The WhyNotSmile Guide To The Northern Ireland Assembly

First of all, apologies if you don't live in Northern Ireland, because you're not going to care about this in the slightest. However, over the past week, at least several people have asked me who they should vote for in the upcoming elections for the Northern Ireland Assembly, and it has become apparent that the reason for such a flurry of questioning is that most people (ie at least 2 of my acquaintances) don't actually know what the Northern Ireland Assembly is, or how it works.

Thankfully, WhyNotSmile is here, as ever, to help.

Secondly, i have no special insider information on any of this; I just read it on Wikipedia. So don't take it as Gospel.

1. What is the Northern Ireland Assembly?

The Northern Ireland Assembly (NIA) is a group of people who've been elected (of which, more presently) by the rest of us to keep things running. So they keep an eye on things like schools, hospitals and, apparently, heating systems. There are some things they're not allowed to meddle in, because it's important for Westminster to have something to do, so, for instance, they can't suddenly make us use funny currency, or declare war on the Isle of Man. There's a whole list of things that they can't do ever, and then there's a list of things that they can't do yet, but might be allowed to do in the future if they demonstrate that they wouldn't make a pig's ear of it, and then they're allowed to do everything else, unless they do something that no one's thought of yet but that it seems unwise for them to meddle in, in which case that thing might be added to one of the first 2 lists.

So, the Assembly has 108 members, called MLAs (Members of the Legislative Assembly). It has recently been decided that we could live without some of these MLAs (in general; not specific ones), so the number is being cut down. But we'll come back to that. They all have debates about what they think they should do, and then the DUP override it with the Petition of Concern (which we'll also come back to), and every now and then they all have a Proper Fight and the whole thing collapses for a while while they go to a fancy hotel and figure out what to do next. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because it means more Mark Devenport on my TV *swoon*.

Now, the things the Assembly is allowed to do are divided into Departments, like the Department of Education and the Department of Sports and Other Kinds of Fun (they keep changing these names; these are just examples). So, every department has to have someone in charge of it, and the people in charge of the departments are called the Executive. I shall explain later how they decide who gets to be in charge.

So the Executive are in charge of departments, and then they all have sub-committees (which I think are made up of some of the other MLAs, and maybe some Civil Servants and stuff; I dunno) to actually do stuff, and the Assembly debates what stuff they should do. Roughly.

2. How Does The Northern Ireland Assembly Work?

Now, before we start, it's important to establish that, when it comes to how the Northern Ireland Assembly "works", we need to somewhat broaden our definition of the word "works". In your average situation, when we say that something "works", we imply that it functions, in a reasonably consistent manner, in order to achieve something useful. In this case, though, that's expecting a bit much. The Northern Ireland Assembly "works" in the same way that my 2-year-old "helps" when I'm doing the vacuuming: energy is expended, noise is made, and a lot of praise is accepted at the end, but if we're being honest, the whole thing would proceed much more efficiently if he could be plonked in front of the TV and remain uninvolved. However, also like my 2-year-old, there are large swathes of Northern Irish society who are much better when kept where we can see them, and putting them in the Assembly is (marginally) cheaper than putting them in prison (there being, of course, an uncommon proportion of our Elected Representatives who have tried both).

So, what happens is this: we have elections. Northern Ireland is split into 18 constituencies (soon to be cut to 17, though I'm unclear who we're ditching). A constituency is an area, like, East Belfast (yeo), Fermanagh and South Tyrone, or South Down. Each constituency has, until now, been allowed to choose 6 MLAs, but this is being cut to 5, to save money or something. So this will give us 85 MLAs instead of 108. Each party can choose some candidates to stand for election in each area, and random individuals can put themselves forward too. Then they all spend a fortune putting posters up all over the place, because it is well known that people often think "Oh, I was going to vote for Candidate X with all those great policies they're putting forward, but now that I've seen an actual photo of Candidate Y I will vote for him instead". I suppose that's what happens when you have candidates who look as responsible, efficient and majestic as Jim Allister and Edwin Poots.

Then we all vote, or at least 12% of us vote (in some cases, several times each), and the winners are announced. Now, it is worth considering the method of voting which is used, because this is one of the key bits that no one seems to understand. The Assembly Elections use a system called the Single Transferrable Vote. I plan to explain this in more detail in a future post, but for now it can be summarised thus: you vote by putting numbers instead of an X. So you can vote for lots of people, in order of preference, and if your first choice doesn't get in, then your second choice counts instead.

This is important in Northern Ireland, where vast numbers of people base their view almost entirely on who they don't want to win. Traditionally, one would spot a new, forward-thinking, progressive party, and one would think "I would like to vote for them, but then that's one less vote for Us Lot, so it's basically a vote for Them Lot, so I shall not vote for this new, forward-thinking, progressive party, but instead I shall vote for Us Lot, just to be safe". Under the Single Transferrable Vote system, one can take a punt, as it were, on smaller parties (I don't mean literally take a punt, before someone tries to sail up the Lagan on Naomi Long), and then put the big parties towards the end, so that if the smaller party candidate doesn't win, then your vote gets passed on to the Us Lot party of your choice.

Then someone, somewhere, does some complicated maths, and figures out which 5 people have won in each area. Those 5 people become MLAs.

Next, we have to form the Executive. Now, there are 3 "groups" of parties in Northern Ireland. There's "Them", there's "Us" and there's the "Wishy Washies" (each MLA declares which group they're in). The biggest party in the group with the biggest number of MLAs gets to nominate the First Minister. This is considered Brilliant, although it's never been entirely clear to me what the First Minister does. Having said that, I'm not sure what the Prime Minister does either, but I'm fairly sure it's broadly similar. The biggest party in the group with the second biggest number of MLAs gets to nominate the Deputy First Minister, who does roughly the same as the First Minister.

Then we need to put someone in charge of each department. I'm not entirely clear how this works. First, I think each party has to decide whether it wants to be in the Executive (so a party could, in theory, get loads more votes than everyone else, but decide they don't want any actual responsibility, and therefore not go into the Executive; this puts them in Opposition). Then, of all the ones that want to play, they get allowed to choose some Departments, in proportion to how many MLAs they got.

So, let's say that there are 3 parties who have agreed to go into the Executive. Party A has 25 MLAs, Party B has 15 MLAs, and Party C has 10 MLAs. So 50 in all. Then, let's say there are 8 departments. Party A has half the MLAs, so they get 4 departments. Party B has 15/50 MLAs, so that's 3/10, which is about 1/4, so they get 2 departments. Then C get a fifth, so that's one department. Then there's another formula to figure out how to split up the spare department. I'm not sure how they decide who gets which department; maybe it's like picking teams in school, where you take it in turns to choose. I dunno.

What I DO know is that no one is allowed the Department of Justice unless they're one of the middle ground parties, because it's obvious to everyone that Us Lot and Them Lot wouldn't trust each other with a bucket of water, let alone actual justice. Probably with good reason, let's face it.

Now, the one aspect of all this that we haven't discussed is the Petition of Concern, which was designed to stop Them Lot ganging up on Us Lot, but seems to have morphed into a way of big parties stopping anyone else from doing anything at all that they don't like. The key here is that if a party can get 30 MLAs, they can use the Petition of Concern all over the place to stop anything they just don't like the look of. Other parties have proposed changing the PoC so that this can't happen, but obviously the proposal was blocked by the people who are Quite Happy with how things are, thank you very much.

There's also the Speaker, but I have literally no clue what they do; I think they're essentially a glorified referee, but don't quote me on that.

So, to summarise: you're voting for the people who'll run the place, and it's all designed to be very representative, so basically you should vote for whoever you want and not vote for whoever you don't want, and it'll all be more or less fine.

I trust this helps.

The WhyNotSmile Guide To The World Cup

After the raging success of the WhyNotSmile Guide To The Elections (which went what I call "viral", receiving upwards of 19 hits), it has been requested that I produce a Guide to the World Cup, which is a football thing that starts today. So here goes.

