Geographical Features

Well, the flash floods which have hit much of the UK have not been apparent in WhyNotSmile's posting rates, which would be more accurately described as 'akin to a famine', and for which I apologise.

However, the good news is that this is all because I am currently sitting under a mountain of work (Heh. Fancy WhyNotSmile thinking like that. Amazing what self-employment does to a mind.). It is unlikely that this mountain will be eroded much in the next couple of weeks, so do not expect the rivers to flow again any time soon.

But I am still alive, and am grateful to those who asked.

Brainstorm

I need you all to help me to think. Here's the thing: I need a job. Or, not necessarily a job, but a way to earn money. But there are criteria. For example:

1. I need to work from home. This is due to being kind of agoraphobic, so if I work in an office I spend all day in a panic and it's not very productive. If I work at home, I am happy and it is extremely productive. I would not mind having to visit an office once in a while, if it was in Belfast. But I would rather not have to do that at all. I also don't mind being out and about a little bit, as long as it does not involve being in a confined space with a person or peoples. But if I could have a job where they sent me instructions and I did what they asked and sent the results back, then that would be good.

2. It needs to be legal and morally sound. So don't suggest I start a brothel.

3. It needs to pay enough for me to have self-respect. I refuse to work for £2.50 per hour, no matter what the recruiters on the freelance sites are saying ("Hey! I need a Facebook clone built, to launch next month! I have a really tight budget (£200), but once I get 100,000 people signed up, I'll give you 1% of the profits"). Even I think I'm worth more than that.

I think these are all the conditions, but I might think of more when I hear your suggestions.

Now, here are my ideas so far:

1. Freelance web design. I already do this. So you could employ me to build you a website. I'm very good. Really.

2. Maths. For instance, suppose you need an equation differentiated. Or you need to know the square root of something. Then I could do it and you could pay me. I admit that this has a limited market, but perhaps it's a start.

3. Selling books. I also already do this. So you could buy some children's books from me.

4. Get put in jail. This is what we call 'thinking outside the box'. It doesn't earn me money, but it's a way of living without having to pay for anything. The agoraphobia might be a problem at first, because I don't like new places, but I think it would be ok once I got used to it. I'm not sure how to get put in jail though; it would need to be for a decent amount of time, otherwise it just leaves me coming back out in 5 years with no improvement in my employment prospects, and I can't think of anything I could get jailed for that's not... well... illegal.

5. Win money. This could work, but it would need to be on a lottery level to make a real difference, and I don't do the lottery. But if you hear of any competitions, please let me know.

6. Sue someone. At the moment I can't think of anyone to sue, but perhaps if I keep my eyes out, there will be a patch of something I could slip on, or a pavement I could trip over.

So these are my ideas at this point. I should also mention that I am a software programmer, and I can make things like blankets, and I'm very nice.

Please leave your suggestions in the comments section.

On whether to sack myself

Now this story raises an interesting dilemma (for those who can't be bothered looking it up, it's the one about the girl who got sacked for saying on Facebook that her job (with, we can only assume, Hyper-sensitive 'R Us) was boring).

I have been known to complain that I was bored in work; I daresay I have mentioned this on Facebook or even on the blog. The question is whether or not I should be sacked for so saying. Fortunately, I am uniquely placed to answer this, since, as a self-employed person, I can see both sides quite fully.

As an employee I do get... uninspired... from time to time; this is mainly because I am fairly uninteresting to work for. If I wish to tell people this, and let off a bit of steam, I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to. It's not as if I'm saying I'm a mass-murderer or anything; I'm just saying that sometimes I'm so uninteresting, I even bore myself.

On the other hand, as my employer, I rather resent the idea of my shortcomings being broadcast all over the web, for anyone to read. For if people find out that even I can't keep me amused, what chance is there that they will seek out my company for their next social event? Next thing you know, I'll be living alone under a rock with only my stuffed animals for friends. And I'll only have myself to blame.

Mind you, that's not a bad description of how things are anyway (other than the rock), so would there really be any harm done? And it could easily be argued I had brought it on myself.

So all in all, I think the best thing to do is take myself to one side, have some quiet words, promise not to do it again, and try to keep Facebook comments to things like 'I am eating crisps'.

Then, having successfully negotiated a peaceful settlement, I shall award myself a pay rise and a day off.

