The next day, 00:01am: If golf were an Olympic sport, Rory McIlroy would just have won TeamGB's 66th Gold medal.
11:54pm: I love Take That.
11:50pm: Tearing up a bit at the flame being extinguished. But then Take That come on, and it's glorious, glorious, GLORIOUS!
11:46pm: Enough speeches. People have beds to go to.
11:29pm: Did the Queen sod off to Ibiza after the Opening Ceremony or something?
11:26pm: In every language, Boris Johnston is Boris Johnston.
11:24pm: Was just listening to the Olympic anthem, thinking "There's a reason they only sing this once every four years", when my mum shot me in the foot with a McDonald's Archery Wenlock.
11:22pm: If you haven't seen the GIF of Boris Johnston dancing to the Spice Girls, please treat yourself now: http://i.imgur.com/bKCUN.gif (warning: also contains David Cameron).
11:21pm: Is part of the closing ceremony about making us wish it would all end?
11:20pm: Oh good. Brian May and Jessie J. Said no one, ever.
11:16pm: Oh good. Brian May. Said no one, ever.
11:09pm: My dad normally does a good sarcastic commentary on these things. It's just occurred to me that he hasn't spoken for a good hour now.
11:02pm: My mum just asked "Where did the giant octopus go?" And for a time, we all seriously thought about it.
10:55pm: You know what? Sod it. THE SPICE GIRLS! YAY!!!!!!!
10:54pm: Taxi ballet! This is an official sport, right? Go TeamGB!!
10:45pm: Me: "Jessie J's up next". Mum: "OH, she'll sing that Fireworks song"
10:43pm: Mum: "Is that a big octopus?". Me: "Yes. Yes it is."
10:39pm: Ugh. Russell Brand.
10:30pm: Annie Lennox on a pirate ship. The night is redeemed.
10:27pm: Now a homage to British fashion, which we need never speak of again.
10:26pm: You should feel free to leave comments below, by the way.
10:22pm: Mum: "The Kaiser what?"
10:20pm: George Michael once was enough.
10:08pm: This next bit is entitled "A Symphony of British Music". I may not say much, and I'm leaving the country if Paul Frickin' McCartney turns up.
10:06pm: Now the volunteers get some flowers for being so nice. They better not be presented individually.
10:03pm: I just got hold of a programme: https://twitter.com/rosabelieve/status/234729261955702784/photo/1/large
10:02pm: Uganda's third ever Olympic medal, and their second ever gold. Tearing up a little here. Also hoping they've found the tape of the Ugandan national anthem.
10:00pm: Now, for obscure reasons, we have the medal ceremony for the men's marathon. Not to spoil the surprise, but the Ugandan guy won. He was epic.
9:57pm: Say what you like about the BBC, but those fellas can knock together a montage.
9:53pm: Ooooh, Krypton Factor blocks!
9:50pm: Someone just said "The Prime Minister's given everyone the day off". I kid you not.
9:49pm: Feck. They put all the flags in the wrong place. Moving them now.
9:48pm: Apparently the International Space Station is about to pass over the UK. This is not related to the Olympics. I just thought you might be interested.
9:45pm: More Madness, with the same song. Is this playlist on repeat?
9:44pm: Ah, the Australians. I keep forgetting, they're not actually boycotting; they just really, really suck at sports.
9:40pm: This is fabulous.
9:38pm: Two weeks on, and the French still look like they're at an ex's wedding. They hate us. This could have been in Paris, they're thinking. Nice sarcastic flag-waving, though, madames et monsieurs.
9:34pm: "Ben Ainslie taking it all in, can't quite believe what he's seeing". That because he's seeing paper mache traffic.
9:30pm: Flags! For those watching on NBC: there are other places out there that aren't America, and they've all got their own flags, and right now they're bringing them into the stadium. I realise you're probably watching an interview with Ryan Lochte right now.
9:28pm: Uh-oh. Emeli Sande singing "We're all wonderful people" with a montage of people doing awesome sporty things. There may be tears.
9:27pm: We're fair getting our money's worth from Emeli Sande.
9:24pm: Holidays are comin', holidays are comin'...
9:22pm: They need some serious auto-tune here.
9:21pm: Just to clarify: we're back to being cynical, right? Because it's been a good fortnight, and also, THIS is happening.
9:20pm: The Wheels on the Bus! We don't do it like THIS in Tots! We should totally start, though!
9:17pm: This is a little bit like "GB Display on Tour", but Quite Good all the same.
9:15pm: My mum just said "Who's that?" "One Direction". "Aye, they're ok".
9:15pm: My mum just said "I mean, the Pet Shop Boys were never brilliant". This sums up many things.
9:13pm: And now... the Ku Klux Klan? On bikes? Really? If you're missing this in America, it's as mental as the Opening Ceremony.
9:09pm: Oh, here we go. Music. Madness again. That's twice this year.
9:06pm: Paper mache lollipop ladies. Nice touch. And back to announcements in French, and Prince Harry has arrived. Where's the Queen? WHERE'S THE QUEEN?! Oh, Prince Harry's growing a moustache. Is the Queen arriving with James Bond again, or could she not be bothered to turn up?
9:04pm: Someone my mother just refered to as "yer man" is doing the Kenneth Branagh / Shakespeare thing from the Opening Ceremony. Oh, Timothy Spalding as Winston Churchill reciting from the Tempest. Now some paper mache traffic.
9:03: Oooooh, Stomp! I love Stomp.
9:01: We're sitting through the slowest countdown in the world EVER. Oh, but Emili Sande's back. Or, if you're in American, Emili Sande's here. Performing on what seems to be a huge paper mache crocodile.
9pm: So, apparently we have options for this ceremony... we can press the red button to nuke Trevor Nelson, or something else to watch in 3D. I'm not doing either of those things. There is also a warning about strobe lighting and flashing lights, but not about the Spice Girls or Paul McCartney, so hopefully THOSE aren't happening.
Ok, here we go. The idea is the same as last time: I shall dispense thoughts here, and you shall keep refreshing the page to read them. But I might give up and go to bed half way through.