Football
We need to begin by understanding the concept of football. Essentially, football is a sport which involves 2 teams battling it out to see who can get a ball into a net the most often. To make it twice as easy, they have a net at each end of the 'pitch', but they also allow you to keep one of your team members in the net at all times, to try to stop the ball from going in.

Things get more advanced than this, of course. For instance, if you kick someone else and they fall down, then they get to have a special attempt at kicking the back into the net, called a penalty. Sometimes you're allowed to line up all your players between them and the net, to try to block the ball, but this doesn't always happen, and I'm not sure why. Also, at the end of the allotted time, if both teams have got the back into the net the same number of times, then they get to do a penalty shoot-out, and then Germany win. I'm not sure why this happens either.

Then there is the offside rule, which I'm not supposed to be able to understand because I'm a girl. In reality, of course, I understand many things which are much more complex than the offside rule, like the rules of social engagement, which appear to pass many footballers by; the reason I don't understand the offside rule is that I just don't give a fiddler's fart.

In addition to the two teams, there is also a chap called the 'referee' who runs about and tries to make them stick to the rules. Fans have lots of chants about referees, many of whom appear to be "bankers".  I assume this is why football is often played on bank holidays.

The Teams
Now, for the World Cup, there is a team from every country who want to send one, but of course they can't all play each other in a fortnight because there are, like, 200* countries who have football teams, so if they were all going to play a sort of knockout tournament where the winner of each match progresses to the next round, then there would have to be 8 rounds, but the first one would have, like, 100 matches going on, and in total you would have 255 matches, and the wallchart would just be too big for the wall.

* I don't know. I made that up.

And even worse, if you had to insist that each team played every other team, then there would be, like, 200! matches happening, where 200! means "200 factorial", and not just 200 said with a gasp, and since 200! is too big for my calculator to even work it out, we would basically be watching football forever.

So instead they have matches ahead of time to see who is good enough to qualify for the finals, and teams like Northern Ireland fluke their way through every now and then, but mostly it's teams who are actually good, and also England. I think they let England play every time because they invented football or something.

It's always important to establish who's actually still in the thing if you want to sound competent in work when the topic comes up; I once spent a fortnight supporting Republic of Ireland before being taken to one side and told they hadn't qualified that time. In some workplaces, of course, they'd just have given me Ireland in the office sweepstake (of which more later) and been done with it.

So if someone asks you which team you're supporting, you want to say the name of a country; preferably one that's good at football, or England.

The 2014 World Cup
Now, each time they have the thing (which is every 4 years), they have it in a different place. This is decided by some manner of corruption or something, rather than by my preferred method of keeping it like Eurovision, where the place that won last time gets to host it this time round. Anyway, this year it's in Brazil, and if you fancy going over to it you should probably take a paintbrush and be ready to give them hand with painting the lines on, for it is widely believed that things Aren't Quite Ready Yet. Next time round it's in Qatar, which is a real place and is too hot to play football in.

World Cup Traditions
Now, regardless of whether you like football or not, you can still get into the spirit of things by involving yourself in one of the many time-honoured traditions which have sprung up around it. These include:

• Sticker albums: produced by Panini, these are like scrapbooks, but with spaces for stickers with footballers on them. You can often get the album for free, and then spend approximately £3800 on stickers, in a futile bid to collect them all. The stickers come in little packets, and the idea is that you swap them with your friends in school until everybody has all of them; naturally, the people who make the stickers ensure that a chosen few are really rare, and these become valuable currency in playgrounds across the country. It used to be that sticker albums were the preserve of the pre-teen boy, but now with EBay and everything, access to stickers for "swapsies" is wider, thus restoring the dream to adults as well. Note to adult males: women do not generally consider this to be impressive behaviour.
• The Office Sweepstake: this happens in every office in the land when the World Cup is on.  Basically, you get a list of all the teams who are playing, and then throw them in a box (except usually you can't find a box, so someone cups their hands and you put them in there), and then you allocate everyone in the office a team or a number of teams. Everyone pays a pound and whoever's team wins gets to keep all the money at the end.  More advanced systems involve 'seeding' the teams, or having first, second and third prizes, but this really makes no difference, because there's always one person in the office who always wins, every. freaking. time. (yes, Alex, I'm looking at you). Obviously a challenge is presented if you have more people in your office than there are teams playing, but this can be resolved by sub-dividing the office into more manageable groups.
• Wallcharts: a staple of every World Cup, ever, the Wallchart usually comes free with The Mirror about a fortnight before it all kicks off. Even I have been known to end up with a World Cup wallchart, and take great delight in filling it all in.  The essential components are: lots of pictures of flags; some enlightening commentary on each of the teams; and the actual Chart bit.  The Chart bit lists the various 'pools', and the scheduled matches, and there's a little space for you to write in the score for each match. Then when it all progresses to the quarter finals and so on, you get to write in the matches and the winners and stuff.  For some reason, it's all completely glorious fun.
• Anthems: every time, some trendy band are asked to write a World Cup anthem for everyone to sing when they cheer on England to their certain victory.  It's usually crap, so then some band that no one has heard of comes out with something much better and unofficial, and everyone sings that instead. The vital ingredients are references to: 1966 (the last time England won), the hurt which has engulfed the nation ever since, curry, beer and a lot of cheering because this will be Our Year.

So the World Cup kicks off tonight, and you can now prepare yourself for every conversation you will have between now and July 13th.  I trust this helps.

The WhyNotSmile Guide To The Upcoming Elections

Now, we have elections coming up here in Belfast on 22nd May, and a number of people* have asked for guidance on how the process works, who to vote for, and so on. So it is as a Public Service that I hereby present The WhyNotSmile Guide To The Upcoming Elections.

* 1 person, plus my husband, who didn't actually ask but got told anyway

How The Process Works
Now, there are various types of election, and they require voting in different ways. This can be confusing for the amateur voter, but is easily resolved by reading the instructions at the top of the voting form, or by asking the person who hands you the form to start with. There are generally 2 methods:

1. The one where you put an X beside one person's name
This is quite simple, so long as you're careful not to accidentally write your name or draw a smiley face or something in any of the other boxes or on the rest of the page. 30 seconds of self-control and you're grand.

2. The one where you put all the people in order of how much you like them
This is Voting For The More Advanced Citizen. You put a 1 beside the person you like the most. Then you put a 2 beside the person you like the next most, and so on, until you get to all the people you don't like at all, at which point you stop. It's a bit like in school when you got to be team captain and choose who you wanted in order of how much you wanted them, except that this time you can stop when you get down to the riff-raff, and not be stuck with the likes of me on your team, all over-enthusiasm and skill-less-ness. It also means I get to sit on the sidelines and read my book, rather than accidentally ending up elected to something, so everyone's happy.

What You're Voting For
The next question must be: what are we voting for? What are these people going to do? There are essentially 5 possibilities here:

1. Local Councils
These are the people who collect the bins and get rid of dog poo. For this you want your basic Responsible Type, who can sit through a meeting without stabbing annoying people in the face, and who understands how dumps work and that sort of thing. These are Details People. If they call at your door looking for votes, you should quiz them on things like what can go in the recycling bins, and where to catch the bus into town on a Saturday.

2. The Northern Ireland Assembly
This is Where It All Happens, or so the occupants like to think. This lot decide how we spend all the money that we get from England, and whether The Gays can get married or not, so it's Quite The Place. Mostly, of course, the DUP and Sinn Fein spend the time shouting at each other, so for this you want someone who's not too easily wound up by twits. It's probably going to be a choice between a series of people who think they're quite important, and then one or two who might actually Make Stuff Happen; contrary to historical practice, it might be worth trying to identify one of the latter, and giving them a shot at it.

3. Westminster
This is the person who gets to fly to London and claim duck houses from the taxpayers. Now, generally this will end up being the same person who's been doing it for the last 50 years (or, if they have recently retired, their son), but I urge you all to follow the example of East Belfast from last time around and vote for someone who'll actually Do Stuff, and not just fanny about naming leisure centres after themselves. But, of course, it's up to you.