Every Crunch Has A Silver Lining, Part 2: Unemployment has been made easier

We have already seen that the Credit Crunch has brought about the welcome demise of the Office Christmas Party, and we are pleased about that. However, the cloud of the Crunch is positively teeming with linings of silver, and we now turn our attention to one which is particularly pertinent for WhyNotSmile.

You see, the Credit Crunch is rather a good time to be unemployed. This is for various reasons.

Firstly, you're not really expected to have a job in the current economic climate. It's not like a few years ago when you practically had to fight jobs off with big sticks. Nowadays, one is perfectly entitled to be unemployed, and therefore one does not have to add shame to the misery.

Secondly, if you can't afford to live anyway, then what's the point of a job? Every now and then I look at the state of my bank account and think, despairingly, about what I could buy if I had a job (house, food, heating etc). But then I remember that even if I did have a job, I still couldn't afford these things, and at least this way I can be a scourge on society from the comfort of my own sofa.

Thirdly, if I were in work right now, I'd have to listen to people moaning about how they can't afford stuff. I am one of those People That People Moan To. Always have been. Need to complain about something that no one can do anything about? Come to WhyNotSmile! Need a friendly ear when everyone else has told you to clear off? WhyNotSmile will embrace your words, and possibly even make you tea. Frankly, I never get a moment's peace. So, thankfully, I get to spend my days not having to listen to anyone I don't want to listen to.

So what with all of this, this is not a bad time to be unemployed at all; this is not to say that I don't want a job, of course (just in case my parents are reading), just that I don't really think it would make that much difference.

Every Crunch Has A Silver Lining. Part 1: The Demise of the Office Christmas Party

Now here's a thing. Owing to the Credit Crunch, companies have been finding ways to cut back, and some are achieving this by not having Christmas parties this year.

The odd thing is, people seem to think this is bad. There can be only 2 explanations for this:
1. These people have never been to an office Christmas party, or
2. They were so drunk they passed out before it started.

Now, WhyNotSmile is not a big one for parties in any case, but I ask you: is there any worse party than an office Christmas party?

Having successfully avoided work for quite some time, I have only ever experienced 3 working Christmases, and here is how they went:

Year 1: Christmas Party at Cayenne (posh restaurant in Belfast, which I believe has now closed). This wasn't a bad one for an introduction to such things, but it wasn't so great either. Firstly, it was held so early in the year that we ended up going out for Christmas lunch about a month later and it still not being the last day of work before Christmas. Secondly, the service was fairly slow: one of the tables didn't even get dessert (not my table though, so this doesn't really count as a problem). Thirdly, there were the drunken rantings of colleagues which had to be vigorously denied as soon as we all got back to the office. There are some things I simply do not need to know, and where your children were conceived is one of them.

Anyway, that wasn't too bad, especially as I managed not to be at the table with the boss (always the nightmare at these things).

Year 2: Christmas Party at Ten Square (somewhat less posh but still quite nice restaurant in Belfast). On Christmas Eve. With about 3000 other people in a room designed for 100. Of course, because it was so close to Christmas, various people from the office had already begun their journeys home for the holidays, and couldn't make it; we managed to reach that critical mass of party abstainers beyond which everyone else refuses to go because there aren't enough people they like going. Also, lots of people had just left, so the office was down on numbers anyway. In a moment of feeling sorry for the organisers, WhyNotSmile caved in, and so found herself at a cosy table for 2 with The Boss, The Boss' Boyfriend, Nice Manager, Colleague Who Will Do Anything For Free Food, and Colleague Who Is Good Craic And Was Therefore Forced To Come Despite Being So Ill He Could Barely Sit Up. Oh, and some crackers.

So I end up in a corner opposite The Boss and The Boss's Boyfriend, and we're all wearing party hats and she attempts to make conversation while he eats everything that's not nailed down. We tell each other the jokes from the crackers and laugh furiously at them. At the far end (although 'far' is a relative term when you're so close to the person next to you that you can only raise your arms in unison) was Ill Colleague, who looked like he might die any minute. The place was hiving, and they clearly couldn't get rid of us fast enough: the meal started at 6.30 and I was on the bus home by 7.45 (having downed 3 courses plus tea and little chocolate things).

Year 3: didn't go, so can't tell you.

