dad) have managed to hire over the years.
I maintain that the present (although now recent past) lot have been the worst: not that there was anything wrong with the quality of their work (which was fine - although when you take 4 months to fit a bathroom, you'd expect it to be pretty damn good), but rather their reluctance to turn up and do anything in the first place, even when they had promised.
Prior to that, there were the Q&B guys, and we all know that they weren't much better. The difference there was that they at least simply disappeared for long periods of time, so one could forget about them and only get in touch when one felt particularly strong.
Before that (and this was in the days before WhyNotSmile, which is why you've never heard of it) we got new windows in. The guy who did this (a friend of my dad's best mate, which is where these people always come from) was very nice and came when he said he would and did a good job and everything. Then about a month later I heard on the radio that he'd been arrested and charged with paramilitary activity. He's now in jail, which seems rather to have invalidated my warranty.
I was talking to some people in work the other day, and musing on the vast range of bandits we (I say 'we', I mean my dad) have managed to hire over the years.
I maintain that the present (although now recent past) lot have been the worst: not that there was anything wrong with the quality of their work (which was fine - although when you take 4 months to fit a bathroom, you'd expect it to be pretty damn good), but rather their reluctance to turn up and do anything in the first place, even when they had promised.
Prior to that, there were the Q&B guys, and we all know that they weren't much better. The difference there was that they at least simply disappeared for long periods of time, so one could forget about them and only get in touch when one felt particularly strong.
Before that (and this was in the days before WhyNotSmile, which is why you've never heard of it) we got new windows in. The guy who did this (a friend of my dad's best mate, which is where these people always come from) was very nice and came when he said he would and did a good job and everything. Then about a month later I heard on the radio that he'd been arrested and charged with paramilitary activity. He's now in jail, which seems rather to have invalidated my warranty.
Thursday, 10 January 2008
The plot thickens...
On Tuesday there my dad phoned Chief Builder and issued him with an ultimatum: either show up and do something by Friday, or don't come back, ever, and don't come looking for money.
So this morning I woke up and the heating hadn't come on, and the light was flashing on the boiler. Applying my vast technical expertise, I looked at the gauge on the front, which said the pressure was low, so I turned the thing and it added more water to the wotsit and it all seemed grand. Then I pressed the flashing light, for it doubles as the reset button. All went dark for a moment, and then it started flashing again. I repeated this several times, but nothing worked. So I turned it off and went to work.
Once safely in work, having poured the whole sorry tale out to the very sympathetic Christopher, maker of tea (amongst other things, but making tea was the most pertinent at this stage), I phoned the plumber, for advice. He, unfortunately, is moving house (unsurprisingly - I'd keep moving if I were this lot, they can't track you that way), and so couldn't come round (the plumber is actually very nice and helpful when you speak to him directly; it's when you have to interact via Chief Builder that problems begin). But he said to phone Chief Builder who could phone the warranty people.
So I phone Chief Builder, and of course he doesn't answer, but then my dad phones to say he had just spoken to him (not knowing about the boiler, but to follow up on the ultimatum). So we now have two sub-plots on the go, which is starting to get quite complex, but please bear with me. Anyway, this call was to say that they would be there today (in fact, that he was on his way) to fit the shower screen and the shower and the bathroom window, all of which we've heard before, but as they say, hope springs eternal, although not for much longer.
So I phone Dozavtra to tell her to get out of bed in case they come, but of course she is already up for she is good at getting up early, even though she is sick and there is no heat.
I've spent the rest of the morning trying to phone Chief Builder to make sure he knows about the boiler, since he might as well fix it while he's there. However, he hasn't answered his phone, which I am convincing myself is because he's up a ladder doing the window, or something.
Naturally, you will hear more of this presently.
So this morning I woke up and the heating hadn't come on, and the light was flashing on the boiler. Applying my vast technical expertise, I looked at the gauge on the front, which said the pressure was low, so I turned the thing and it added more water to the wotsit and it all seemed grand. Then I pressed the flashing light, for it doubles as the reset button. All went dark for a moment, and then it started flashing again. I repeated this several times, but nothing worked. So I turned it off and went to work.
Once safely in work, having poured the whole sorry tale out to the very sympathetic Christopher, maker of tea (amongst other things, but making tea was the most pertinent at this stage), I phoned the plumber, for advice. He, unfortunately, is moving house (unsurprisingly - I'd keep moving if I were this lot, they can't track you that way), and so couldn't come round (the plumber is actually very nice and helpful when you speak to him directly; it's when you have to interact via Chief Builder that problems begin). But he said to phone Chief Builder who could phone the warranty people.