4. Europe
Every now and then we get to send people to Europe. I'm not entirely sure what they do; I think it's mostly about organising fishing. Anyway, for this one we want to send someone nice, rather than someone who's going to make us look like we couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery without first separating the brewery into 'themuns' and 'usuns', drawing flags all over the place and then parading past each other singing about how we beat you 3000 years ago so NAH! Seriously, nobody in Europe cares. Let's try and not look like idiots in front of Angela Merkel.

5. Some sort of referendum
From time to time you'll get an election paper where the options are just 'yes' and 'no' instead of being people's names. This is a referendum, and you just have to say what you think is the right answer to the question. It's sort of like a survey, but there's no prize draw for completing it.

So we see that it is important to establish what the election is all about and what sort of person we require before we move on to the next step.

Who To Vote For
Now we come to the more important question: who to vote for. There are a series of steps involved in this decision.

1. If you have the option of voting for Naomi Long, always vote for Naomi Long.
She has personally promised Mr Smile that she will reduce tax on crisps when she becomes Prime Minister. And also, she's not a twit, which is Quite New for Northern Irish politics. She organises debates in parliament and has not yet named anything in the constituency after herself. I'm thinking of getting her to cut the ribbon on my new living room once the decorating is done.

2. If you do not have the option of voting for Naomi Long, try moving house, preferably to East Belfast.
I appreciate that this is not an option for everyone: some of you, for instance, will have to stay in the likes of Fermanagh to milk the cows and so on. But it's worth a shot if you're able to try it.

3. If you have moved to East Belfast and still do not have the option of voting for Naomi Long, it may be that it's Not That Type Of Election.
You should probably have had the foresight to look into this before you went to all the effort of moving house, but East Belfast is nice and we're glad you're here anyway. Please familiarise yourself with the recycling regulations.

If you do end up unable to vote for Naomi Long, then you may have to decide for yourself. At this point, it is useful to know a bit about the various parties.

The Unionists
These will generally have a name containing the letter 'U', and a logo with a British flag on it. The exceptions to this are the New Kid on the Block, NI21, because they're trying to be all cool and stuff, and UKIP, who have a 'U', but not in the Northern Irish sense (and are only Unionist in the technical sense, not in true Northern Irish fashion). We can summarise the Unionists as follows:

Ulster Unionists
Bonkers level: moderate
Key facts: led by Mike who used to read the news, the UUP is the party of choice for those who want to keep Sinn Fein out, but think the DUP are a bit mental. All in favour of the traditional bastions of life, such as parades and flags, but think it's a bit undignified to come out on the streets about it.

Democratic Unionists
Bonkers level: high
Key facts: the DUP have many years of experience of getting very odd people into highly unsuitable jobs. Like the health minister who thinks The Gays are all contaminated and won't let them give blood in case they spread Gay to the rest of us. Or the one who kicked up a big fuss because he wanted creationist displays alongside the Finn McCool displays at the Giant's Causeway. They're all terribly, terribly earnest, of course, but if you met any of them in the back of a pub (which you wouldn't), you'd feel inclined to back away slowly and in as heterosexual a way as you could manage.

Traditional Unionist Voice
Bonkers level: off the scale
Key facts: formed by people who left the DUP because it was too wishy-washy, these guys mean business. They rarely achieve it, due to all being completely mental.

NI21
Bonkers level: unclear, but initially not, apparently, too bad
Key facts: formed not that long ago, they haven't really got themselves together yet. You probably still have time to sign up as their Euro candidate. Policies appear to depend on what will get them lots of votes, and I don't think even they have high expectations of winning much. Still, they all seem quite nice.

PUP
Bit scary.

Sort-of Unionists

UKIP
Bonkers level: they're either very very bonkers or extremely cunning. Quite possibly both
Key facts: you can cost them money by sending stuff to their Freepost address, but only up to Large Letter size. You can also not vote for them, and you can improve things further by voting for someone else instead.

NI Conservatives
Bonkers level: no idea
Key facts: no idea. They all look very earnest on their posters though, and are clearly wearing their best suits.

The Nationalists
Generally these have logos featuring lots of green (although so do the Greens and Conservatives). There are two kinds:

Sinn Fein
Bonkers level: more scary than bonkers
Key facts: they are very keen to stress that violence is not the way forward. Any more.

SDLP
Bonkers level: not at all bonkers in any way. Also not very interesting.
Key facts: they still exist.

The Others
There are a few parties out there who are not really all that fussed about The Border, and prefer to concentrate on things like the economy and making it easier to cycle. They are:

Alliance
Bonkers level: not generally bonkers at all, though I'd say David Ford could liven up a party if you filled him with whiskey
Key facts: people argue that they can't vote Alliance because they sit on the fence too much, without recognising that the fence is fine; it can give you a commanding view of the surrounding area, and you can maybe sort out the economy and healthcare and stuff while you're up there, instead of arsing about on the ground yapping about parades. Also, flegs.

The Greens
Bonkers level: highly variable
Key facts: the sort of people you meet in the pub, with fabulous big ideas that are completely implausible but also brilliant. If they actually got put in charge, the place would be in pieces by lunchtime, but you definitely want a few of them about to keep everything grounded.

Independents
Bonkers level: suspect
Key facts: I'm always suspicious of people who don't belong to a party but stand for election. It's like people who are self-employed; you sort of assume they're lazy and don't like being told what to do.

So those are your options, and it is important to choose wisely. I trust this helps.

The Sam Thompson Bridge: WhyNotSmile Investigates

So they opened a whole new bridge in Belfast, and, since I would basically go to the opening of an envelope, you can imagine my excitement. Even better, this bridge is part of a scheme to connect my house to The Dock Café*, thus joining up my two favourite places and enabling me to cycle between them with ease.

* This may not be the actual aim of the scheme

So naturally, I had to be there. I got off to a shaky start when crossing the road over to the bridge, as I was joined on the crossing by a lady with a microphone headset thing, and a lady wearing the sort of coat you wear if you're about to open a bridge, and I figured they were probably Something To Do With It, until the lady in the coat said "Is this the bridge?", and then I thought maybe this was just the sort of event you're supposed to wear a posh coat to. Particularly as this was roughly the view we had at this point:

Yes, love, this is the bridge.

Anyway, I got to the start of the bridge and was generally in the way, because I had my bike and it was quite a tight squeeze, but on the other hand I didn't want to chain it up because then I might Miss All The Fun. Some local dignitaries arrived, plus the First Minister and Minister for Local Development (I think that's what he is; anyway, I later heard him say nasty things about the Lord Mayor, so I don't like him, because that's just not a Nice Thing To Do). So they all got sent onto the bridge, and then the rest of us were ushered forwards. All the other cyclists pushed their bikes, but I cycled because then I got to be the first person to cycle across it, and it's not like there's much else in my life I can boast about.

We stopped in the middle for Speeches And A Poem, and then they declared the bridge open, and the fire brigade from the airport squirted a big jet of water across the river, which was exciting but also a bit "Ha ha we can make a bridge too".

Then we got given wristbands, so they could keep count, and I asked for an extra one for my unborn child* and got one, and then my wristband had a red spot which meant I had won a prize, so I got quite excited. At some point I also got given some keyrings. So we carried on to the far side of the bridge, where lots of people had gathered to come across from the other direction, and I annoyed quite a few of them by ramming them with my bike. Anyway, the atmosphere was very jolly, so I just kept smiling and walking.

(* Yes. For those of you who haven't heard, Baby Smile is due to make an appearance in September. I would post a scan photo, but, while my child is undoubtedly exceptionally talented in many ways, those ways do not include "Looking any different from any other baby in an ultrasound scan". Feel free to imagine any baby scan photo you've ever had to fake-smile at, and that's basically close enough.)

Next step was to track down The Former Housemate Formerly Known As Dozavtra, which I did by standing completely still until she phoned me to see where I was, and then came to find me. So we crossed back over the bridge because she hadn't crossed it yet, and then back over to get back to her starting point, and then we claimed my prize, which was tickets to a play. I was one wristband away from winning an iPod Shuffle, but still.