A Helpful Post In Which We Consider How To Keep The Unemployed Occupied

As one who has not 2 days ago sent off her form to apply to be considered by the Daily Mail as a scourge on society, I was interested to hear that the government has come up with a new strategy to 'deal with' people who are on Jobseeker's Allowance and Incapacity Benefit (I've gone for the latter, in case you're wondering) by making them do voluntary work.

I think this is a splendid plan. I already do a little bit of voluntary work, and, while I can't commit to full-time volunteering, it would be nice to have a chance to do a little bit more, meet some new people and get out of the house a bit to somewhere that's not Tesco. It would also give me a chance to try new things, and would look half decent on my CV (which is currently going to have a fair old gap which can only reasonably be explained by admitting I spent it writing this nonsense, or by lying).

But I never trust the Labour government, and am fairly sure they will screw this up as well. Because what will all these people be asked to do? There are only so many walls that need painted, and only so much graffitti that needs scrubbed off. They're hardly likely to train people in anything much (since that would surely attract further Daily Mail wrath, along the lines of "Now Lazy Scroungers Get FREE Lessons: and YOU PAY"); on the other hand, if you match someone up to be doing a job they're already skilled at, then you can't really not pay them if they're going to do it for any length of time. It needs to be reasonably unimportant, in case a big bank or something invests locally and in one recruitment drive you lose all your workers apart from the properly sick ones, and have to put your project on hold for a while. The likes of me will have to have a break for a panic attack every half hour or so, so it can't be anything that needs lengthy concentration. So we need to find jobs with no training needed, not so skilled that anyone would expect to be paid to do them, which are reasonably unimportant, and not requiring concerted effort. And we're talking about a few million people here: we can't all be Prime Minister, even if we take turns. So what does that leave?

Let me make some suggestions:

1. Moving things around. Piles of bricks, for instance, or heaps of sand. This can go on indefinitely, moving things from one corner to another to another to another and back to the first. It requires no skill, no training, and will never be finished. For the ones who work hard, this will lay the foundation for a decent career in local government.

2. Writing for the Daily Mail. One only needs to take the words 'IMMIGRANTS', 'OUTRAGE', 'benefits', 'SCROUNGERS', 'tax' and 'house prices' and shuffle them around with various 'fill in' words like 'the' and 'and' and so on, and add photos. It's not even like The Sun where you have to be able to think of punning headlines.

3. Reality TV Show Contestants. There has to be a limit to the number of people who will willingly do this. There just has to be; the alternative is too frightening. So we will soon need people to be made to volunteer, so that the shows can continue. If there are people left over, they can be in the audience of talk shows.

4. Human Guinea Pigs. No one's that keen to volunteer since that thing that happened in England a few years ago, but they still need people to test drugs on. Perfect for people who are claiming they have a 'bad back': they'll get to lie down the whole time.

5. Building houses. This would actually be quite useful; and any idiot can lay bricks, right? Not that I've ever tried, of course, but I got proper builders in for that sort of thing and look how that finished up. Also, based on that experience, we know that any house building task can occupy as many or as few people as happen to turn up, which is handy when you don't know how many jobless people you are going to have. You could get skilled people in to do electrics and so on, obviously. The country is much in need of houses, so that first time buyers can afford a home, so this would be good for society in general.

6. Write stuff like this. Entertain people in pointless ways. If you get really good, like me, you can be a government adviser.

Jobs I Believe I Could Have A Stab At: #1, Prime Minister

Being unemployed, I am, naturally, turning the occasional thought to how I might earn myself a crust or two some time in the future. I have discovered that I pays to think outside the box and to reconsider careers which I would previously not have thought myself fit for.

Such as being Prime Minister.

I had always made the mistake of thinking that in order to be Prime Minister, and therefore run the country, you needed at least a basic grasp of how to do so. You would need to know about things like Economics and be able to give Convincing Speeches about what you're doing to tackle knife crime. However, it is now clear that you can be Prime Minister (in Britain at least) without having to concern yourself with such weighty matters, and furthermore, if the entire country is about to tip over into a massive recession, you need merely to advise people 'not to waste food'. It is also possible to do this while flying to Japan to dine on truffles and caviar, which is nice.

So I got to thinking about what else I could offer advice on, if I became Prime Minister. The key, it appears, is to make sure that people feel the responsibility they must take for their own lives. Get them to keep track of the pennies, and you can be off with the pounds before they can say 'Credit Crunch'. Give the peasants something to do, and stop them revolting, basically.

