I don't know if you've heard, but Sir Alan Sugar, he of The Apprentice fame (for those bored of The Apprentice, I promise I'll stop going on about it after Sunday. Or Monday. Depending on when I get round to watching it.) has been appointed something or other in the government. Enterprise tsar, I believe. Sir Lord Alan Enterprise Tsar, to be precise. Whatever.
Anyway, this got me to thinking. What with half the government having resigned, why not elect all the Apprentice candidates instead (no, really, bear with me on this)? We know who they are (anyone else ticking boxes at random on the old ballot papers yesterday?), we know what they can do (very little, but it's not like competence is a requirement) and it would get them out of the world of business (surely a good thing).
So let us consider. First, we must establish what all the cabinet positions are. According to Wikipedia, there are lots of them, including things like "Minister for the Olympics", but not, as it happens, "Minister for Employment". Ah, a skewed sense of priority. A good start.
Now, we're not going to be able to fill all the posts, but thankfully it seems (according to Wikipedia) that it is permissible to double-job. I think what we'll do, rather than starting with the posts and appointing people, we'll start with people and see where they'd fit best.
Also, people who went out early on were a bit hard to get to know. Anita, for instance (the sulky looking one who got booted off in episode 1 for spending 200 quid on dusters). Or Rocky (the wee skinny streak of pee who owns a load of pubs). No idea what they'd be capable of. So we'll ignore them; they can divide among themselves all the jobs that are left over at the end.
Here are my suggestions:
Debra: the obvious job is Secretary of State For Defence. If anyone even thinks about invading, she'll eat them. But then, she might also eat them if they hadn't thought of invading, and that's the sort of behaviour that Causes Problems. So to Debra we shall allocate "Leader of the House of Lords", and "Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster" (positions currently occupied by one Rt Hon The Baroness Royall of Blaisdon PC - I've no idea whether these posts have to go together, but we'll assume they do). These titles sound nice and grand, what with having things like "Leader" in them, but, as far as I can tell, serve no practical purpose whatsoever. We must apologise in advance to the people of Lancaster, though.
Mona: something where she can show how not-homophobic she is, and how much she really doesn't mind gay people all that much, and how in fact she thinks maybe it is ok to have a few of them here and there, but mainly there, especially if 'there' is London, Brighton or Manchester, but not so much if 'there' is Kent. This most likely falls under the mantle of "Minister for Women and Equality" (I'm guessing), and I don't think Mona minds women at all, as long as she can be sure that they are really women and not men dressed up or anything.
Lorraine: I think Lorraine and her psychic powers should have the "Secretary of State for Defence" job. She could tell when someone was about to attack us. At all those foreign meetings, those strange foreign chaps would only have to glance in her direction and Lorraine would Know. Also, she has two accents, which is always useful as a disguise.
Ben: no. Just, no.
Philip: I'm sort of torn here, between thinking "Culture, Media and Sport" (due to Pantsman, the crappy Pantsman advert, and the Bum Ball or whatever it was called, respectively) and thinking "Nah. He's a tosser". But then so is Peter Mandleson, and he seems to have successfully retained employment as First Secretary of State Lord President of the Council, Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, and President of The Board of Trade, so maybe Philip could do those? Or maybe we could take Women off Mona (she'll have her hands full with Equality anyway) and give them to Philip instead (figuratively speaking)?
James: Prime Minister. Everyone likes James, and he doesn't do much. He'd be perfect.
Yasmina: Foreign Affairs. Remember how diplomatically she shafted Nooral off the Bum Ball poster in favour of Philip, because Nooral was foreign-looking? But she got away wiv it, see, 'cos she's efnic minorty too.
Anyway, this is what I've come up with so far. Please feel free to add suggestions, using the comments form.
In the meantime I'm off to watch another Apprentice spin-off, this time called something like "Why I Fired Them". You mean other than that (1) they're a bunch of idiots who couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery, and (2) because that's how the programme works and it'd be a bit rubbish if you didn't fire them?