Then Former Housemate Formerly etc went off to go back to her car, and I cycled back across the bridge, panicking slightly because they were closing it off to let a fun run through, and much as the park that the bridge goes to is very nice, I didn't really want to be trapped in it forever, or even for as long as the fun run was going to take.

So all in all, it was very pleasant and we had a nice time, and I recommend going to see the bridge if you're in the area.

A Series Of Things

So I've had a lot of thoughts going on in my head this past while, and I haven't quite distilled them to the point where I'm ready to write about them, but I thought I'd list them so that you can all keep asking me for my deep and incisive thoughts on them.  Otherwise, my vast pool of wisdom could end up being lost to the internet for ever, and that would Not Do At All.

Topic 1: Marriage
So remember I said I was reading a book about marriage and it was making me feel a bit sarcastic?  Well, Mr Smile asked me for my reasons, and at the time I'm not sure I had them properly established.  However, since then I've had coffee with my friend Emma, and she recommended a book, and I looked it up on Amazon, and it's subtitle was "What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?" and I was all "YES!!!  THAT'S what I want to read about!".  So I think the problem with the current marriage book is that it's all a bit "making your marriage work" and I don't really want to read about that, not because it's not important, but because it's not very exciting, and I want exciting.

(In case you're wondering why I'm reading all these books about marriage, it's not that I'm having a marriage crisis; it's more that because we got married fairly quickly after getting engaged, we didn't have time to go to any marriage preparation classes, and in any case we probably would have been thrown out because we would only have sniggered at the sex bits, so I'm reading some books in case there's some vast wisdom out there that I've missed out on.  I still snigger at the sex bits, because I am Not Very Mature. It's also because some people bought us books on marriage for engagement/wedding presents, so it would be rude not to read them).

Topic 2: Loving People
I came across an article on 'tinternet the other day, all about how to love people who annoy you, and it was fine as far as it went, but then I got in a discussion on The Facebook, which lead me to think "Really the command is not to get along with people, it's to love them.  And really it's not about people who annoy you, it's about actual enemies and that". So I have some Thoughts On That, which I'm preparing to dispense.

Topic 3: Friendship and being nice
A third ongoing issue is that of how to be a good friend, especially to someone who has let you down or who is doing crazy stuff that hurts you a lot, or, you know, that kind of thing.  And it has seemed to me that it is not important to be nice, but it is important to be all manner of other things which are much more difficult and scary and possibly unpleasant and risky but which are also (as far as you can ascertain) loving and helpful and therefore you have to do them because the person is your friend and you care about them.  But also you don't want to completely just feck the person off by being an utter twat (incidentally, Mr Smile and I are currently involved in an ongoing argument as to whether 'twat' is a really bad swear word, or just a funnier version of 'twit'... please feel free to get involved), plus they're an adult, and frankly, when they want your opinion they can ask for it, and anyway you might not be as Right as you think, and anyway also you should probably sometimes just shut up and listen.

This reminded me of my second form chemistry teacher, who once said during a lesson (I've no idea why, but this may explain why I have only a very basic grasp of chemistry) that he would never want to be described as 'nice', and this shocked me because I was a 12-year-old girl and being thought of as 'nice' was the only ambition I had at that point.  But now I think I agree entirely with him, because, as they say, no one ever changed the world by being nice, and also because we're supposed to be like Jesus, and I don't know that He was really all that nice, when it came to it.

Topic 4: The Inanity Of Following Your Heart
This was prompted entirely by this article, and I like it because I've never been comfortable with following my heart, but people seem to tell me to do it sometimes, and therefore they are Wrong and I am Right, and I like when that happens.

Also, it gave the opportunity for her over at Living Gently to share the following quote on Facebook, and is worth a lot for that reason alone:

 "Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."

Rob (John Cusack) in High Fidelity

So these are all grand, and I hope to come back to them, but I think we also need some light entertainment, and so I present some of it here:

1. This is the work of a genius.  An evil genius.

2. Daily Odd Compliments are hysterical.

3. Very British Problems will hit home.

4. Pins which amused me this week were this, this and this.

You're Welcome.

What to talk to me about

Now I've never been a big one for the conversation, but of late I've been feeling that the quality of the offerings has dipped a bit.  So I decided to make a graph, so you know what to talk to me about:

This shows the things people have been trying to talk to me about of late, and things I would like to talk about, and the varying levels of interest in each.

Ideally, all conversation would be on the middle line there, with both myself and everyone else being interested in the same things.  But alas, for most conversation seems to be in the top left, and these are things I'm not so fussed on discussing.

I have not at any stage had an interest in the horse meat thing, for instance.  I just don't really care that much. Maybe it's because I've always suspected that 90% of what's in processed food is pretty iffy.  Maybe it's the bad horse puns.  Nevertheless, I can't get myself excited.

Likewise, I'm not that interested in discussing my wedding; partly because it makes me stressed, and partly because I've never really found wedding details intrinsically interesting.  People always assured me that I'd feel differently about my own wedding; it has come as no surprise to me to find that I don't.  If I was interested in something when it happened to me, I would also be interested when it happened to my friends, because that's how friends work.

On the other hand, I am always pleased to have conversation about the Six Nations, or about what we're planning for church this half term and Easter, because those are Quite Interesting.

And, as of about an hour ago, I have become obsessed with the Pope resigning, so you'll probably find that you won't hear the end of THAT for Quite Some Time.

A Thing About The Flegs

So there's a thing that's been bothering me in all this talk about The Fleg Protests, and it is this: I keep hearing the protesters referred to as 'scumbags', 'lowlifes', 'hoods', 'morons' etc.  Of course, this is simply classic Northern Irish tribalism, but with the boundaries rotated.  Nowadays, instead of splitting into 'Nationalist' and 'Unionist', we're splitting into 'the ones with sense' and 'the eejits'.  But This Simply Will Not Do, because Tribalism has never served us well, and in order to move forward, we need to move together.

It's rather depressing to see politicians trot out the same old lines night after night: "They started it", "They attacked us first", "Our rights are being stripped away", "They get handed everything and it's being taken from us". In the midst of this, I've been impressed by the likes of Naomi Long, who said, after receiving a death threat, that she wants to build a shared future which includes everyone, and specifically, which also includes those who issued a death threat against her.  Naomi is one of those incredibly impressive people who can, under pressure, take a loaded question and instead of giving the same old answer, can inject her response with grace, sense and vision.  Kind of a bit like Jesus.  She's also funny on Facebook.  Also like Jesus, maybe.

Anyway, I think this is the right way to do things.  We need to build a future which includes everyone.  And we can't do that if we write people off because they're a bit undesirable, what with their hoodies and their bricks and their funny little accents (Although there's a fabulous irony in one area of Belfast mocking another area for their accent.  A bit like the pot calling the other pot a pot.).

* WARNING: sudden swing into Religious Talk coming up about now *

Now, part of this of course comes down to churches, and this brings up another point. Since announcing my Intention To Become Mrs Smile, several people in church (and outside it) have asked whether I'll be moving house.  The underlying question often includes the nuance 'to somewhere a bit nicer'.  I can't blame them, since this is what has happened to pretty much every couple who have got engaged/married in our church in the past number of years, and in churches in the area.  It's not as if it's a bad area, it's just not necessarily the most desirable, so people assume you'll want to get out of it when you have the option, to have more bedrooms and a bigger garden, and a place to park the car.  But I have no intention of going anywhere, mainly because my stress levels would go through the ceiling if I had to move house, but also because I believe that the local church is the hope of the world, and the hope of the local area as well.  We can't make a difference in an area unless we live in the area, worship in the area, serve the area, and know people in the area.  Too many people of my generation are off to the 'big name' churches, which are often in the nice middle-class areas, serving the nice middle-class areas, attracting the nice middle-classes.  Too few hang around in the places that are struggling because their members are elderly (and therefore often having wisdom and experience, but not necessarily fond of drums), or unchurched (and therefore with fresh vision, but also crazy ideas during Bible studies), or too stretched in their resources (and therefore having to rely on God, but not really knowing that the work they do can be paid after the end of the month, even though it's already on a budget of about £3 per week).