Let's say, for instance, that the country was about to be hit by a massive hurricane. Why, I would tell people not to make any plans for tomorrow that depended too heavily on sunshine for success. Perhaps recommend a game of Monopoly with the children, under the dining room table.

Or, imagine there is an outbreak of a superbug in hospitals. I would swiftly recommend that everyone stays inside and tries not to break any limbs or catch any debilitating illnesses.

Or, suppose there was an approaching strike by Petrol Tanker Drivers (at nearly £40,000 a year, the current favourite candidate for Jobs I Believe I Could Have A Stab At: #2, by the way). Well, I would tell people not to panic buy petrol. And they would listen.

Yes, I think I could do this job.

On Being Unemployed

Though I say it myself, if there's one thing in life I'm good at, it's being unemployed. Not that I'm good at ending up unemployed (although I'm not, apparently, lacking in this area either), but that once I find myself out of work, I cope with it all quite well.

I've never understood those people who say they wouldn't know what to do if they didn't have work to go to; I can only assume that they are either (a) joking, (b) insane, or (c) lying, because how is being at work so much more entertaining than being at home? I mean, when you're at home, you actually have, if you want it, the option of pretending to be at work, and pretending to do whatever it is you're supposed to do in work, but you also have other options, such as lying on the sofa, or watching TV, or going bird watching; whereas when you're at work, you only have the option of being at work (and pretending to do whatever it is you're supposed to do in work), and nothing else; therefore being at home clearly has more entertainment potential than being at work. And even more so if being at work is not, in your case, particularly entertaining.

So anyway, it has been lovely weather here in Belfast all week, so I have acquired myself a suntan and half a faceful of freckles (I went for a bike ride on Monday; when I was cycling outward, with the sun on my right, it was misty; when I was cycling homeward, with the sun on my left, it was sunny). Actually Monday's bike ride was not as successful as usual; I planned my route in advance, but completely forgot that it was virtually the same as the route of the Belfast Marathon, which also took place on Monday - the only difference being that my route was going in the opposite direction to that of the marathon, and hence I spent most of my time trying not to spear joggers with my pedals.

I have been very grateful for the public library service in Belfast, which allows me to check emails for free, and to log onto Facebook and read my Wall, but not to play Scramble (which, if I am allowed two things in life to be good at, would be my second thing), and to read the news. It does not, unfortunately, allow me to update my blog, hence the paucity of posting of late. It has also made me think that maybe I want to be a librarian.

Another thing for which I am grateful is the leaving gift I received from work. Owing to the speed with which I left, and to the belief that 'the greatest gift you can give anyone is money', I got the present in cold, hard cash, and have been seeking ways to transform it to something more permanent. To this end, and because everyone was very generous, I am seeking a hi-fi for my new room; I would like it to have the following features:
* DAB Radio, with optional FM/MW tuner in case I can't get DAB in my house
* iPod/MP3 player connection, preferably in some way that doesn't involve a lot of leads training everywhere
* a tape player; I know, but I have lots of tapes and I want to be able to listen to them
* Nice sound
* a life expectancy of at least 35 years.
This combination of features is hard to find within my budget; the tape player is the sticking point, but I don't think it's unreasonable... if anything, I'd like a tape player more than a CD player, because all my CDs are on my iPod, whereas my tapes are still just tapes. But I'm coming round to the fact that I may have to sacrifice the tape player for the sake of the other bits.

I also cut my grass; unfortunately I didn't discover until afterwards that I don't have a rake any more (presumably it was a casualty of the Builders), so there's now a lot of loose grass all ready to blow all over my street if a wind gets up tonight. That's not the sort of thing they take kindly to on our street; also, the grass was about a foot high in places, so there's a good bit of it to go around.

So all in all, the first week of unemployment has been good, and I think if I play my cards right I can get a good few more weeks in before I have to terminate said unemployment with a job.

The Big Announcement

So WhyNotSmile is about to be unemployed (although gainfully so, I hope) owing to my bosses deciding that they can't afford me any more (who can? - but that's the price of celebrity). So this is quite nice, since I didn't really like the job anyway, but on the other hand it did provide a convenient source of free internet access which was frequently abused in order to update the blog, and this will surely be missed.

