I wasn't at all sure what to expect from Junior Apprentice. We have grown well used to the egos and ranting and childishness of the Grown-up version, but is it ok to think that a 16-year-old is an egomaniacal, stuck-up, egotistical prat? Or, to put it another way, aren't pretty much all 16 years olds egomaniacal, stuck-up, egotistical prats? Not the ones I know, of course, but the ones who go on TV. It is hard to see how much Life Experience they've had, and that is the vital ingredient which would turn them into the so-poorly-rounded individuals we love to mock in the adult world of SralinLordShugah.
Mercifully, it seems that egos are born, not bred, and the contestants in Junior Apprentice are at least as good viewing as the ones in The, y'know, Regular Apprentice.
I haven't got to grips with the names so far, but here's what I can remember:
1. Zoe. Zoe is blonde, with funny hair and a big ego. Zoe and I would not have got on at school, AT ALL. Quote of the episode: 'No one wants to do a deal with an ugly person'.
2. Jordan. A chap with a Dublin accent and a big ego. Nicely over-confident; it is clear we'll get viewing pleasure from his eventual downfall.
3. A little guy who looks like he's of Indian descent (am I allowed to say that?), and is proud of loving maths. And has a big ego. And is a senior prefect in school, and so good at it that he even manages to be nice to people he doesn't like, which surely indicates a bright future.
4. A wee lad who can't be more than 12, and looks worried all the time.
5. A scruffy looking chap who owns his own sheep, looks like he can't much be bothered, and is bound to be the cause of a major 'incident' at some point soon, but is currently my favourite to win.
6. Some others. It's possible that one of them is called Kirsty.
Before they do anything else, they are read the riot act by SiralanLordShugah, and banned from having Facebook parties in the house. I think this is mainly so SiralanLordShugah can show how cool he is, knowing about Facebook and parties and all. They run shrieking round the apartment, shouting odd things like 'Dibs dibs dibs!' and other things that English people say.
Anyway, now they have to make up team names and appoint a leader. The girls start with the not-appropriate-on-any-level 'Brotherhood', then pass through 'Enterprize wiv a zed', 'Revolution', 'Synergy' and 'Catalyst' before finally going back to 'Revolution'. After a polite conversation in which they all want to allow someone else to be in charge, and do not want to put themselves forward, Hibah is appointed. She wants to open a plastic surgery clinic (not right now, obviously).
The boys quickly come up wtih 'Instinct', despite young boy saying it sounds like a deodorant. Jordan (wearing a suit which looks like the love child of R2D2 and Mr Sheen) is put in charge, and is looking forward to his treat. *sigh*. We can see where this is going.
So Day 1, and they're flogging cheese. £500 of cheese. The girls spend most of the morning taking the cheese out of boxes and saying things like "there's bloody loads of 'em". Nick looks nervous. The boys just fling it all in the van and head off.
They eventually all get to the markets (after a fashion) and proceed to mostly not sell cheese, due to it being windy, and people not wanting to buy cheese, and them not knowing what type of cheese it is, and various other reasons too numerous to mention, but most of which boil down to them doing stupid things in loud, annoying voices.
Nick, with delightfully restrained understatement, describes Zoe as having 'a commanding presence'. The others are starting to despise her.
With a lot of leftover cheese, both teams fall back on the tried and tested Apprentice fallback of trying to flog it to someone who wants to be on tv. Zoe has the nous to try to sell to someone who sells wine. Which is clever. Because wine and cheese is a good combo. But then she makes the other wee girl cry, so we dislike her even more. Meanwhile, the boys are working their magic on a florist, and, as should be painfully obvious, failing.
And so to the important question: who has made the most money? Back to SiralanLordShugah, who gets a lecture from Zoe on how brilliant she is. A blonde girl seems to have appeared on the girls' team, by the way. Don't know where she came from. The boys talk a bit about wind. The girls have made £143.88, the boys have lost £210.01. The girls go off to a restaurant belonging to some fancy person, who's, like, one of Zoe's favourite chefs. I am reminded that at that age I would never have had a favourite chef.
The boys go to the losers' caff, and Young Guy points out some obvious things, like that it's their fault they didn't sell more cheese. I like Young Guy. Then they go back to SiralanLordShugah, and try to blame Young Boy for making them go to the market they all agreed to go to. Scruffy Boy describes wind as his least favourite weather type, which pleases me, but not so much SiralanLordShugah. They all try too hard to use big words like 'revenue'.
There is much debate when Jordan, Scruff Boy and Young Kiddo are back in the board room. They all look a bit nervous, apart from Kiddo, who looks like he's wetting himself; but eventually Jordan is the one to go. The others say manly things like 'Keep in touch' and 'You'll do well'.
Thankfully, none of this seems to have dented Jordan's ego, and he declares that he'll be bigger than SiralanLordShugah in 5 years' time.
We can only wait.