Now, my church isn't quite in that situation (although too stretched in the resources department is true, so feel free to send us money (no, seriously)), but we want to serve the community we're in, and by and large we do that best when we actually live there and know the area and know the people.  We'll never do it if we start labelling people, whether as scroungers, skivers, shirkers, lowlifes, scumbags and chavs, posh, holy, mature, needy, useful or anything else.  We'll do it if we get to know people as people, and we see their good, bad and annoying only after seeing our own good, bad and annoying, and only after realising that the reason we can live with the bad is that we've been redeemed by a gracious God who sees everyone else as being precisely as good/bad/annoying as he sees us.

Of course, then they might join our church and do weird things like go all fundamentalist or not understand the doctrine of prevenient grace or not like our cool new worship singing (it is interesting to note that people who are not in the habit of going to church very often quite like the Old Ways Of Doing Things, Thankyouverymuch, although we like to think that they'll be all cool like us (not like me, I'm not cool at all.  But like the cool people)).  And they may have to miss the Bible Study to go and stand at the protests, if those happen to clash, but that doesn't mean that they have nothing to input to the study, it just means that maybe we'll have to learn from them over a cup of tea at a more convenient time.

But I digress. I'm just saying that if we've deserted a particular area because it wasn't 'nice enough' for us, then we can't really stand and wring our hands and look down on the people who live there as if they are in some way inferior.  I'm saying that maybe we need to stop thinking we can have All The Nice We Want and if other people get left behind, tough.  Because we have to Share The Nice, people.

At some point I may give you my rants on The Middle Classes, Spiritual Journeys, and General Christian Bollocks, but I have been specifically asked to share my rant on Youth Work, and that may be next.

It is also entirely possible that I am completely wrong about all of this, and that I will change my opinion tomorrow.  So don't get too worked up, like.

On What We Should All Do This Evening

So you'll have heard by now of the Flag Protests which are sweeping Belfast, and making us Look Bad On International News.  Now, the truth, of course, is that the majority of us are going about our daily business without much difficulty, and that the riots have been on about 3 roads; but none of this looks terribly exciting on the telly, so they have to make it look like we're all out there throwing bricks at whatever gets in our way, and generally setting fire to things and yelling a lot.

Still, every now and then they(*)'re having a Big Protest, in which they aim to bring Belfast to a standstill.  In fairness, this is not difficult: as we've seen in the past when a lorry parked itself in a bus lane, or a set of traffic  lights went out, or someone fell off a bike at a particular junction, Belfast's road network is built on the principle that "Every action has an equal and entirely complementary reaction, which will only ever compound the original problem until the whole thing stops moving altogether".  I could probably bring Belfast to a standstill myself, simply by placing a cardboard box in the middle of a carefully-chosen road junction (**).

But tonight is one such Big Protest, with people coming out in droves in the likes of Greyabbey to register their disgust at the flag not flying twenty times as often here as it does in the rest of the UK.  It is possible that this could have a negative effect on local businesses, most of whom have no influence over the Thing About The Flag and are only trying to Get By In Times Of Recession, so a Counter-Thing has been suggested, which involves us all going to local cafes, pubs and restaurants this evening to have a Nice Time.

Now this is precisely The Sort Of Thing I Like, as I would much rather live in a city which has pubs and cafes and restaurants, and has plenty of them for me to choose from, even though I don't really eat out, than live in a city which doesn't give me the option of eating out but which has a flag flying above a building I can't even see.  So I suggest that we all take this on board and eat out tonight, or, as in my case, have a cup of tea out.  And maybe if we see protesters who we know we should offer to take them for a cup of tea also, and they might see that it's Quite Nice to go for a cup of tea and it's also warmer than being at a protest, and then maybe they will calm down about the flag thing and we can all just Be Friends And Have A Nice Time Drinking Tea, which is, in any case, much more British than complaining(***).


(*) 'they' being a group of people who spell things badly on Facebook
(**) I don't plan to.  I'm just saying I probably could, because that's how Belfast's road network is constructed
(***) I mean, seriously, did you see the portrait that Kate Middleton has pretended to like?  Seriously people: follow the lead of your Monarchy - no matter what happens, smile and nod, and drink tea.

An Advert I Don't Understand

There's an advert I don't understand at the moment.  Maybe y'all can help.  It's on the radio, and it's for a car.  It goes a bit like this:

Customer: I want to buy a car 

Salesman: This car has lots of extras, like SatNav and special brakes and stuff 

Customer: I don't need those, I have maps and I can stop by myself 

Salesman: Well, tough, it comes with them anyway 

Customer: How much for the car without the pointless extras? 

Salesman: It costs the same. You have to have the pointless extras.

I don't understand why I would buy this car, which I'm sure is otherwise very nice.

London 2012 Opening Ceremony: The Live Blog

00:41 Right.  I think that's pretty much it.  Totally worth it for that torch bit at the end, and the fireworks.  Thank you all for the pleasure of your company.  No sheep were harmed in the making of this blog, and the Olympics people still aren't giving me any money to produce it.  I would not mind at all being in the Olympic Stadium right now, but since that's not an option, I would quite like to be in bed.


00:40 Did someone pass a law that says Paul McCartney has to go to everything?


00:39 FROG SONG! FROOOOGGGG SONG!


00:39 Ugh.  Paul McCartney.


00:36 Right.  THAT was awesome.  To explain it, I have to tell you that when the various countries came in, they were each carrying a copper thingy.  The copper thingies came together to make the torch.  And now there are fireworks and it is FABULOUS and I LOVE IT!


00:35 OH!  THAT'S CLEVER!  LOVE IT!


00:34 So these kids are lighting the torch?


00:32 Synchronised hugging.


00:32 Hmm, some kids have nicked the torch and are running round the stadium.  Is this an official thing?


00:30 Here's the torch!  No sign of Wenlock leading the way though.


00:29 At this point, we take a small break to wish Alex a happy birthday.


00:29 Also, apparently "Olympism" is a word.  Not according to Google spellchecker, it's not.


00:28 Apparently they're just starting to broadcast this in America.  They have QUITE the evening ahead.


00:27 Now they're swearing oaths.  This IS like a GB display.


00:25 Steve Redgrave!  Yay!!!  Also, not David Beckham!  Double yay!


00:24 David Beckham still speeding up the Thames in a boat.  We're about to find out who gets to light the torch.


00:20 Here's the flag.  I think they just said that one of the people carrying it is the Champion of the Earth.  Seems like a job that should have more responsibility than this.


00:13 Ok, the pace has slowed a bit.  Didn't think it was possible.


00:10 Ah, good.  A history lesson.  Just what I was wanting. Boyfriend Smile has gone home, by the way.


00:07 How are we going in America, by the way?  Have they started broadcasting it yet?  You've 3 hours to go.


00:06 Flying bird on a bike!


00:03 Birds on bikes, with light up wings.  The boyfriend is talking about going home.


00:03 Nice.


00:01 Oh, nice fireworks.  Mind they don't set the torch off.


00:00 Music.  Please no.  Someone light the sodding torch so we can all go home.


The next day Twitter was made for nights like this.


23:59 Hope Tom Daley's tan doesn't wash off...


23:58 If Greece had a euro for every minute they've been standing on that hill... well, things would be a LOT better for them.


23:55 For anyone just tuning in in America, I can officially promise you, it does end.  And then the Queen picks her nails.


23:54 If I have waited this long and David Freaking Beckham lights the torch, people will suffer.  Anyway, YAY!! Great Britain!  With ABBA jackets.


23:48 I need you to manage my expectations.  How many countries start with X?  Including any they've made up just for tonight.


23:48 Did we not just have Vanatu?  And not Ukraine?  Are we out of order, or have I forgotten how the alphabet goes?  It's possible; I'm very tired.


23:47 Keep drumming, boys. Are UK so late because they're the hosts and let everyone else go first, or is it alphabetical?


23:45 Spain have only just reached the hill.  Team GB are scheduled to enter the stadium in 2043.


23:44 I thought I knew all the countries.  Apparently, I do not.


23:43 I need to pee.