Of course I will be looking for a new job some time (although not yet), and in case any future potential employers decide to track me down via Facebook and then The Blog, I didn't really abuse free internet access in work in order to update my blog; my company (bless them, lovely people) allowed me to use the internet, within reason, during lunch hours for my own personal purposes. But it's not comedy to say it like that, so I said I abused it. Not that I go around saying things just to be funny; I am, at heart, a genuine, honest and reliable employee, with good interpersonal and communication skills, a self-starter, who works well alone or as part of a team. Don't let the blog put you off.

A strange coincidence?

So we've just been informed that our (January) pay reviews have been done. No word on actual amounts yet, but we were told at the same time that an official complaints procedure has been drawn up for anyone who wants to take issue with them. Ominous.

Types of meetings

After extensive research, I have discovered that meetings in work can be split into 2 types:

Aaaaaaarrrrgghhh

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Thanks for listening.

Yesterday afternoon

So yesterday afternoon work was a pain and I was a bit late leaving and then the traffic was just chaos so by the time I got home it was a lot later than I would've liked, and the plumbers were still there because their car had broken down, but at least they'd been, although there is still no heating, and I had to make them coffee and then run round to get ready for homework club, which I really couldn't be bothered going to, but I went and struggled up the road in driving rain and biting wind, and there was a new student there and he just couldn't get the hang of how to work out what 1 kg of carrots costs when you know what 2 kg of carrots cost, and I couldn't think of any other way to explain it and then I went through it again and suddenly it was like a lightbulb came on and his face brightened up and he knew he'd learned something and then my day felt a lot better and I realised what I love to do.

I'm back

I do apologise, it has been far too long. Not that I have much to tell you, even now.

The big event this week is that I am OFF WORK - woo hoo way hey!!!! Score!!!!!!!!! So happy. No need to drag myself out of bed at 7am (who am I kidding?), fight back that sick and tense feeling, crawl to the bathroom, gulp down breakfast, drive through traffic and be at my desk for 8. No phone calls for me to screw up (answering phones is not one of my greater talents), no emails, no chaos, no clock-watching, no stress, no rising sense of panic as the boss approaches....

So I wonder whether I am really in the right job, and to this end, have been updating my CV and reading books entitled things like 'how to get a job that doesn't make you feel sick every time you think about it'. I'm at that stage of life where I wonder where the last 10 years went and what on earth I'm going to do next. You see, I never really had a career plan that went beyond 'get job for several years, get married, have kids, leave work for 20 years, get job for several years, retire'. Now, this is all well and good, and is still Plan A, but since we are missing one vital component, I'm thinking maybe I should try out Plan B for a while.

So I need to make a Plan B, and this is where we're at right now. So I'm trying to find the perfect job for me. It needs to have the following components:

• Be interesting with lots of fun things to do every day. These may include things which are considered to be actual 'work' as well as things which are not.


• Involve nice, sane people. Nice more important than sane.


• Pay enough money for me to have a mortgage. The necessary amount is rapidly increasing, but last time I checked I think I need to earn about £300000 per year.


• Provide opportunities to meet nice guy. One who is single and lovely.


• Be near my house, or within cycling distance. Or even better, not involve me getting out of bed at all (in a 'working from home using my laptop' sense, not in the sense of any other type of job which can earn you money for staying in bed).


• Involve at most 37.5 hours per week, and at least 23 days off per year. Preferably less hours and more days off though.

So if you hear of anything, please let me know.

Onto Facebook. It used to be all Friends Reunited, but not any more. For today's cool kids, it's a well-established battle between Facebook and Bebo. Now, I am on both. Bebo I like, it is simple and you can draw pictures for other people and I like that. And you can see what celebrities you look like. But, you know, it's for kids. So I should really be investing my time with Facebook - the choice of the grown up, sophisticated technophile. But I'm afraid I just don't understand it, and that scares me. People keep sending me pandas and flowers and ice creams and things, and just the other day, I think Voxo threw a sheep at me. I have no idea how they're doing it. Is this a sign that I'm getting old?

One final thing and then I'll go. The final Harry Potter book. I had a marathon Harry Potter session last week, reading the entire series in one week, leading up to the grand finale on Sunday. I loved it. I cried.

The WhyNotSmile Guide To Driving

Today's day at work can be summed up in the following conversation, had with the boss at 3 o'clock:
Boss: Are you ok?
Me: Er... yes... fine now.
Boss: Ah good. Just wanted to check... I heard your screams from the car park.