So I phone Chief Builder, and of course he doesn't answer, but then my dad phones to say he had just spoken to him (not knowing about the boiler, but to follow up on the ultimatum). So we now have two sub-plots on the go, which is starting to get quite complex, but please bear with me. Anyway, this call was to say that they would be there today (in fact, that he was on his way) to fit the shower screen and the shower and the bathroom window, all of which we've heard before, but as they say, hope springs eternal, although not for much longer.
So I phone Dozavtra to tell her to get out of bed in case they come, but of course she is already up for she is good at getting up early, even though she is sick and there is no heat.
I've spent the rest of the morning trying to phone Chief Builder to make sure he knows about the boiler, since he might as well fix it while he's there. However, he hasn't answered his phone, which I am convincing myself is because he's up a ladder doing the window, or something.
Naturally, you will hear more of this presently.
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
And then what?
Stress levels at WhyNotSmile have been raised recently, due to the rearing head of the blogger's dreaded question: what will I write about next? Now that the Q&B issue is resolved and the building work nearly finished, what's left to say?
Well, firstly, you'll be glad to hear, the heating broke down last night. I phoned Mother Duck, who summonsed Father who rang Chief Builder, who came round 'straight away' but was presumably in some kind of time warp and didn't actually appear for a good couple of hours. He did bring the famous plumber with him, though, so it was worth the wait. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to ask whether this was the plumber who went to Thailand looking for a wife, or the one with the 3 broken legs, or the other one, but we'll assume it was one of them (you may recall from an earlier post that this plumber's existence is crucial to the existence of God).
Anyway, they started by pressing the button that I'd already pressed 5 times, that's meant to reset the boiler. Thankfully that didn't work, as I'd have looked like a fool who is incapable of pressing a button. Then Plumber inspected something outside (or at least, he went outside, he may have been having a loo break down the side of the house for all I know) while Chief Builder and I looked at the boiler. I mean 'looked at' in the most literal sense, not in the sense of doing anything to it.
Then Chief Builder spotted that the pressure was low, and showed me how to turn the thing to add new water to the thing, and then reset it all. He then assured me that most plumbers would have taken the water-adding thing away and then charged me £60 to come out and re-attach it to add water and then take it away again, but he has left it so I can do it myself. Or out of laziness, it is unclear.
Anyway, while I was in the process of asking how all the water might have escaped from my plumbing system and whether this should be worrying us, they changed the subject to the glorious news that they are all coming on Thursday (Chief, electrician and carpenter, as well as the flooring guy (Kieron, who, by the way, forgot to turn up last week and is now in New York), and my dad and his friend S (they are coming up to have lunch in the Opera House because S has applied for a job there and has never been in it, but they'll call into my house on the way so that they don't miss the excitement)), and that they will complete the following list of things:
Fit timer to heating system
Bleed radiators (if I haven't done it before then, which, let's face it, I won't have)
Fit shower screen
Attach shower to wall
Finish cupboard door
"and everything else" (even I've forgotten what this is)
Since, even without the "everything else", this is more work than they have completed in all of the past 6 weeks, I'm not holding my breath, but we'll see. On the other hand, they haven't exactly, y'know, "turned up" a lot in the past 6 weeks, so the very fact that they will all be there should improve things.
So that's reason 1 for not despairing about where WhyNotSmile will go next. The second reason is that our good friend Richard Dawkins is making an intellectual spectacle of himself again, so in a soon-to-be-written post (which I don't have time to do now), we shall dwell further upon that.
Until next time.
Well, firstly, you'll be glad to hear, the heating broke down last night. I phoned Mother Duck, who summonsed Father who rang Chief Builder, who came round 'straight away' but was presumably in some kind of time warp and didn't actually appear for a good couple of hours. He did bring the famous plumber with him, though, so it was worth the wait. Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to ask whether this was the plumber who went to Thailand looking for a wife, or the one with the 3 broken legs, or the other one, but we'll assume it was one of them (you may recall from an earlier post that this plumber's existence is crucial to the existence of God).
Anyway, they started by pressing the button that I'd already pressed 5 times, that's meant to reset the boiler. Thankfully that didn't work, as I'd have looked like a fool who is incapable of pressing a button. Then Plumber inspected something outside (or at least, he went outside, he may have been having a loo break down the side of the house for all I know) while Chief Builder and I looked at the boiler. I mean 'looked at' in the most literal sense, not in the sense of doing anything to it.