23:39 I thought Sudan was 2 countries now?  Still, no point stretching this out any more.


23:38 I'm just cheering everything now.

23:36 Somalia!


23:35 Slovakia!  I've been there!


23:25 Moving to Papua New Guinea, for the flag.


23:24 Pakistan's is a flag I can never identify.


23:20 Nepal.  The one with the flag you get asked about at quizzes.


23:17 Team GB are due in the stadium at about midnight.  I cry.


23:14 Did anyone light the torch yet?


23:10 The 'Stans have very fancy flags.


23:08 Kiribati?  You are making this up now, right?


23:06 First sighting of Wenlock this evening.


23:05 Isle of Man residents would compete for Team GB, I'm told.


23:04 IRELAND!!!


23:03 "The Queen looking on with great interest" says the commentator, as the camera cuts to a shot of the Queen not looking at all interested.


22:54 Ah! AH! AH! AH! AH! Stayin' Alive!!


22:47 The Czech Republic are wearing wellies.  That was not expected.


22:45 Question for you, internet: if you live on the Isle of Man or the Channel Islands, which team would you be on?


22:42 I like the flags on the hill.  Nice touch.


22:41 Boyfriend now playing "Man or Woman?" with some of the athletes.


22:40 Someone asked in the comments what happened to the sheep.  I do not know, but there's no sign of them now.


22:38 This is getting more like a GB display.  Soon they'll all sit on the floor and the minister's wife will give them trophies for skipping and craft.


22:36 Brunei Darussallam? WHERE?


22:23 14 minutes in and we're only on the Bs?


22:30 I'm keeping quiet here, because I know no facts at all about any of these places.


22:23 There's a country called American Samoa?


22:22 Not sure about those we country signs they're all carrying.  A bit Pound Shop.


22:20 The athletes at last!


22:20 Just told the boyfriend I want Abide With Me at my funeral.  He's a bit worried he'll be losing his mind by then and I'll get Firestarter instead.


22:18 Abide With Me always makes me cry.  Except, apparently, when my boyfriend is next to me with 2 stuffed Wenlocks in his arms.


22:13 David Beckham.  Go away.  He's just driving the boat, right?  He's not lighting the thing?


22:09 The torch relay!  Will actually die of happy if you get a glimpse of me here.


22:09 Tim Berners-Lee looks a bit lost there, to be honest.


22:06 BONKERS!


22:05 This is epic.


22:04 LAGER! LAGER! LAGER! SHOUT IT!


22:03 I had leggings like that!


22:01  And now into the eighties.  The rest of the world is sitting with its mouth open, and a puzzled expression.  I can tell.


22:00 Ah the seventies: bad catsuits, Bohemian Rhapsody and 3D glasses.


21:59 This is the future, right?  This never really happened?  Or was this when they were all on drugs?


21:58 Ah yes, the falcon. *nods sagely*


21:57 The rest of the world is thinking "huh?"


21:55 Ah, fluorescent tubes and bright socks.  A tribute to GB Displays across the land and throughout history.


21:54 No real clue what's going on now.


21:49 Had to hang up because I couldn't hear Papa Smile over the sound of Boyfriend Smile laughing at Mr Bean.  Boyfriend Smile just told me Rowan Atkinson is 50th in line to the throne.


21:47 Papa Smile is on the phone. Apparently Mama Smile just said this bit's going to be good.


21:45 GAH!  Creepy giant baby!!!


21:42 Yay!  Mary Poppins to the rescue!  So to summarise the last 5 minutes: small children in hospital were terrorised by the Child Catcher and Voldemort, and then lots of Mary Poppinses flew down from the sky and rescued them.  Now the children are dancing on the beds.  And Richard Dawkins plays on.


21:41 David Cameron is in that Voldemort outfit.  And Richard Dawkins on guitar.


21:41 Free national healthcare.  IN YOUR FACE, AMERICA!


21:39 Children's books.  How long till the Famous Five set up camp on the hill?


21:36 Ah, now the jammies make sense.  Good good. AW! Little kids bouncing on the beds!


21:34 Are we allowed to ask why the kids are in jammies?


21:32 Excellent.  Got the flag right.  Now the anthem.


21:32 Ok, next time they announce stuff in French, someone slip a microphone into Prince Philip's general area.


21:30 Good thing they switched off the air-to-ground missiles.  For those who missed it, the Queen just parachuted in.


21:29 And apparently, blogging makes it so.


21:29 Winch her down!  Parachute!


21:28 Actual WOW.


21:27 I hope this is live and she's about to land the chopper in the stadium.


21:26 THAT WAS ACTUALLY THE QUEEN.  Now, where's Philip?  This is gold.  This is actual gold.  If Philip mutters something about foreigners stealing all the medals, this is the best thing that happened, EVER.


21:24 Ah, now onto embroidery.  Excellent.


21:24 Ok, that end bit was good.


21:22 Oh, LOVING the rings!


21:22 The Steampunk era lasted longer than the history books would have you believe.


21:20 Boyfriend Smile: "Do you think this thing climaxes with Jordan's 9th wedding?"  THIS is why I'm dating him, folks, this right here.


21:19 We're about to run out of history.  THEN WHAT?


21:18 I'm enjoying the drums.  This is improving.


21:15 Is it round about now that they should be going to Ireland to steal all the potatoes?


21:14 I've never watched the Olympics opening ceremony before.  Is it normally like this?


21:11 I'm being heckled on Twitter to be more xenophobic.  Things are bad.


21:10 By the way, you should feel free to add comments below, so I know I'm not alone here.


21:09 Isambard Kingdom Brunell (not sure how to spell him) is about to dig up the fields, kill the peasants, and pollute the air.  Things are looking up.


21:06 Here's a horse-drawn carriage, adding a bit of momentum.  Boyfriend Smile has just said "If this doesn't pick up, Britain need to win ALL the gold medals to make up for it".


21:05 GIANT'S CAUSEWAY!  And an Ireland try!  Woot woot!


21:03 Ok, here we go proper.  It's Bradley Wiggins, yay!  Not lighting the cauldron, just standing on a stage.  Oh, no, ringing a bell.  Just the once, like.  That's it started.  Ugh.  Jerusalem.  NO.  NO, those feet did NOT walk... oh, sod it.  There are people playing cricket.  It's like some kid disturbed a quiet Saturday on the village green.


21:02 Are all the other countries seeing this too?  Flying pigs and ghosts in a subway?


21:01 What in the name of feck am I watching?


21:00 AND WE'RE OFF!


20:57 Almost ready, and some kids are playing Nimrod while the audience get covered in blue fabric, to make the place look like it's surrounded by sea.  Boyfriend Smile has been told to stop talking, and we're ready to go.


20:44 In the stadium, a guy with a guitar is singing a song on a fake hillside.  Boyfriend Smile is already being sarcastic.  People are loading sheaves of wheat into a wagon.  I'm not making this up.  I wish I was, but I would be making up better stuff.  I'm beginning to long for the days of austerity, when they just walked the athletes round the track and then got fecking on with it.


20:39 Back.  Didn't miss much.


20:34 Bathroom break.  Back soon.


20:32 Apparently the ceremony is being shown in 3D.  Alternatively, just act it out.  There are actual live sheep in the stadium, and a couple of people dressed as yokels are putting up a scarecrow.  Every bale of hay is one more strike of fear into my heart.


20:28 Awkward moment there when they showed Amir Khan's watch.  I declared it "tacky".  Boyfriend Smile misheard and thought I'd hurled a racial insult.  I liked his shocked face, but stand by my remarks about the watch.  Anyway, time to start getting settled down for the start.  If you have a cup of tea now, you'll hit Need To Pee time before the ceremony starts, so it's not a bad idea.  Also, this is your last chance to start thinking about any kind of hot food you might wish to prepare.


It's raining in London, and we're watching shots of people with umbrellas.


20:02  Sorry.  Got distracted by Boyfriend Smile.  Anyway, we're still watching random shots of people running and talking.  Nothing to report.


19:25 Boyfriend Smile is here with the Wallchart.

