Friday, 31 August 2007


Dozavtra has been gone for precisely one month and I have my first crisis. There is a spider in the bath, and I kid you just a little, it is the size of a horse. Now, small spiders I can deal with - I just flush them down the plughole. I know that is a terrible way to treat my fellow creatures and I am a horrible person for doing it, but there you have it; they shouldn't be in my bath in the first place.

But this thing, and I'm serious here, is too big to fit down the plughole. Seriously, it's bigger than the taps. It is by far the biggest spider I have ever seen in my life. I don't wish to give too much away, but when I was sitting on the toilet I had half a mind to ask it to look away and give me some privacy, THAT is how big it is.

I have texted everyone I have numbers for in a half mile radius, hoping someone will come and get rid of it, but no joy so far. Mark phoned me back though, and advised me to do the old glass-and-bit-of-cardboard trick, but really, I just can't. I'd have to use a bowl anyway, this beast is so huge, and there is just way too much risk of dropping it on the way down the stairs.

I considered spraying it with something, like furniture polish or Windolene or something, to try to gas it, and then maybe setting fire to it, but I think that's a bit cruel, even by my standards. Plus, it might just get mad if I did that, and I really don't think I want to get it upset.

There is no way I could bring myself to squish it.

Maybe if I made my house really really hot, or really really cold, it would leave. But I don't think it can get out of the bath (I really, really, really hope it can't).

I wondered about putting the plug in the bath and then putting water in, to try to drown it, but there's a chance it can swim, and then what? Besides, I'd have to reach across it to get to the plughole and taps.

So I think the only remaining option is to leave it there until it dies. If anyone has any idea how long that might take, please let me know. I think I'll Google it. I may need alternative accommodation until then. And even then, there's still the dread, what if it just disappears? What if it just isn't there some day? Where will it have gone?

Oh help. Seriously, I am nearly crying. Would it be too embarrassing if I went and got one of my neighbours to get rid of it? I guess I could do that in the morning if it's still there.

If anyone has any suggestions, please phone or text asap, or come round and dispose of it for me. Thanks.


Vox O'Malley said...

Seriously - Vacuum it. Suck the sucker.

whynotsmile said...

I thought of that. But won't it be able to escape from the vacuum cleaner, having feasted joyously upon the bits of skin and other ickiness that lives in there? At least while it's in the bath it can't gain any nourishment or strength.

Currently the plan is to leave it in the bath to starve it out.

linda said...

His twin brother was in my house last wednesday night! I too am not particularly fond of the creatures but managed to pluck up the courage to get him out (otherwise i wouldn't have been able to sleep!) the cardboard and glass thing is a little scary - it's the getting the cardboard and glass off the floor/wall that's the tricky part..let me kow if u need me to come squeal with you! Linda

Anonymous said...

zap the bastard with a kettle full of boiling water. if the hairy corpse is too big to go down the plug hole, at this point bring out the hoover. tried and tested

Sam said...

I too am skilled in the ways of the dyson spider removal method. works a treat