Then Chief Builder spotted that the pressure was low, and showed me how to turn the thing to add new water to the thing, and then reset it all. He then assured me that most plumbers would have taken the water-adding thing away and then charged me £60 to come out and re-attach it to add water and then take it away again, but he has left it so I can do it myself. Or out of laziness, it is unclear.
Anyway, while I was in the process of asking how all the water might have escaped from my plumbing system and whether this should be worrying us, they changed the subject to the glorious news that they are all coming on Thursday (Chief, electrician and carpenter, as well as the flooring guy (Kieron, who, by the way, forgot to turn up last week and is now in New York), and my dad and his friend S (they are coming up to have lunch in the Opera House because S has applied for a job there and has never been in it, but they'll call into my house on the way so that they don't miss the excitement)), and that they will complete the following list of things:
Fit timer to heating system
Bleed radiators (if I haven't done it before then, which, let's face it, I won't have)
Fit shower screen
Attach shower to wall
Finish cupboard door
"and everything else" (even I've forgotten what this is)
Since, even without the "everything else", this is more work than they have completed in all of the past 6 weeks, I'm not holding my breath, but we'll see. On the other hand, they haven't exactly, y'know, "turned up" a lot in the past 6 weeks, so the very fact that they will all be there should improve things.
So that's reason 1 for not despairing about where WhyNotSmile will go next. The second reason is that our good friend Richard Dawkins is making an intellectual spectacle of himself again, so in a soon-to-be-written post (which I don't have time to do now), we shall dwell further upon that.
Until next time.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Q&B: The End
Well, it's finally over. After a 45 minute flurry of activity on Friday, the kitchen is finally installed and nice and FINISHED. If there's a tear in your eye, know that you're not alone.
On the plus side though, no one else turned up, so the building saga remains.
I almost had a new saga, with a certain bank, when I thought that they'd overcharged me for exceeding my credit card limit, but, no, it seems they do actually charge £22. Ah well.
On the plus side though, no one else turned up, so the building saga remains.
I almost had a new saga, with a certain bank, when I thought that they'd overcharged me for exceeding my credit card limit, but, no, it seems they do actually charge £22. Ah well.
Friday, 23 November 2007
A Big Day
So today is a Big Day. I should have 3 sets of people at my house:
1. The floor man (Kieron and assistant)
The floor men were there yesterday and put the flooring down in my kitchen and new room, and very nice it is too. But they have to come back today to finish it off.
2. The Q&B man
I know!!! You're all aghast - the Q&B tale may finally be over. New doors are arriving today and being fitted. It's almost disappointing that this could be the end.
3. The electrician (Trevor)
Coming to fit the shower screen. Yeah, I dunno why I need an electrician for that either.
So it is to be hoped that they all turn up and don't get in each other's way and that it is all lovely and wonderful. I will let you know.
1. The floor man (Kieron and assistant)
The floor men were there yesterday and put the flooring down in my kitchen and new room, and very nice it is too. But they have to come back today to finish it off.
2. The Q&B man
I know!!! You're all aghast - the Q&B tale may finally be over. New doors are arriving today and being fitted. It's almost disappointing that this could be the end.
3. The electrician (Trevor)
Coming to fit the shower screen. Yeah, I dunno why I need an electrician for that either.
So it is to be hoped that they all turn up and don't get in each other's way and that it is all lovely and wonderful. I will let you know.
Monday, 19 November 2007
On the return of WhyNotSmile, an update on the building work, and the post you missed because I was sick
I'm back. I felt ill indeed with my stomach flu; I won't go into details, but suffice to say it wasn't pretty and I was VERY glad to have a plumbed-in bathroom. Of course, when I started vomiting, I did what all self-respecting 29 year-olds do in such a situation, and phoned my parents. They came and took me to their house and I had the nicest week I've had in a long time, being in bed and waited on hand and foot, and not having to go to work.
So, you'll all be thinking 'oooooh, 2 weeks since she blogged, how much the building work must have progressed in that time, there will be Stories To Tell', and of course you'd be wrong, because the builders all got the flu as well, and succeeded only in grouting the bathroom tiles. On the other hand, just before I got sick, and just after the last time I blogged (apart from the one telling you all I was sick), they actually came and connected up the heating.
Also, there was an entry I didn't get round to posting, and it went like this (please transport yourself to not last Saturday but the one before so that this makes sense):
How embarrassing. I came home from work yesterday to discover that the plumbers had fitted a new radiator in my bedroom. And that all my teddies (Cat, Elephant and Gordon) were on my bed, and not down the side of my bed, which is where they had been when I left.
