Well, it's been 5 days since I posted here, so I thought I should say hello, but other than that, I don't really have much to say for myself.
The Soapbox has me all in a frenzy about the church's attitude to single people, but I haven't got my thoughts into a coherent state yet, so if I did post them they'd look like this:
asugyasdhgow h t'asdngasryh[anfga !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rgoOUSADFBETOUHAOERNHA;OUHNRsuhnwaoeuhnanh grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
and not make much sense.
So we'll wait for that one.
I also almost, but not quite, have some thoughts on Rob Bell's DVD on Rhythm, which we watched in church last night, but again these thoughts are not coherent, and so far look like this:
. - - . % && £ & "$^% ;':@ @~~~~
which is a little more graceful, but still not likely to be the most profound thing you come across today.
Let's face it; you have better things to do.
Monday, 25 June 2007
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
The WhyNotSmile Guide To Driving
Today's day at work can be summed up in the following conversation, had with the boss at 3 o'clock:
Boss: Are you ok?
Me: Er... yes... fine now.
Boss: Ah good. Just wanted to check... I heard your screams from the car park.
Meanwhile, it has come to my attention that The Vatican has issued a set of Ten Commandments for driving. I thought I'd have a go at this myself, since if I ever decide to start my own religion, it is best to have this kind of thing thought through beforehand.
So, here goes; my Ten Commandments for driving:
1. Thou shalt have no other purpose on thy mind before driving. Do not drive while trying to complete other tasks, including (but not limited to) applying make up, practicing yoga moves, and operating heavy machinery.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any attempt to purchase or drive an SUV, Jeep, Landrover or other 4-wheel drive vehicle, unless thou dost live on a farm. If thou dost not own an SUV, thou shalt make life as difficult as possible for those who do, by never letting them out at junctions, so that they shalt realise the error of their ways and get a Ford Fiesta instead.
3. Do not take the speed limit signs in vain; one day, there will be a policeman with a camera there.
4. Remember the bus timetable, and keep it handy; in it thou shalt find one of the best works of fiction ever created by man, and this will keep you entertained while you are parked on the Westlink.
5. Honour the Highway Code, that thy driving days may be long. Please pay particular reference to the section explaining how to use roundabouts, the paragraph that says undertaking is illegal, the bit about how indicators and fog lights are supposed to work and the part about stopping at red lights (Soapbox).
6. Thou shalt not kill anything, except thy speed.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, especially while driving.
8. Thou shalt not steal my car. To help you to not steal it, I have superglued it to the road, fastened it with 7 chains, and coated it with invisibility paint.
9. Thou shalt not bear large objects in thy car without securing them properly - I do not want your new 3-piece suite to squish my car when you take a corner too fast.
10. Though shalt not covet thy neighbour's parking space; especially if I am your neighbour. It's my space, in front of my house, and I want to park there.
I should of course add further laws relating to the proper circumstances for driving in the first place:
* Do not drive anywhere that is less than 2 miles away. You have legs, you can walk. I don't care if it's raining: you're not made of sugar and you won't melt. It will probably be character building. Exceptions can be made only in the following cases: if you are unable to walk; if you have small children; if you have to transport heavy things (in the latter case, however, please refer to Commandment 9 above).
* Do not drive without a licence. If you do, make sure you do it at high speeds, through built-up areas where small children live, while playing loud music - this way the police (who are sitting at red lights stopping the really dangerous drivers like The Soapbox) will not catch you. Of course, you will probably kill someone, and this is a Bad Thing.
* Do not drive if it is possible to use a mode of transport which does not destroy the environment. Examples of such transport include: walking, cycling, teleporting and skateboarding. If none of these is possible, get the bus. If you really must drive, put as many people in the car as possible. The amount of pollution is approximately inversely proportional to the number of people in the car; in fact, once you have 15 people the environmental impact is negligable and above this number you actually improve things because no one can breathe and therefore they are not emitting carbon dioxide, which is a poisonous gas which harms the ozone layer. So you should try to get at least 15 environmentally-aware friends to sit in the back of your car when you drive anywhere.
Drive safely, viewers.
Boss: Are you ok?
Me: Er... yes... fine now.
Boss: Ah good. Just wanted to check... I heard your screams from the car park.
Meanwhile, it has come to my attention that The Vatican has issued a set of Ten Commandments for driving. I thought I'd have a go at this myself, since if I ever decide to start my own religion, it is best to have this kind of thing thought through beforehand.
