I have a love-hate relationship with the advertising task. On the one hand, it's the task that gave us Pants Man and Octi-Clean, and it has to be respected for that. On the other hand, though, it's probably the most insanely pointless of all the tasks they do. If, after all, there was a genuine market for some new kind of pet food, and no one has noticed it by now, what's to make us believe that this shower of loons will discover it in the course of an hour long brainstorming session? For that is this week's task, as we learn after another listen to Lord Shugagh and his 'you have to have the balls to smell the opportunity' (or whatever it is he says), another view of Tom's blue and pink pants (does he only have one pair, or does he have lots of pairs all the same?), and a shot of Glenn saying "This is gonna be creative, this is my kind of thing" *sigh* It's like they haven't even read last week's WhyNotSmile review, these people.
Vincent is put in charge of Logic (Ellie, Natasher, Jim, Lovely Tom and Melody), and Glenn in charge of Venture (Leon, Helen, Scary Edna, Zoe and Susan). Ellie has a dog, so she's the team expert, with Lovely Tom as deputy because his parents used to have a dog. Vincent wants to call their dog food 'Pal', which is so good it's already been done, on a fairly epic scale. Natasher likes 'Pet-eat', primarily because she thought of it.
Glenn's lot have a weird brainstorming session, which seems to involve people shouting random pet puns and Glenn talking cliches like "no guts, no glory". His lot are making cat food, by the way.
Vincent doesn't like the idea of niche; he wants this dog food to be available to the masses, and if it can also work for your goldfish and lizard, then even better. Because what dog owners want to feed their pooches is a good generic mush. They call it 'Every Dog', which is Lovely Jim's idea, and of which more presently.
Vincent, Natasher and Lovely Jim go to a dog walker group, where the dogs go mental and try to eat them. There's also a vet there, who says that the worst thing you can do is to create a dog food that tries to cater to every dog on the planet. When they call Lovely Tom, he doesn't like the 'Every Dog' thing, because it's crap, but he gets shouted down because that's what happens to Lovely Tom.
Leon is naming cat food, and goes for 'Lucky Fish', which sounds like a bad Japanese translation of something (I think the point is that the fish is lucky because the cat food is so nice that the cat won't eat the fish, but I may be wrong). He goes to a cat lovers' place (with Natasher and Helen) and they explain the idea, and everyone loves it (I've no idea why, presumably because they're mental). Meanwhile, the other half of the team are in a car, and Glenn glances out the window. For a second he goes all creative, like this: Cat's Eyes... Cat Size... Catsize, and so the slimming cat food is born. He wants the tag line to be "See their light", because that can be read as "See their light" or as "See, they are light (after eating our cat food)", and since that contains the most grammatically dreadful error I can imagine, I have to despise it.
Natasher, Jim and Vincent are interviewing dogs. One of them was in Midsommer Murders, but is quite humble about it. His main talent is jumping up and down, so they hire him for their advert. Jim, incidentally, has long since entirely taken over the task.
There's a brief scene in which they're all making dog and cat food, which is both gross and irrelevant to the rest of the task.
Leon and co phone Glenn and co to explain the "Lucky Fish" idea, and Glenn says it's stupid but thankfully he has "Catsize" for them to fall back on, which they universally hate, but they go with it anyway because he forces them to. Leon, Helen and Zoe interview cats; one lady comes in with a sphinx cat, which is bald. Leon says it looks like a chicken, and Zoe starts giggling hysterically. Then Helen starts. The woman takes up her cat and leaves in disgust. Glenn calls to let them know about the "See their Light" thing, and they are almost paralysed with laughter. If Glenn ever had any dignity as Project Manager, it has vamoosed quicker than you can say "Well that's a dumbwit plurp of an attempt at a slogan". It is not, in summary, the most professional way to behave, but it's always funny to watch other people laughing.
Tomorrow they have to do the pitches. The pitchers are Melody (confident, serious, almost too earnest) and Leon (can't really be arsed, spends most of his prep time drawing pictures of cats, and then gets paranoid that Glenn has put him in charge "for strategic reasons"). But before that they have to make their ads. The cat one involves Ruby the cat coming into the room, eating food, and enduring some bad acting. They've hired a voiceover guy to do the talky bit, which is odd, as they want it in a female voice. Natasher is in charge of the dogs, and is talking more, moving more, and generally expending more energy in each minute than she has thus far in the entire series. She also says 'yeah' a lot, especially when she disagrees with helpful things other people say.
And so to the pitches. Melody is confident, serious and almost too earnest, much as we expected. She talks about how they are pushing boundaries and then they show the ad. At one point in the ad, a little dog jumps up and down a bit. The audience almost have convulsions at how funny this is. This is the funniest thing they have ever seen. They cannot imagine ever seeing anything funnier than a little dog jumping up and down. Weirdos. They also point out that dog owners don't like buying generic dog food, because they actually tend to quite like their dogs.
On to Leon, who says: "Heh heh heh. Um yeah, so heh, we came up with this idea, um we put it in pouches, he he he, it's about cats staying on the right side of obesity heh um you will see their light so they will glow afterwards here's the ad".
And to the boardroom. For this task, there's no profit or loss or anything like that, so the winner is decided by Lord Shugagh after talking to the advertising people. They watch the ads again, and again everyone laughs their heads off at the little dog jumping up and down. Glenn describes "Catsize" as a double entendre, which means he's either not very good at the finer points of the English language, or he's very very weird.