There are 2 possibilities.
One is that they were scared of the plumbers and made a break for freedom at an opportune moment, but didn't quite make it and flopped onto the bed in defeat.
The second is that the plumbers were poking around and found them down the side of the bed and fished them out and lined them up on the bed on purpose (note that they would not have needed to go near the bed in order to fit the radiator).
And I think it's more likely that the second possibility is what happened, and so I am now embarrassed.
So, you'll all be thinking 'oooooh, 2 weeks since she blogged, how much the building work must have progressed in that time, there will be Stories To Tell', and of course you'd be wrong, because the builders all got the flu as well, and succeeded only in grouting the bathroom tiles. On the other hand, just before I got sick, and just after the last time I blogged (apart from the one telling you all I was sick), they actually came and connected up the heating.
Also, there was an entry I didn't get round to posting, and it went like this (please transport yourself to not last Saturday but the one before so that this makes sense):
How embarrassing. I came home from work yesterday to discover that the plumbers had fitted a new radiator in my bedroom. And that all my teddies (Cat, Elephant and Gordon) were on my bed, and not down the side of my bed, which is where they had been when I left.
There are 2 possibilities.
One is that they were scared of the plumbers and made a break for freedom at an opportune moment, but didn't quite make it and flopped onto the bed in defeat.
The second is that the plumbers were poking around and found them down the side of the bed and fished them out and lined them up on the bed on purpose (note that they would not have needed to go near the bed in order to fit the radiator).
And I think it's more likely that the second possibility is what happened, and so I am now embarrassed.
Thursday, 8 November 2007
In which it is revealed that the plumber has other things on his mind, and several recent issues are resolved
You'll be delighted to hear that the plumber who went to Thailand to find a wife succeeded, and consequently has not come back (this man is 60 years old, by the way. 60 years old). There was a second plumber (you wait 2 months for a plumber, and then 2 appear at once), but he broke his arm, so he couldn't come either.
However, a third plumber has now been begged into coming, and according to reliable reports (my dad, who is watching his every move), is currently attaching radiators to walls in my house. There is even a suggestion that the radiators might be connected to the boiler as early as tomorrow, although, based on previous activity, I'll not be inviting you all round for a tropical-themed party on Saturday night just yet.
They have also tiled most of the bathroom, and even had the sense to do the important bit first (round the bath).
Anyway, it looks like we might be seeing a finished house within the next week/month/year or so, and thereafter normal blogging service will resume (i.e. I will write about things other than builders). Incidentally, I feel this blog has slipped into a rut recently, for which I apologise. I do have several non-building blog posts in mind, but they just keep getting eclipsed.
That reminds me, Q&B have disappeared from the radar of late; I must give them a ring.
In another round-up, Alex has now received compensation from Harles Churst, so we can all stop thinking bad things about them. Not that the repair actually works, you understand, but at least she got a free hire car for a few weeks.
However, a third plumber has now been begged into coming, and according to reliable reports (my dad, who is watching his every move), is currently attaching radiators to walls in my house. There is even a suggestion that the radiators might be connected to the boiler as early as tomorrow, although, based on previous activity, I'll not be inviting you all round for a tropical-themed party on Saturday night just yet.
They have also tiled most of the bathroom, and even had the sense to do the important bit first (round the bath).
Anyway, it looks like we might be seeing a finished house within the next week/month/year or so, and thereafter normal blogging service will resume (i.e. I will write about things other than builders). Incidentally, I feel this blog has slipped into a rut recently, for which I apologise. I do have several non-building blog posts in mind, but they just keep getting eclipsed.
That reminds me, Q&B have disappeared from the radar of late; I must give them a ring.
In another round-up, Alex has now received compensation from Harles Churst, so we can all stop thinking bad things about them. Not that the repair actually works, you understand, but at least she got a free hire car for a few weeks.
Monday, 5 November 2007
*sigh*
So, in all of last week, they fitted 2 door handles. In fact, I'm being generous here, and counting both sides - technically, it may only have been one handle, which went right through the door.
In happier news, though, the Chief Builder says the plumber's coming today.
For reference, here is the list of reasons so far why the plumber hasn't turned up (it is unclear how many plumbers there have been; hence, some of these statements may apply to different people):
1. He went to Newcastle for a stag party and got so drunk he couldn't come to work until Wednesday (you may recall that very early on, a plumber did in fact turn up, to disconnect things - this was him. No sign of him since).
