The WhyNotSmile Guide To Driving

Today's day at work can be summed up in the following conversation, had with the boss at 3 o'clock:
Boss: Are you ok?
Me: Er... yes... fine now.
Boss: Ah good. Just wanted to check... I heard your screams from the car park.

Meanwhile, it has come to my attention that The Vatican has issued a set of Ten Commandments for driving. I thought I'd have a go at this myself, since if I ever decide to start my own religion, it is best to have this kind of thing thought through beforehand.

So, here goes; my Ten Commandments for driving:

1. Thou shalt have no other purpose on thy mind before driving. Do not drive while trying to complete other tasks, including (but not limited to) applying make up, practicing yoga moves, and operating heavy machinery.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any attempt to purchase or drive an SUV, Jeep, Landrover or other 4-wheel drive vehicle, unless thou dost live on a farm. If thou dost not own an SUV, thou shalt make life as difficult as possible for those who do, by never letting them out at junctions, so that they shalt realise the error of their ways and get a Ford Fiesta instead.

3. Do not take the speed limit signs in vain; one day, there will be a policeman with a camera there.

4. Remember the bus timetable, and keep it handy; in it thou shalt find one of the best works of fiction ever created by man, and this will keep you entertained while you are parked on the Westlink.

5. Honour the Highway Code, that thy driving days may be long. Please pay particular reference to the section explaining how to use roundabouts, the paragraph that says undertaking is illegal, the bit about how indicators and fog lights are supposed to work and the part about stopping at red lights (Soapbox).

6. Thou shalt not kill anything, except thy speed.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, especially while driving.

8. Thou shalt not steal my car. To help you to not steal it, I have superglued it to the road, fastened it with 7 chains, and coated it with invisibility paint.

9. Thou shalt not bear large objects in thy car without securing them properly - I do not want your new 3-piece suite to squish my car when you take a corner too fast.

10. Though shalt not covet thy neighbour's parking space; especially if I am your neighbour. It's my space, in front of my house, and I want to park there.

I should of course add further laws relating to the proper circumstances for driving in the first place:

* Do not drive anywhere that is less than 2 miles away. You have legs, you can walk. I don't care if it's raining: you're not made of sugar and you won't melt. It will probably be character building. Exceptions can be made only in the following cases: if you are unable to walk; if you have small children; if you have to transport heavy things (in the latter case, however, please refer to Commandment 9 above).

* Do not drive without a licence. If you do, make sure you do it at high speeds, through built-up areas where small children live, while playing loud music - this way the police (who are sitting at red lights stopping the really dangerous drivers like The Soapbox) will not catch you. Of course, you will probably kill someone, and this is a Bad Thing.

* Do not drive if it is possible to use a mode of transport which does not destroy the environment. Examples of such transport include: walking, cycling, teleporting and skateboarding. If none of these is possible, get the bus. If you really must drive, put as many people in the car as possible. The amount of pollution is approximately inversely proportional to the number of people in the car; in fact, once you have 15 people the environmental impact is negligable and above this number you actually improve things because no one can breathe and therefore they are not emitting carbon dioxide, which is a poisonous gas which harms the ozone layer. So you should try to get at least 15 environmentally-aware friends to sit in the back of your car when you drive anywhere.

Drive safely, viewers.