Meanwhile, it has come to my attention that The Vatican has issued a set of Ten Commandments for driving. I thought I'd have a go at this myself, since if I ever decide to start my own religion, it is best to have this kind of thing thought through beforehand.

So, here goes; my Ten Commandments for driving:

1. Thou shalt have no other purpose on thy mind before driving. Do not drive while trying to complete other tasks, including (but not limited to) applying make up, practicing yoga moves, and operating heavy machinery.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any attempt to purchase or drive an SUV, Jeep, Landrover or other 4-wheel drive vehicle, unless thou dost live on a farm. If thou dost not own an SUV, thou shalt make life as difficult as possible for those who do, by never letting them out at junctions, so that they shalt realise the error of their ways and get a Ford Fiesta instead.

3. Do not take the speed limit signs in vain; one day, there will be a policeman with a camera there.

4. Remember the bus timetable, and keep it handy; in it thou shalt find one of the best works of fiction ever created by man, and this will keep you entertained while you are parked on the Westlink.

5. Honour the Highway Code, that thy driving days may be long. Please pay particular reference to the section explaining how to use roundabouts, the paragraph that says undertaking is illegal, the bit about how indicators and fog lights are supposed to work and the part about stopping at red lights (Soapbox).

6. Thou shalt not kill anything, except thy speed.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, especially while driving.

8. Thou shalt not steal my car. To help you to not steal it, I have superglued it to the road, fastened it with 7 chains, and coated it with invisibility paint.

9. Thou shalt not bear large objects in thy car without securing them properly - I do not want your new 3-piece suite to squish my car when you take a corner too fast.

10. Though shalt not covet thy neighbour's parking space; especially if I am your neighbour. It's my space, in front of my house, and I want to park there.

I should of course add further laws relating to the proper circumstances for driving in the first place:

* Do not drive anywhere that is less than 2 miles away. You have legs, you can walk. I don't care if it's raining: you're not made of sugar and you won't melt. It will probably be character building. Exceptions can be made only in the following cases: if you are unable to walk; if you have small children; if you have to transport heavy things (in the latter case, however, please refer to Commandment 9 above).

* Do not drive without a licence. If you do, make sure you do it at high speeds, through built-up areas where small children live, while playing loud music - this way the police (who are sitting at red lights stopping the really dangerous drivers like The Soapbox) will not catch you. Of course, you will probably kill someone, and this is a Bad Thing.

* Do not drive if it is possible to use a mode of transport which does not destroy the environment. Examples of such transport include: walking, cycling, teleporting and skateboarding. If none of these is possible, get the bus. If you really must drive, put as many people in the car as possible. The amount of pollution is approximately inversely proportional to the number of people in the car; in fact, once you have 15 people the environmental impact is negligable and above this number you actually improve things because no one can breathe and therefore they are not emitting carbon dioxide, which is a poisonous gas which harms the ozone layer. So you should try to get at least 15 environmentally-aware friends to sit in the back of your car when you drive anywhere.

Drive safely, viewers.

New Responsibilities

So my favourite manager has left work and I have been assigned all kinds of Important Tasks ^TM until we get a new person. Two days ago I got to chair my first ever work meeting. Now, in our office, meetings don't get 'chaired' so much as 'refereed'. The success of a meeting is measured not by what is achieved (since this is usually not a lot, especially if previously-mentioned now-resigned manager is not involved and the boss is) but by amount of blood (the less the better, we're not sado-masochists or anything), entertainment value (who shouted at who, how loudly, for how long, and about what - this can add to or detract from the overall score) and quality of tea.

By all these standards, it was a reasonably good meeting.
No blood was spilled (10 out of 10).
Arguments were of the 'snappy' variety rather than the long drawn-out variety. I should explain here that the boss and her 'boyfriend' (hideous term since they are both in their forties, but 'live-in lover' makes me want to vomit and I can't think of anything else) are 'in charge', and frequently spend meetings shouting at each other while anyone else in attendance takes immense interest in the table top, their shoes, an important doodle etc. Anyway, the shouting was enough to be mildly entertaining, but not enough to be too embarrassing. So we'll give it a 6 out of 10.
I had chamomile tea, which is a mild sedative, which is a good thing when in work meetings, and we shall award it 8 out of 10.

So overall, my first meeting scored 24 out of 30, or 80%. I am quite pleased with this score and shall award myself a prize. I think I may make myself Employee of the Week, an award which I started last week and have so far failed to win.