2. He went to Thailand for 6 weeks (it later emerged that he was there looking for a wife). This plumber is now back, and is the one who is allegedly coming today.
3. He got attacked and his leg was broken in 3 places (why do we hire these bandits?).
4. He was climbing Mount Everest at the weekend; he'll be here on Wednesday (Wednesday is a popular day to kick things off with these lot; very rarely do they seem to work Mondays or Tuesdays). Incidentally, this turned out to be the electrician, not the plumber, and it was Ben Nevis. This is the annoying thing - there always turns out to be a measure of truth in the tales.
5. He just didn't turn up.
Chief Builder keeps putting on a reassuring voice and saying 'don't worry, it'll not take him long'. Quite. I have no concerns about how long it will take him, but let's face it, he's not going to finish until he actually starts.
In happier news, though, the Chief Builder says the plumber's coming today.
For reference, here is the list of reasons so far why the plumber hasn't turned up (it is unclear how many plumbers there have been; hence, some of these statements may apply to different people):
1. He went to Newcastle for a stag party and got so drunk he couldn't come to work until Wednesday (you may recall that very early on, a plumber did in fact turn up, to disconnect things - this was him. No sign of him since).
2. He went to Thailand for 6 weeks (it later emerged that he was there looking for a wife). This plumber is now back, and is the one who is allegedly coming today.
3. He got attacked and his leg was broken in 3 places (why do we hire these bandits?).
4. He was climbing Mount Everest at the weekend; he'll be here on Wednesday (Wednesday is a popular day to kick things off with these lot; very rarely do they seem to work Mondays or Tuesdays). Incidentally, this turned out to be the electrician, not the plumber, and it was Ben Nevis. This is the annoying thing - there always turns out to be a measure of truth in the tales.
5. He just didn't turn up.
Chief Builder keeps putting on a reassuring voice and saying 'don't worry, it'll not take him long'. Quite. I have no concerns about how long it will take him, but let's face it, he's not going to finish until he actually starts.
Tuesday, 30 October 2007
October 2007: trendspotting
A quick update, for the curious...
Roof attached to house; house much warmer.
Much carpentry done; house much prettier.
Plumber back from Thailand, or being attacked, or whatever, but cleary still not inclined to come and do heating.
Tiles purchased by builder, but not yet attached to wall.
Father making frequent enquiries of me about whether bargeboards are done yet; me ignoring questions due to not being quite sure what bargeboards are.
So that's the state of play at the moment.
Now, I've been noticing several trends recently (moving away from the building work, and into The Rest of The World, at last).
Firstly, everyone is going over to WordPress, even non-technical people like smallcorner. Why is this? I think it may be something to do with tracking how mnay people read your blog, but frankly, I'd rather not know. If it's lots, I'd be intimidated, and if it's few, I'd be disappointed. So I'm staying right here. But it means all the links on the left of this page are now wrong; sometime I will fix that.
Second trend: everyone is starting 365 blogs, where they record a nice thing every day. Now, this is lovely and everything, but it doubles the number of blogs I have to check. In any case, I'm not going to start one of these, because I'd get 2 weeks in and give up; I have no sticking power.
Third trend: qmonkey is leaving comments on every post he can find. Does this man not have a job, or hobbies, or a wife and child, or something?
Fourth trend: we're all debating whether God exists and what science has to say for itself. I blame qmonkey. I've been composing some thoughts on this for a while, but they have yet to make it into coherent form. Bate your breath, though. I have a PhD in Physics, so my word on this one is final.
I've still not fixed my internet connection at home, which is irritating. You see, what happened was, I brought my laptop into work to download something, and connected it to the network, and it wiped my dialup settings. So now I have to go back to square one and set it all up again, but I can't remember how. If anyone knows how to set up a winmodem for a dialup connection on a Dell Inspiron laptop running Dapper Drake Ubuntu, please be in touch.
Until next time.
Roof attached to house; house much warmer.
Much carpentry done; house much prettier.
Plumber back from Thailand, or being attacked, or whatever, but cleary still not inclined to come and do heating.
Tiles purchased by builder, but not yet attached to wall.
Father making frequent enquiries of me about whether bargeboards are done yet; me ignoring questions due to not being quite sure what bargeboards are.
So that's the state of play at the moment.
Now, I've been noticing several trends recently (moving away from the building work, and into The Rest of The World, at last).
Firstly, everyone is going over to WordPress, even non-technical people like smallcorner. Why is this? I think it may be something to do with tracking how mnay people read your blog, but frankly, I'd rather not know. If it's lots, I'd be intimidated, and if it's few, I'd be disappointed. So I'm staying right here. But it means all the links on the left of this page are now wrong; sometime I will fix that.