So, here goes; my Ten Commandments for driving:
1. Thou shalt have no other purpose on thy mind before driving. Do not drive while trying to complete other tasks, including (but not limited to) applying make up, practicing yoga moves, and operating heavy machinery.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any attempt to purchase or drive an SUV, Jeep, Landrover or other 4-wheel drive vehicle, unless thou dost live on a farm. If thou dost not own an SUV, thou shalt make life as difficult as possible for those who do, by never letting them out at junctions, so that they shalt realise the error of their ways and get a Ford Fiesta instead.
3. Do not take the speed limit signs in vain; one day, there will be a policeman with a camera there.
4. Remember the bus timetable, and keep it handy; in it thou shalt find one of the best works of fiction ever created by man, and this will keep you entertained while you are parked on the Westlink.
5. Honour the Highway Code, that thy driving days may be long. Please pay particular reference to the section explaining how to use roundabouts, the paragraph that says undertaking is illegal, the bit about how indicators and fog lights are supposed to work and the part about stopping at red lights (Soapbox).
6. Thou shalt not kill anything, except thy speed.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery, especially while driving.
8. Thou shalt not steal my car. To help you to not steal it, I have superglued it to the road, fastened it with 7 chains, and coated it with invisibility paint.
9. Thou shalt not bear large objects in thy car without securing them properly - I do not want your new 3-piece suite to squish my car when you take a corner too fast.
10. Though shalt not covet thy neighbour's parking space; especially if I am your neighbour. It's my space, in front of my house, and I want to park there.
I should of course add further laws relating to the proper circumstances for driving in the first place:
* Do not drive anywhere that is less than 2 miles away. You have legs, you can walk. I don't care if it's raining: you're not made of sugar and you won't melt. It will probably be character building. Exceptions can be made only in the following cases: if you are unable to walk; if you have small children; if you have to transport heavy things (in the latter case, however, please refer to Commandment 9 above).
* Do not drive without a licence. If you do, make sure you do it at high speeds, through built-up areas where small children live, while playing loud music - this way the police (who are sitting at red lights stopping the really dangerous drivers like The Soapbox) will not catch you. Of course, you will probably kill someone, and this is a Bad Thing.
* Do not drive if it is possible to use a mode of transport which does not destroy the environment. Examples of such transport include: walking, cycling, teleporting and skateboarding. If none of these is possible, get the bus. If you really must drive, put as many people in the car as possible. The amount of pollution is approximately inversely proportional to the number of people in the car; in fact, once you have 15 people the environmental impact is negligable and above this number you actually improve things because no one can breathe and therefore they are not emitting carbon dioxide, which is a poisonous gas which harms the ozone layer. So you should try to get at least 15 environmentally-aware friends to sit in the back of your car when you drive anywhere.
Drive safely, viewers.
Funniness
Some of you will be familiar with the 'Celebrity lookalikes' widget on Bebo, whereby you submit a photo of yourself and it scans your face and tells you who you look like. I submitted a photo of my friend Barbara, and it said she looked like Nigel Mansell, Rob Lowe, Oliver Stone and Paul McCartney. Since Barbara is both female and a rubber band ball, this somewhat diminished my respect for computers.
Disclaimer: I should explain that in the above post, I used the word 'friend' to lull you into a false sense of security so that I could later reveal, with perfect comedy timing, that Barbara was a rubber band ball. It wouldn't have worked if I'd told you from the start that she was a rubber band ball, so I put 'friend' instead. Be assured that my life is not so bad that I have started making friends from office stationery.
Anyway, Zoomtard has found this, which is a very funny rip-off of a Lidl catalogue.
Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I should explain that in the above post, I used the word 'friend' to lull you into a false sense of security so that I could later reveal, with perfect comedy timing, that Barbara was a rubber band ball. It wouldn't have worked if I'd told you from the start that she was a rubber band ball, so I put 'friend' instead. Be assured that my life is not so bad that I have started making friends from office stationery.
Anyway, Zoomtard has found this, which is a very funny rip-off of a Lidl catalogue.
Enjoy.
Monday, 18 June 2007
Happy Birthday To Me
So Everyone's Favourite SmileTM is officially a year older. Thanks to everyone who sent text messages, Bebo comments and Facebook... thingies. I had a lovely day; went to mum and dad's for a birthday/Father's Day barbecue, and enjoyed one of the warmest, sunniest days we've had so far this year.