19:11 Sue Barker and Gary Lineker are interviewing Steve Redgrave and Michael Johnston.  We have established that Steve has not yet been asked to light the flame, but he has his phone with him if anyone wants to give him a ring.  Gary's worried that they've forgotten to bring the cauldron.


19:04 I'm suddenly getting hideously nervous about the opening ceremony.  We're seeing shots of the stadium. It involves sheep and fields and little cottages.  Huw Edwards is calling it 'daring and original'.   It sounds and looks dangerously crap.

19:00 The phone was just one of those Indian call centres.  And WE'RE OFF!  With a quick history of London, apparently.  It looks bouncy.  Oh, the black death.  Now Tom Daley in Speedos.  The connection being London, of course.  I can't stand 2 hours of this.


18:59 BBC One are showing that advert for BBC, with the song from the Muppets.  I love that.  Oh, feck, phone....


18:52 I've discovered that these posts are coming out with a weird white background behind the writing.  I don't know why this is happening, and I probably won't get round to fixing it.


18:43 I should also point out that, alongside watching the ceremony and liveblogging, I'll probably be doing some knitting and talking to Boyfriend Smile.  Also, whenever my lodger walks round her bedroom, sometimes I lose TV reception for a couple of minutes, so if it seems like I missed something, blame her.


18:34 Things might start off a little slowly, because we'll be watching the BBC build-up thing, and it might be wick.  Also, Boyfriend Smile is running late, as his dad has him doing errands, so the official wallchart hasn't arrived yet.

18:28 Right.  We're going to try this live blog thing, and here's how it will work.  I will post random snark, and you will keep refreshing the page to see it.  I'll add new things at the top of the page, unless I forget or get confused, in which case they may be at the bottom.

Before we begin, I should point out that I am not in any way affiliated to the Olympic Games, and have not sponsored anything, although I have eaten a lot of Cadbury's chocolate and own 2 official Wenlocks.  But you shouldn't think this is some kind of official Special Insight That I'm Being Paid For or anything.  On the other hand, if the Olympics people are reading, feel free to send me money.

To start us off, I present Opening Ceremony Bingo, as supplied by Innocent Drinks (Official Olympic Types) and shared with me by my friend Sally.

Please print it off and use it for reference:

I like to think we can all play along.

I am also interested in more snarky versions along the same lines, of course.

Your Homework For Tonight

In preparation for this evening's live blog, it would be wise to make sure we're on the same page with regards to comparisons.  For reference, please ensure you take time in advance to familiarise yourself with the terms "GB Display", "Inadvisable Spandex" and "Piss-up In A Bewery".

Thanks.

Liveblogging and The Olympics: WhyNotSmile Investigates

Now, it has been brought to my attention that in some Foreign Places, time is different, and therefore they will not be able to watch the Olympics Opening Ceremony as it happens, because they will all be in work, so the TV is not showing it until later.  This is not The Sort Of Thing I Like, so I propose to remedy it by liveblogging the Opening Ceremony as it happens this evening.

I'm not entirely sure how liveblogging works; for instance, do I just add more updates to the original post?  I assume that if I make lots of posts, then you'll all get annoyed because your RSS Feed will go nuts while you are trying to watch the Olympics, so I think we'll try just editing the existing post, and you can just keep reloading the page.  But if anyone has any better ideas, please let me know.

Until 7pm*, I bid you adieu.

*I know it doesn't start till 9, but Boyfriend Smile is coming at 7 for the build up, and bringing a Wall Chart.

Incidentally, I have ordered a magazine about the Olympics, but it hasn't arrived yet (probably because I only ordered it last night), so if I sound a little uneducated, it's because I haven't done my homework yet.

The WhyNotSmile Guide To The Higgs Boson

Long-term readers will recall that 4 years ago (yes, really) we discussed the Large Hadron Collider.  More recent interlopers may wish to recap: http://why-not-smile.blogspot.co.uk/2008/07/science-and-what-it-might-do-to-us-all.html

So, today they say that the Large Hadron Collider has found the Higgs Boson, and at least one person so far  has asked me to explain this.  So here goes.

First of all, let's get over this ridiculous idea of calling "the God Particle", because it's not God and has nothing to do with God really, except insofar as everything has something to do with God, who either created it all or doesn't exist, depending on your take on things, but let's not get into that here.

The Higgs Boson is very small, which is why it's so hard to find, but it can also explain why other stuff is heavy, which is why they thought of it in the first place.  Think of it as having mice in your house: you may not be able to see them, but then you find poo in a cupboard, and your cereal boxes have been gnawed, and you think "maybe I have mice".  As with mice, so with the Higgs Boson, because it is too small to see, but the Scientists have seen things which suggest it might exist, such as teeth marks on other particles and things.

With mice, you can just get a cat or put traps out or things, but with the Higgs Boson, you have to build a Big Machine and do Experiments, and even then you can't really be sure that you've found a Higgs Boson, but you can be reasonably certain, and this is what has happened.  To be precise,

they ha[ve] attained a confidence level just at the "five-sigma" point

which means it is quite likely to be the Higgs Boson, but also maybe someone sneezed or wrote down the wrong number or something.

Also, although it is referred to as "The" Higgs Boson, this is a little bit misleading, as there are actually lots of them, and not just one, but so far they have only found one of them.  To find more they will have to build a new Big Machine in another place, where a different Higgs Boson lives.

On The Changing of Clocks

So we have, once more, survived the annual rollercoaster that is the Going Forward Of The Clocks.  It is a time of year fraught with tension for WhyNotSmile, because, to be entirely honest, I get very confused by it.  I understand the concept, and I understand why we do it, I just get very confused the next day about where I should turn up and when.

Now, obviously, it is basically simple maths, which I should be good at, what with having a PhD in it and all, but it's one of those things that will not lodge in my brain, along with symmetry and following directions.

To complicate matters further, I often work with people in America, who put their clocks forward 2 weeks before us.  This spells only disaster for any scheduled meetings in the intervening time, so I admit it's something of a relief when we finally catch up.

Anyway, did anyone else think the time change wasn't publicised as much this year?  Normally you can't move for Huw Edwards reminding the nation to put their clocks forward on Saturday night, but this year... nada.  Maybe because we were all distracted by watching The Voice, a show so mundane that we can safely add the time spent watching it to the grand total of hours snatched from our very hands this weekend.


So, anyway, we've made it this far, and we're safe till October.

Back soon, with a summary of the excellent first week of The Apprentice.

The WhyNotSmile Guide To The Superbowl

So apparently this weekend is Superbowl weekend, and this is Quite A Thing, although mostly for Americans.  But, as ever, WhyNotSmile is all about the culture, so I hereby present the official WhyNotSmile Guide to the Superbowl.

Now, the first thing to understand is that, despite its Twitter tag, the Superbowl has nothing whatever to do with superb owls, or any other kind of owls.  Nor does it have anything to do with any type of bowl.  The superbowl is all about football, I think, or maybe baseball.  One of those.  I believe it's the final of some manner of contest which has been happening for the past while, and this year the teams are New York and someone that people from Boston would support (I'm cheering for the latter, because I've been told to).

Anyway, as we all know, everything in America is to do with the presidential election, which this year will happen in November, and one of the aspects of that has been that various candidates have been round all the states trying to convince people to vote for them.  I think these are called either Caucuses or Primaries, but that might not be correct.  So in all the states, they chose who they wanted to win, and now it's between New York's choice, and Boston's choice (or maybe the state that Boston is in, which is hard to spell), and whichever state wins gets to choose the next President.

So, as you can imagine, the Superbowl is Quite Important, and should not be taken lightly.

PS. By the way, thanks for the help with the roofs/rooves thing.  I think we have established that it should always have been rooves, and that when I was in primary school, people lied to me.

2011: A Review

So, 2011. Turned out to be quite the year, here at WhyNotSmile. It started inauspiciously enough, with an extended stay at the parents', due to the Water Crisis in Belfast. Nice and cosy, I was, as I sat there all clean and with full access to basic sanitation, watching the news to see how many people I knew in the queues. Good times.

