It is a rare thing when I watch the Apprentice and they end up doing a much better job than I think I would have done, but such was this week's episode. The contestants were (for unexplained reasons) taken to some David Beckham aircraft hanger and told they were going to sell art.
Tim (beardy sheep-shearer, earlier seen straightening his hair, and yes, you read that corerctly) had previously committed to leading a team, so he's in charge of Kirsty (the wee Scottish one) and Hannah (the one we love to be ambivalent about). At one point there is a delightful shot of the girls each making the other look totally out of proportion. Emma (16, sells eggs and sweets) is put in charge of the other two - Arjun (FTW) and Zoe (Dun Dun DUNNNNNNNNNN). The task is basically to visit some artists, choose the two they like the best, and put on an exhibition of their paintings, with the aim of selling them.
The teams' approaches could not be more different. Tim declares himself not that into the whole 'arty-farty' world, and Kirsty and Hannah are equally uninspired. On the other hand, Zoe is, like, a total expert, because her parents are artists and she knows all about art and oh, how did she not end up team leader on this one because she would be so awesome?! During the course of the show, her parents, in fact, evolve - starting as art teachers, they first turn into artists and then top artists, all in the space of several hours; this information is used to stamp Emma, the artists and the prospective buyers into the ground at every opportunity, and also at some points which were not opportunities until Zoe got hold of them and beat them into submission.
Anyway, they have to see 6 artists each, so both teams split up. Tim and Hannah go off together, with Tim doing the talking and Hannah writing things down. Kirsty is packed off on her own, and manages to offend the artists by going in and saying 'AreTheseThemThey'reNiceTheseOnesTooOKHowMuchAndCanWeNegotiate' and then walking out again. However, she does see a lady whose 'art' involves her going to people's houses, dressing up as them, and having her photo taken.
Zoe is also on her own, and is saying all the right sorts of words to artists, apart from talking about price, and we are treated to a brilliant moment when she has shmoozed all over one of them and then, as she leaves, remembers she was supposed to ask about whether the prices are negotiable, and has to turn and go back.
Presumably Arjun and Emma are also seeing artists, but we see little of this.
They each have to narrow it down to 2 artists, and Team Emma choose the bloke who makes things out of bendy lights and mirrors, and the guy who does urban prints which are nice and cheap.
Team Tim also chose the urban prints guy, but the urban prints guy chose Zoe, so they ended up with a photographer and some mad canvases which resembled something you might end up with if you let the kids loose with paints and a white living room wall.
They then press-gang some people into coming along to their exhibitions, which will happen tomorrow.
So, the day of the exhibitions, and the bendy lights guy tells Zoe she has displayed one of his 'items' the wrong way. 'It should be landscape!' he declares, with a roll of the eyes, before storming off. Not so much of a problem with Tim's lot, as they have barely got the stuff out of the vans, and one of the artists is having to price pictures as the crowds start to arrive.
Hannah is keen to mingle, and to share her knowledge 'Yeah. Blue's like my favourite colour too'. Kirsty sort of hovers around, and, to be charitable, at least avoids getting in anyone's way. Tim is chatting everyone up, and clothes himself in glory by selling £1000 of photos with 5 seconds to go.
Over on Team Zoe, every opportunity for conversation between any two people is being interrupted by the Lipstick herself, in case they didn't already know how expert she was.
Not surprisingly, in the board room, Arjun and Emma turn on Zoe, who rolls her eyes and clearly resents having to be on a team with anyone else, never mind these two specimens of ignorance. Thankfully, they've won anyway, so yay! and they're off to get suits made by some tailor guy. Arjun and Emma set off in front, with Zoe trailing behind. Whether this is because she is not speaking to them, or because there's only so fast you can go when you're pouting, flicking your hair about and shooting sidelong glares at the people in front, we cannot tell.
Team Tim retreat to the losers' cafe to argue. At this point it is important to observe that Kirsty seems to have a special invincibility shield. She has won only 1 task, and yet has hardly been in the boardroom, and has got off scot free every time. And let's face it, it's not because she's that great at the tasks.
So anyway, back to Lord Shugah, and they all get hauled over the coals. Tim is blamed for Kirsty's appalling artist-shmoozing technique (see, invincibility again); Kirsty reminds Lord Shugah that she has lost loads of tasks but has never been fired yet (and again), and then Hannah gets fired for being too smart.
Next week they're off to foreign parts, and Tim falls over something.