Wednesday 30 September 2009


I need you all to help me to think. Here's the thing: I need a job. Or, not necessarily a job, but a way to earn money. But there are criteria. For example:

1. I need to work from home. This is due to being kind of agoraphobic, so if I work in an office I spend all day in a panic and it's not very productive. If I work at home, I am happy and it is extremely productive. I would not mind having to visit an office once in a while, if it was in Belfast. But I would rather not have to do that at all. I also don't mind being out and about a little bit, as long as it does not involve being in a confined space with a person or peoples. But if I could have a job where they sent me instructions and I did what they asked and sent the results back, then that would be good.

2. It needs to be legal and morally sound. So don't suggest I start a brothel.

3. It needs to pay enough for me to have self-respect. I refuse to work for £2.50 per hour, no matter what the recruiters on the freelance sites are saying ("Hey! I need a Facebook clone built, to launch next month! I have a really tight budget (£200), but once I get 100,000 people signed up, I'll give you 1% of the profits"). Even I think I'm worth more than that.

I think these are all the conditions, but I might think of more when I hear your suggestions.

Now, here are my ideas so far:

1. Freelance web design. I already do this. So you could employ me to build you a website. I'm very good. Really.

2. Maths. For instance, suppose you need an equation differentiated. Or you need to know the square root of something. Then I could do it and you could pay me. I admit that this has a limited market, but perhaps it's a start.

3. Selling books. I also already do this. So you could buy some children's books from me.

4. Get put in jail. This is what we call 'thinking outside the box'. It doesn't earn me money, but it's a way of living without having to pay for anything. The agoraphobia might be a problem at first, because I don't like new places, but I think it would be ok once I got used to it. I'm not sure how to get put in jail though; it would need to be for a decent amount of time, otherwise it just leaves me coming back out in 5 years with no improvement in my employment prospects, and I can't think of anything I could get jailed for that's not... well... illegal.

5. Win money. This could work, but it would need to be on a lottery level to make a real difference, and I don't do the lottery. But if you hear of any competitions, please let me know.

6. Sue someone. At the moment I can't think of anyone to sue, but perhaps if I keep my eyes out, there will be a patch of something I could slip on, or a pavement I could trip over.

So these are my ideas at this point. I should also mention that I am a software programmer, and I can make things like blankets, and I'm very nice.

Please leave your suggestions in the comments section.


Alan in Belfast (Alan Meban) said...

Could you write? Novels?

Anonymous said...

make children's duvets perhaps.. In car themes.. Maybe..

ScatterCode said...

Hmmm... an interesting suggestion...