Rapidly, however, world affairs took over, and it is thus that 2011 will go on record as the year I stopped understanding the news. I've been losing my grip on it for several years now, what with the financial thing that I understood none of, but this year, finally, the Arab Spring tipped me over the edge (I still don't know if 'Spring' refers to the season, or to the sudden rising up of the people in the manner of a tightly-coiled length of pliable metal, or to the refreshment offered by a newfound democracy, such as is found by a lonely wanderer who happens upon a small steam).

Then they promised the end of the world, and when THAT didn't happen, well, there we all were with our empty diaries and no milk in the fridge.

Of course, giving up on international affairs has left me with nothing but my own so-called life. Or, in summary, has left me with nothing.

Sister Smile got engaged in June, and was married just before Christmas, but I'm not allowed to speak of her here. I assume the same goes for Brother-in-law Smile, which is a shame, as he could have been worth having on the radar.

In more interesting developments, however, I am pleased to introduce Boyfriend Smile to my dear readers, and to report that, as I specifically requested, he made the application for a first date in writing, and, as all was correct with the spelling and grammar, I had, of course, to accept. He hasn't written a word since then, probably due to sheer terror.

It was also a year in which various things happened which were utterly tragic, in the actual sense of the word (not in the wearing-a-tweed-jacket-and-thinking-it's-cool sense). A respected, good and gentle friend is in heaven too soon, a family devastated. Other friends stopped work at Christmas, not knowing if they have jobs to return to in the new year; those they work to help don't know if anyone will be there for them in 2012.

And depression has come calling at my door again. I tried not answering, but it freaking leaned on the bell until it was easier to give in, stick the kettle on, and crack open a packet of French Fancies.

Happy new year, y'all.

An Open Letter To Northern Ireland Water

Dear Northern Ireland Water,

I noticed that you seem to be running a radio advert at the moment, in which you take the opportunity to tell us how bad it is to not have water, and to have burst pipes, and all manner of other Water-Related Bad Things which can happen when it gets cold outside.  I assume this is costing you a tidy sum, so I'm sure you will appreciate some feedback on how it's going.

Here's the thing.

We KNOW all about having no water, because last year you fecking left most of us without it for the best part of a week (and in many cases, you allowed the demonstration to go on for even longer).  We therefore KNOW that having no water is a Bad Thing, and that it means you can't flush the toilet or make a cup of tea, because we practiced having no water last year, and we practiced really really hard.

So, I have an idea.  Rather than spending lots of money telling us how bad it is to have no water, how about you spend the money in ensuring that this year we actually do have water?

Just a suggestion.

Thank you kindly,
WhyNotSmile
(who admittedly did not go without water at all last year, due to staying with the parents, who had water throughout, but who nonetheless heard one or two people mentioning the inconvenience on Facebook, and the news, and on the phone and things)

An Offer To Tourists

Now here at WhyNotSmile, we are not Big Fans of corporate greed, bankers getting large bonuses, and capitalism in general (although we admit to having very little understanding of any of them; since our understanding is roughly as much as our influence, this is not a problem). The latest way to demonstrate this angst, is, apparently, to go and camp outside churches, because apparently sometimes stocks and shares are traded in the vicinity, and also because they don't let you camp in actual banks, and also the vicar might make you tea or something.

So, because of this, St Paul's Cathedral has had to close (although there is some debate as to whether it had to close, or just chose to close). Now, I think this is a little unfair, since the people of St Paul's have by all accounts been Quite Nice to the protestors (who have apprently also been Quite Nice) and are not generally Big Fans of corporate greed themselves. On the other hand, they are claiming to be losing £16000 - £20000 per day.

This makes me wonder a little. They charge £14.50 admission at St Paul's. That strikes me as quite a lot, although I imagine they have quite big heating bills and so on so it's probably just about covering the costs of running the place. I don't know.

However, WhyNotSmile has decided to make you all a special offer, if you are a tourist who wanted to visit St Paul's but now cannot. If you come to my church, you can see round for only a tenner, PLUS we will make you tea (I say 'we', I mean whoever's about, which may not be anyone - if it's the caretaker, you should probably slip him a fiver, cos it's not really part of his job to show random tourists around. Also, I haven't actually told anyone in the church about this, so they might look a bit surprised when you arrive).

I think we can offer at least as much as St Paul's, particularly if you have a reasonable imagination. I checked their website to see what they have. Attractions include:

• "Climb the dome" to the "Whispering Gallery". At the back of the church, up the stairs, there's a wee room where we store boxes of random stuff, some books, and an old keyboard. Climb the stairs, go into the wee room, and then discover that if you stand at one side of the room and whisper, people at the other side can hear you (please note: this only really works if you stand against the long wall so you're only whispering across the width of the room).
• "A touchscreen multimedia tour". As long as you bring your iPad so you can browse the photos on the website while you walk around.
• "Explore the crypt". Yeah, ok, we don't have a crypt. We have a bouncy castle though.
• "Travel back in time in an immersive video experience". Viewings of "Ben Hur" on the screen at the front every 2 hours.
• "Treat yourself to afternoon tea". If no one's around, there's a kettle in the kitchen; it takes a while to boil, and you may have to jiggle it a bit, but what do you think this is? Also, I'd bring your own tea bags because all the ones we have are under lock and key in case someone from one of the other organisations nicks them. There's a Co-op across the road though.

Now, admittedly, we don't have a gift shop, but WyseByse across the road is good value and has a wide range of items for all ages.

Also, we're quite nice*.

And we do not have £16,000 per day; indeed, an extra £16,000 per year would be a significant increase in our income. And also, we do all manner of things in the community which are sometimes helpful for the sorts of people who are not bankers or corporate giants and who therefore could make quite good use of part of the £16,000 in ways which would not at all fund the corporate machine.

Advance booking is advised; guide dogs only.

*mostly. Some of us also offer opportunities for you to practice forgiveness.

What I've Been Wondering

Here's a question which has been troubling me.  It's about the census (which we know I'm a big fan of).  Every household has to fill in a form, yes?  Otherwise you get fined £1000 (in theory).  But how do they know whether you've filled in all the people?

Like, what was to stop me from just listing myself and not adding Sister Smile?  I didn't obviously, because that would be Lying On A Form, and I Do Not Do That, out of Principle.  But I could have done that.  Sister Smile would not have cared (she thought the form was voluntary anyway).  Would that mean that as far as the government is concerned, she had vanished?  Would they notice?  What if I had a pet and added them?  I could make up information for them.  Would anyone notice that a new person had appeared?

I think what confuses me is that I have never really understood why the government doesn't know who lives where. I mean, quite a number of government departments send me letters, about things like tax, and my car, and rates.  Any they gave me my birth certificate.  Twice, in fact, because I lost the original one.

I suspect it is all some sort of thing whereby people are not happy with the government knowing this information, because that would involve joining the dots from one agency to another, and that would be very Big Brother and so on.  Anyway, if they did that, I would not have got to fill in the Census form, so I'm not saying I mind.  I'm just saying.

Think Of This As A Tweet

I write to warn you all not to read Virtual Methodist's latest book.  Someone told me that they had heard someone say they'd heard on the grapevine that it is a repository of Heresy and Poor Doctrine(TM) and for this reason I am coming out now to condemn the book, the author, and all who read it.

It does not matter that I have not read this book; I know enough from the two sentences I heard to know that it is not of the Spirit, but is, in fact, a paving stone on the road to hell, and must be condemned by all Right-Thinking(TM) Christians(TM).  One need not allow for context, or the fraily of the grapevine when one comes across such blindingly obvious falsehood; when souls are at stake, knee-jerks are fine.

It does not matter that I am not being Very Nice when I condemn Virtual Methodist to hell for this, because Correct Doctrine is more important than Love. As Jesus famously said,

By this shall all men know that thou art my disciples, if thou hast dottedest all the i's and crossedest all the t's, and thou hast written them in big books and banged other people over the head with them

Nor does it matter that Virtual Methodist hasn't even written a book, because with all this publicity, when he does, it'll go viral, so he won't mind.