Having failed, yet again, to find any reason whatever to celebrate Valentine's Day this year, I have decided to fall back on the next best thing: spoiling it for everyone else. My logic is thus: I need to take care of myself and do things I like, and misery loves company.
I have figured out how best to ensure that I set up Valentine's Day in such a way that I cannot lose, and instead make everyone else feel bad.
For those who display their cards, chocolates, flowers etc all over Facebook, I can be cross with them for rubbing my nose in it and kicking me when I'm down. They are insensitive and lack compassion.
For those who do not make a Big Thing out of Valentine's Day, but instead keep it low key, for fear of offending their single friends, they are patronising and childish. Imagine assuming I'm so fragile that I cannot cope with seeing their insipid displays of what-they-call affection! Ha! Do they not know I'm bigger than that?
I'm pleased with myself for managing to achieve the Moral High Ground in all situations. Now, if anyone needs me, I'll be sitting in a pile of self-pity, sobbing and eating chocolate.