Week 3, and our little friends seem to have had enough. The phone in the Nice Townhouse rings for a good 30 seconds before anyone gets up the inclination to answer it. And when someone does, that someone is Tim. When Tim is the most enthusiastic member of any group, we have reached a significant juncture.
Anyway, they're off to a posh crystal shop, because today they're selling cupcakes.
LordShugah has mixed up the teams again, so that we now have:
Team 1: Tim (he who owns and shears sheep), Kirsty (the wee Scottish one, who gives the impression she could just erupt all over the place some day), Rhys (who, I discovered, is called Rhys Rosser. I sincerely hope his middle name is Rass.) and Hannah (who, despite being a project manager last week, has yet to make any impact on the show whatsoever). Team names are now irrelevant, so, although they are technically called something, we'll refer to this lot as Team Meh, for reasons which we'll come to.
Team 2: Arjun (maths whizz, and kind of snarky; I quite like Arjun), Zoe (DUN-DUN-DUN!), Adam (who is now ill) and Emma (you remember.... no? never mind). Any team featuring Zoe is always Team Zoe, so we'll go with that.
The task is as follows: decide on a theme for cupcakes; order appropriate number of cupcakes, decorations etc.; decorate cupcakes; sell cupcakes.
Team Meh basically can't be bothered. Even choosing a team leader seems beyond them, except that Tim is adamant it won't be him. Eventually they force Rhys into it, on the basis that he used to work in a kitchen. For their cupcake theme, they are equally devoid of ideas, and eventually settle on fashion. Because that's fashionable, or something.
On the other team, there's a bit of passive-aggressive snarking between Zoe and Emma, who try to outdo each other in the 'How much we bake stakes'. Emma: 'I bake a lot'; Zoe: 'I love baking!'; Emma: 'I really love baking'; Zoe: 'I REALLY love baking'; Emma has now said more words in a minute than she has thus far in the series, and the well seems to be dry. Zoe triumphantly seizes the prize, and everyone dislikes her a little bit more. She decides on a theme of hearts, and everyone nods silently, including the viewers at home.
They then go to a Proper Person to learn how to decorate cupcakes, and mostly make a pig's ear out of it, but, y'know, they try.
Next up is the decision about how many cupcakes to order. Arjun and Zoe have teamed up as a 'Brains and Beauty' combo, and beat Emma and Adam (who's gradually getting paler and paler) into submission when the latter suggest ordering 97 jillion cupcakes, which Arjun quickly works out will have to be decorated at the rate of 58 million per second for 20 days, or something. They settle on a more realistic figure, and we then watch Adam spend 5 minutes trying to ice a cupcake.
Over at Team Meh, Rhys is being laughed at by everyone else, which seems slightly unfair, but is partly provoked by his attempts to motivate them all by saying 'We can do it' repeatedly.
Day 2, and it's time to set up stall.
Team Zoe have aquired a giant cupcake costume, which Zoe transforms into the most intimidating baked good ever. By lunchtime, they've sold 9 cupcakes, and are not helped by failing to realise that if you're going to take orders over a walkie-talkie, it might be a idea to have a pen handy to jot things down. Happily, Zoe is now forcing people to buy cupcakes, but unhappily, she hasn't bothered to ask how long it takes to decorate them, meaning they end up with a massive backlog. Quite why Emma and Adam didn't get a wriggle on and do a bit of icing during the morning part remains a mystery. They are also customising the cupcakes for free, which is nice, but not very businessy. They're also not that great at icing the cakes, so you do wonder why on earth anyone's going near them. We get a brief glimpse of Arjun telling a customer off for not specifying their order properly.
Team Meh are taking things more sedately. Kirsty and Rhys are half-heartedly trying to lure passers-by, while Tim and Hannah laugh at Rhys. They eventually set him up as cake-carrier, and laugh at him because he can't carry cakes properly, because of his little tiny arms. They don't offer to help. Rhys is also using 'We're only here for one day!' as his unique selling point, seemingly oblivious to the looks of relief. Finally, they realise they have loads of cupcakes left, and Rhys suggests they 'Sell em'.
And so to the boardroom, where Adam is unexpectedly sent home for being sick. At this point he looks like a walking corpse, and doesn't even bother to protest. Next, we learn that Team Zoe made £15, and Team Meh would have done better if they'd not bothered buying any cupcakes, and just taken themselves out for a nice lunch; they've lost £85.
For reasons unclear, the winners are sent to have tea with Richard Branson, who's all teeth and hair and hi-fives, and grins inanely at Arjun telling him about being dressed as a cupcake. Zoe attempts to make grown-up conversation; Emma is still over her daily word-limit, and can only dance her eyebrows about.
The losers go to the Losers Caff and fight a bit, and then go back to the boardroom, and all gang up on Rhys, who says it wasn't fair because they all ganged up on him. He lets Kirsty go, and drags Tim and Hannah back in to face LordShugah. LordShugah, for reasons unknown, starts into a thing about Hannah's resume, which he pronounces 'ray-zoO-me'. Then he tells Tim he needs to stick his beardy neck out a bit more, and Tim promises he will. Then he fires Rhys, but not before telling him he's a very special person, and he should always remember that. It's like being forced to watch a bad break-up.