Monday, 15 June 2009

Things That Really Feck Me Off: #1, Hiccups

To the outside world, I am a placid and tranquil person, who does not get unduly upset over those minor irritants that drive the more manic to drink and drugs.

But this is all a front. Inside, I am a seething mass of anger, ready to explode at the merest provocation and eat the offending parties if they don't move fast. I just hide it well.

Anyway, I thought I would introduce you to some of the things which could potentially provoke such a reaction, just so you know.

Number one on my list: hiccups. Hiccups in general, but more specifically, people who laugh at me when I have hiccups. Some time ago, we charted 'discomfort' vs 'sympathy' for a range of afflictions; had hiccups been added to this chart, they would have been moderate-high on discomfort, and negative for sympathy, because, and I have no idea why this should be, hiccups make people laugh at you.

The first problem with hiccups is that they are really quite sore. You forget this, when you don't have them. They hurt, albeit only a little bit, but repeatedly, and seemingly without end. It's not even the kind of pain that is included in such pithy witicisms as 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger', because hiccups are of no discernable benefit whatsoever. Where pain in the knee, for instance, alerts you to the problem in your knee, hiccups are a sign of nothing except that your body has given up and turned against you.

The second problem is that this makes people laugh at you. Hiccups are funny, as long as they are inhabiting someone else. They also happen over and over and over, so people laugh over and over and over. But you can never sound properly angry when you have hiccups: any threat issued while hiccuping just makes the whole thing even funnier for spectators.

Thirdly, and finally, hiccups strike without warning. It's like that norovirus thing, where the first you know about it is when last night's dinner lands on your lap. Hiccups are no respecter of situations, and can strike in the most solemn of business meetings, funerals or solicitor interviews.

And this is why I hate hiccups.


Wesley Johnston said...

We can make Grace hiccup by lifting her too quickly. I'm sorry to say that we do laugh, because her hiccups are so cute!

I have a theory that every person has a quota of hiccups that they have to hiccup during the course of their life. If you try to stop them at one point then they just come back. Best to grin and bear it.

And I agree, they do hurt.

whynotsmile said...

Poor child... But I agree that baby hiccups are cute!

Anonymous said...

My worst hiccups moment was in GCSE physics class when I got the hiccups and our teacher began walking round the classroom teaching until he was standing just behind me when he banged a ruler really hard on the desk and shouted my name very loudly... i think i lifted about 3 ft off the stool. Cured the hiccups but i giggled hysterically for a long time afterwards with shock.

whynotsmile said...

Ah, GCSE Physics.... I remember those hiccups...