Dozavtra claims she had an even better day than Smile, due to getting a boat trip round the bay (I declined this time round).
A 'guess Sharon's age' competition was narrowly avoided in church last night.
Then today I had a birthday picnic, courtesy of Alex, who made fine sandwiches and brought lots of chocolate and sweets. I have overdosed slightly on Flying Saucers (those little sugary/cardboardy things with sherbert inside).
So all in all, a very nice birthday. Photos will be on Bebo soon.
For those who are wondering, we're still waiting for the kitchen man to phone back - you will, of course, be the first to know.
Dozavtra claims she had an even better day than Smile, due to getting a boat trip round the bay (I declined this time round).
A 'guess Sharon's age' competition was narrowly avoided in church last night.
Then today I had a birthday picnic, courtesy of Alex, who made fine sandwiches and brought lots of chocolate and sweets. I have overdosed slightly on Flying Saucers (those little sugary/cardboardy things with sherbert inside).
So all in all, a very nice birthday. Photos will be on Bebo soon.
For those who are wondering, we're still waiting for the kitchen man to phone back - you will, of course, be the first to know.
Saturday, 16 June 2007
Life's Great Tapestry
So, in the absence of Dozavtra I have been doing a lot of DVD watching lately (this being the only form of moving pictures available to you when you have neither a t.v. nor much of an inclination to look in mirrors). And since I only own 4 DVDs, of which one is Shrek 2 and 3 are The Lord of the Rings, I've been re-watching The Lord of the Rings. That last sentence had a lot of numbers. I apologise. They were all small though.
Whether it be the film or the book, the epic tale of Frodo and the Fellowship carries me away every time - to the great myths and legends of primary school 'history' lessons, the wonder of longed-for and still-to-come adventure as I grew into teenage years and the pain of trying to discover my place in the great 'tapestry of life' as an adult.
It seems to me that we all want to be part of that great tapestry; more than that, we all see that we have no choice. We all have stories, be they grand or unimpressive, which weave together with the lives of those we meet on the journey and slowly, surely, form a bigger picture - a main character here, an irrelevant detail there, or a thread almost unnoticed and yet essential in the background.
So often I long to be a character in the big picture, to be seen, to be significant - even to be that for one other person, who will look back and say that I mattered. And yet, we live life unable to see what the picture will be. We cannot tell from this side of eternity where we will fit. When we see the full work of art, my little thread of life may be the spear in the hand of a great warrior, or the stalk of an apple in a basket lying half-hidden behind a tree. But whatever my part in this skilfully woven picture, it is there precisely because it is part of the picture; precisely because the artist wanted to put it there; precisely because the picture would not have been complete without it.
For the record, I hope that I turn out to be that little thread which you don't really see, but which puts a little twinkle into someone's eye, or the turn of a smile to someone's mouth, or the hint of mischief in the face of the child who's eyeing up the basket of apples...
Whether it be the film or the book, the epic tale of Frodo and the Fellowship carries me away every time - to the great myths and legends of primary school 'history' lessons, the wonder of longed-for and still-to-come adventure as I grew into teenage years and the pain of trying to discover my place in the great 'tapestry of life' as an adult.
It seems to me that we all want to be part of that great tapestry; more than that, we all see that we have no choice. We all have stories, be they grand or unimpressive, which weave together with the lives of those we meet on the journey and slowly, surely, form a bigger picture - a main character here, an irrelevant detail there, or a thread almost unnoticed and yet essential in the background.
So often I long to be a character in the big picture, to be seen, to be significant - even to be that for one other person, who will look back and say that I mattered. And yet, we live life unable to see what the picture will be. We cannot tell from this side of eternity where we will fit. When we see the full work of art, my little thread of life may be the spear in the hand of a great warrior, or the stalk of an apple in a basket lying half-hidden behind a tree. But whatever my part in this skilfully woven picture, it is there precisely because it is part of the picture; precisely because the artist wanted to put it there; precisely because the picture would not have been complete without it.
For the record, I hope that I turn out to be that little thread which you don't really see, but which puts a little twinkle into someone's eye, or the turn of a smile to someone's mouth, or the hint of mischief in the face of the child who's eyeing up the basket of apples...
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