Annoying Facebook People

CNN have published a list of the 12 most annoying types of Facebookers, and it makes for interesting reading. There is also a quiz to find out which type you are, which informed me that I am a great Facebook user and should carry on regardless.

I admit I get annoyed by The Bad Grammarian: "So sad about Fara Fauset but Im so gladd its friday yippe". I'm sure we all have our fair share of such freinds, and I know that the Internet has more of a 'free and easy' attitude to Spelling, Puctuation and Grammar than I'm ever likely to be entirely comfortable with, but PLEASE learn to communicate your thoughts in a way that does not make me want to storm round to your house with a sledgehammer and a mindful of bad intentions. And while we're at it, do not add 'lol' to the end of every sentence; it conveys no additional meaning and ought only ever to be employed in response to an amusing comment in an IM conversation.

I also get a bit irritated by The Sympathy Baiter: "Barbara is feeling sad today". Just like Barbara was feeling "wiped out" yesterday, "overwhelmed" the day before, and "distraught" only the day before that. But, y'know, I can't hate Barbara that much; at least she can spell.

However, I am almost overcome by my own stomach contents when I come across The Maddening Obscurist: "Dave thought he was immune, but no. No, he is not.", "If not now then when?". Part of the irritation stems from the fact that often these don't even make sense as Facebook status updates: "Tim life is precious, let us all embrace it", for example. But by far the greater part of the irritation is caused by the fact that Facebook is not designed to be a vessel for your trite philosophical thoughts: it may well be true that "deep things are found in the wellstream of life", but when the line above that said "Steve is too pissed to stand up" and the one after says "Alex just sent you three daffodils and a goat in FarmTown", y'know, it loses any slim chance it ever had of registering on my 'interesting things I read today' radar.

What is particularly irritating is that these people are usually the ones who I added as a Facebook friend in order to give the impression that I quite like them, without having to spend any actual time with them or have any sort of meaningful relationship, because they are invariably the type of friend with whom a meaningful relationship involves a lot of late evening discussions (over latte) about the existential, theological and modernist themes of the film you just watched, even when the film was Ice Age 3.

Holy COW an almighty great spider has just run across my bedroom floor

On the other hand, I have to admit to not being too troubled by The Self-Promoter (a category in which I include those who detail every aspect of their offsprings' development); perhaps it is because I go straight from "Hmm, what's this" to "Feck off, I don't care" and bypass the bit where any sort of annoyance registers, or maybe it's because I quite admire people who take every opportunity to bum themselves up, because it makes them look like idiots (the humble talented are far more irritating, because you can't even rightly despise them).

And when it comes to The Let-Me-Tell-You-Every-Detail-of-My-Day Bore ("I'm waking up." "I had Wheaties for breakfast." "I'm bored at work." "I'm stuck in traffic."), I feel something probably best described as affection, because I think it's kind of sweet that they think I care. The idea that these people imagine that I will read that they had a Chinese last night and think "Wow. You serious?" is kind of comforting. The notion that cyberspace is there for the filling. The delusion that they can spout anything they want, and the Internet will be enhanced by it beyond measure. In fact, maybe what I feel for he bores is not affection. Maybe it's kinship.