Second trend: everyone is starting 365 blogs, where they record a nice thing every day. Now, this is lovely and everything, but it doubles the number of blogs I have to check. In any case, I'm not going to start one of these, because I'd get 2 weeks in and give up; I have no sticking power.
Third trend: qmonkey is leaving comments on every post he can find. Does this man not have a job, or hobbies, or a wife and child, or something?
Fourth trend: we're all debating whether God exists and what science has to say for itself. I blame qmonkey. I've been composing some thoughts on this for a while, but they have yet to make it into coherent form. Bate your breath, though. I have a PhD in Physics, so my word on this one is final.
I've still not fixed my internet connection at home, which is irritating. You see, what happened was, I brought my laptop into work to download something, and connected it to the network, and it wiped my dialup settings. So now I have to go back to square one and set it all up again, but I can't remember how. If anyone knows how to set up a winmodem for a dialup connection on a Dell Inspiron laptop running Dapper Drake Ubuntu, please be in touch.
Until next time.
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
More building news
I'm sorry to go on about my building work, but to be honest, when you're flushing your toilet with a bucket and it is the same temperature inside your house as outside, it's hard to think of much else.
So yesterday saw the arrival of a new member of the cast: the carpenter. His task was to fit the doors which go between the new room and the living room; in an unneccesary display of initiative he decided to build me a cupboard on the landing instead. But this is ok, since I do need the cupboard; it was just that I need the doors more. However, by this stage I think we're all resigned to the bizarre sense of priority exhibited by the builders, so we shall take this in our stride and move on.
No sign of any heating until this morning, when I stepped outside my front door to go to work, all sleepy and minding my own business, and was accosted by the Chief Builder, someone else, some doors and the new boiler. The Chief Builder and the other man were exceptionally cheerful for that time of the morning, and I fear I came across as a little sleepy. Still, as I drove off they were enthusiastically moving doors, hinges and boiler into my house, where they will no doubt take up residence for the next fortnight or so, until someone gets round to installing them.
Incidentally, is it polite to use the word 'toilet' in normal conversation? You see, when I say that I've had no bathroom for about a month, people gasp in horror and I feel obliged to assure them that I have always had a toilet throughout. But should I say 'toilet', or does one say 'loo'? Or is there another even more polite word, like WC? Or is it one of those things where the chavs and the Queen say 'toilet' and everyone else says 'loo'? CAN YOU HELP?
So, scheduled prognosis for the building work: tiling to be done today, carpenter to do doors today, plumber to do heating today and tomorrow (ha!), gypsies doing roof yesterday and all completed by this weekend.
In other news, of which there is starting to be a little, I have been having a lot of fun making things for our church craft fair, have just completed the church calendar, and am rather impressed by John Lennox's new book about God and science.
So yesterday saw the arrival of a new member of the cast: the carpenter. His task was to fit the doors which go between the new room and the living room; in an unneccesary display of initiative he decided to build me a cupboard on the landing instead. But this is ok, since I do need the cupboard; it was just that I need the doors more. However, by this stage I think we're all resigned to the bizarre sense of priority exhibited by the builders, so we shall take this in our stride and move on.
No sign of any heating until this morning, when I stepped outside my front door to go to work, all sleepy and minding my own business, and was accosted by the Chief Builder, someone else, some doors and the new boiler. The Chief Builder and the other man were exceptionally cheerful for that time of the morning, and I fear I came across as a little sleepy. Still, as I drove off they were enthusiastically moving doors, hinges and boiler into my house, where they will no doubt take up residence for the next fortnight or so, until someone gets round to installing them.
Incidentally, is it polite to use the word 'toilet' in normal conversation? You see, when I say that I've had no bathroom for about a month, people gasp in horror and I feel obliged to assure them that I have always had a toilet throughout. But should I say 'toilet', or does one say 'loo'? Or is there another even more polite word, like WC? Or is it one of those things where the chavs and the Queen say 'toilet' and everyone else says 'loo'? CAN YOU HELP?
So, scheduled prognosis for the building work: tiling to be done today, carpenter to do doors today, plumber to do heating today and tomorrow (ha!), gypsies doing roof yesterday and all completed by this weekend.
In other news, of which there is starting to be a little, I have been having a lot of fun making things for our church craft fair, have just completed the church calendar, and am rather impressed by John Lennox's new book about God and science.
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