Monday, 16 April 2012

The Apprentice 2012: Week 3

So this week we managed to find yet one more thing that the apprentices are useless at, as they were tasked to create new 'condiments'.  That's, like, chutneys and pickles and sauces and stuff, for those who don't like to ask.  There are a LOT of puns you can make here, about them being 'in a pickle' and so on, but I'm going to ignore them because I hate them.  Now, since two of the girls have been chucked, it's time for a Team Shuffle. After a quick history lesson at the docks, Shugagh moves Katie to Team Phoenix, and Nick and Duane get stuffed into Team Sterling.

Adam is a smug git, and greets Katie with "Welcome to Team Phoenix.  We do fings different here, like winning".  On Sterling, Duane wants to be project manager, and so does Gabrielle.  They vote for Duane, and Gabrielle goes off in a mutinous sulk.  Mature.  Katie volunteers to lead Pheonix, and Adam asks if she'd be ok, because "it's quite tricky".  If looks could kill, this would've been the Best Episode Ever.

The boys & Katie decide to make 'sumink mediterranean'; while over with Sterling it's all 'put your hand up and we'll have a polite discussion'.  Apart from Joysuck Jane, who starts reeling off statistics about how much fat is in various random grocery items.  They decide to make some kind of chilli chutney stuff; I miss the exact details.  They have to come up with names for these products.  Phoenix go with "Belissimo", because it might be Italian for something positive; Sterling call their chutney 'Infusion', because that's the sort of thing they do on The Apprentice.

Ricky Martin (can we all please stop laughing at his name, please? It wasn't funny the first time, and it's not getting any funnier the more you say it) is in charge of production of Belissimo; Joysuck Jane is crunching numbers badly over in the chutney factory.  She has a small fit every time anyone asks her to be more specific than "add some chillis at some point".

Katie, Stephen and Micheal are annoying a designer, and trying to create a label for Belisimo.  They come up with something that looks from a travel brochure from the 70s, and then scrap that and just stick a giant red pepper on the front.  Not that the sauce has much in the way of peppers in it, but at least it's not a sunset.

In the factory, the girls have come up with a concoction that could choke a horse.  Or, at least, Duane, who looks a bit like Donkey from Shrek.  While he gasps in the corner, the rest of them realise there's no way they can send it off to the taste test.  So that's unfortunate.  Ricky Martin & co, meanwhile, not only have bottles of stuff, they also have labels, and are All Prepared.  Apart from forgetting the recipe half way thorough one of the batches, and making something that has the consistency of a muddy puddle.  They can't work out what they forgot to put in, so they have to chuck it down the sink.

Each team has to go to a taste test meeting thing, where they take a sample of their product to some shop people and try to convince them to stock it.  So for Team Sterling, who have yet to produce anything you could let lose in a public space, it's a bit embarrassing.  Even more embarrassing than Team Phoenix's meeting, where the retailer points out that they've spelt "Bellissimo" wrong.  Heh.  Heh heh heh heh heh.  How I laughed.

Back at the factory, Sterling have produced something that looks like orange juice, and are busy pouring it into jars.  Phoenix have a sauce which is the consistency of cement, and are trying to pour it into jars, while really throwing it all over the place. It looks like a massacre has taken place.  Eventually they realise they need to make it more runny, so they put some water in.  Genius.

Since they've only made about 3 bottles, they need to up the price to cover costs.  They're going to have to charge about £8.50 for a bottle of sloppy ketchup in a jar.  Each team splits into 2 - half to flog to the public, and half to flog to shops and stuff.  Phoenix appoint Michael in charge of the shops sub-team, and give them about 2 bottles to sell, because they realise that shops know what they're talking about and they'll never buy the guff they're selling them.  The public, on the other hand, see a crowd of tv cameras, a shower of idiots, and Karrrrrren and Nick, and apparently they'll buy anything.

Back in the boardroom, and Adam goes on about how good he was at making sauce.  Smug wee git.  My good friend Nick describes Infusion Mark 1 as "a dangerous and poisonous concoction" and says that "to be in the same room was to be in danger".  I love Nick.  They go through the taste test debacle, and Team Phoenix look smug.

Anyway, long story short, Sterling have won, and go to a race course.  This is a glorious thing, simply for the chance to see Joysuck Jane driving a GTS, lips pursed and brow furrowed, as if she's in charge of a milk float.

In Cafe Doom, there is a question mark over production, and how they didn't manage to produce half of what the other team made.  Adam points out that it doesn't matter, because they didn't even sell what they made, so if they'd made more then they wouldn't have sold that anyway, and na-na-na-na-na it's not his fault.  Idiot.  Ricky opines that "All the good stuff that happened was down to me, and all the bad stuff was down to the other guys".  Well, that helps.

Back to the boardroom, and it is generally agreed that the main problem was that they didn't make enough stuff, so they had to up the price to cover costs.  Which is actually quite a good analysis, for once.  There's a brief attempt to pin it all on Stephen because of the spelling mistake, but they soon get bored of him and turn on Michael instead, because he didn't really do anything much apart from sitting there with his big ears, grinning.  Anyway, Katie brings Michael and Ricky back in.  Ricky tries to do a Jedi Jim and talk himself out of it, but he's rubbish at it.  I don't like Ricky much.

So, another long story short, and Michael gets fired for not doing anything.

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