So, to sum up, Glenn's lot did quite well with actually having an idea and a theme, but their ad was a bit wick. Vincent and co had a funny advert (what with the hilarious dog jumping and all) but everything else was pants. So Vincent loses again, for the 5th week out of 5. So does Lovely Tom, which is sad. Glenn's lot head off to play tennis with Pat Cash, which is nice but might have been better, say, 20 years ago; while Vince and co head to the Cafe Los Losers, where one imagines both himself and Lovely Tom no longer need to order, but just nod to the bloke behind the counter and mutter "the usual" as they sit themselves sadly down. Again. The concensus seems to be that the problem was the name, which, as we recollect, Jim came up with. That's the one thing they all agree on: it was all Jim's doing. Personally, I think it's a little unfair, but then who am I to muscle in, having done nothing but point and laugh?
Back to the boardroom, and it's all down to Jim again, and everyone agrees, and Lord Shugagh is clearly turning on Jim, because actually Jim is getting a bit smug and annoying, and I don't think he's so lovely any more. Lord Shugagh asks how much of Jim is brains and how much is bollocks; you can see Lovely Tom drawing a pie chart in his head. So now that we've decided that it's all Jim's fault, Vincent brings Ellie and Natasha back in for boardroom part 3.
Natasha's appearance is a little unexpected, as she made an advert that had the nation enthralled, so we know she's safe. She does, however, provide some entertainment by saying things like "Vincent was so far up Jim's arse that he couldn't see the wood for the trees", which makes us all feel a little uneasy. Ellie has been brought in, apparently, solely because she owns a dog. So it's got to be Vincent who goes, no?
Well, no, because Ellie gets fired for not really doing anything. I know of at least one person who yelled at the television at this point, because surely, surely Vince cannot have survived?
But then Vincent gets fired too, which is a double bummer, because not only has he been fired, but Ellie's already away in the taxi, so now he's going to have to walk.
Sunday, 5 June 2011
Sunday, 29 May 2011
The Apprentice, Series 7: Week 4
If there's one thing we've learned from previous series, it is surely this: do not, under any circumstances, ever, utter the words "Oh, I know all about this!". Do not claim any kind of expertise in anything that you are about to have to do. You may claim as much expertise as you want in any activity you can dream up that you're not doing at the time, but Do Not Ever relate it In Any Way to the Task In Hand. Or do, but know that you are dooming yourself.
And so to week 4, which is hawking beauty products and services to random people in Birmingham. Susan's face lights up, and she squeals "I work in the beauty industry!". We could forgive this as a slip of the tongue, except that she repeats it approximately 748 times in the next 40 minutes.
But I get ahead of myself. They get the Phone Call at some kind of stupid o'clock, telling them to go to the British Museum. A brief shot of Tom in his pants (which would be lovely, but they're blue and pink), and then lots of idle speculation about what's at the British Museum. After some deliberation they come up with "dinosaurs and stuff". In any case, this week's link between location and task is so unbelievably tenuous that it'd be more worrying if they DID guess it. The point is that there's a statue there of Aphrodite, and she's the goddess of beauty, and the task is to do with beauty, or something.
Because of Zoe doing feck all so far, she gets put in charge of one of the teams, and Felicity gets put in charge of the other one. I have no idea who's in which team any more, by the way. I have, however, established that Zoe is the one with the most boring voice in the world, and Natasha is not. But the point is that Susan "actually worked in the beauty industry and OMG this is just the most perfect thing, like EVER, and did you know I actually had a skincare business?! This is what I am so actually fabulous at!" DOOM. DOOM. DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM.
The first thing they have to do is figure out where they should have their little stalls. Natasha lived in Birmingham for 2 years, and Melody is also 'very familiar' with it, so maybe the weight of doom has shifted away from Susan and onto team Flick. They opt for the shopping centre, even though the treatment room is miles away from where the stall would be; Tom the Lovely Inventor points this out, and Felicity tells him to shut up and stop being awkward. Zoe's lot opt for the out-of-town option.
Now they get to meet people who have invented new ways of parting fools from their money, and they get to choose which ones they'll try to flog to the unsuspecting folk of Birmingham. There's a fake tan thing, a chocolate face mask, and some sea shells that you rub all over your victim's back. Susan is almost off her seat with excitement, because she gets to tell EVEN MORE PEOPLE that "OMG I actually worked in the beauty industry and I actually had a skincare company!!!!1!!".
Leon, meanwhile, is taking the more sensible approach. "I can't do this. I have a girlfriend".
Over Chez Flick, no one is being listened to, most of all Lovely Tom, who has worked out profit-per-second for all the thingies (and let's face it, the numbers side of things is probably more in Lovely Tom's domain than any other part of the beauty task, no offence to him, I still think he's lovely), and Felicity basically slaps him down for too much thinking. I think this makes Lovely Tom a little bit sad, but at least he got to do things with numbers, so it wasn't a complete waste.
Felicity's team end up with the shell massage thing, and fake fringes. Team Hysteria get the spray tan and some sort of foot / nail varnish thing. They do some rehearsing, during which Leon only agrees to spray tan Gavin after Susan and Helen have assured him that "It doesn't make you gay". Susan's going a bit mental and yelling "OMG we could actually sell, like millions of products, because I know ALL ABOUT the beauty industry and I am an expert and I could sell a million in, like, 30 seconds." and they buy a truckload of little bottles of gak.
Off to Birmingham, with some practicing of fake accents, and Tom working out all kinds of numbers, just for the heck of it. Felicity and co set up in the shopping centre, where Natasha tries to press-gang a woman into buying a £25 fake fringe by saying "It's kind of like a pet hamster, innit?". Leon offers to get a girl naked and spray her.
Ellie, Lovely Tom and Melody are at a bit of a loose end, because the rest of their team are failing to generate any interest in having any of their treatments. They're flogging a cartload of bottles of stuff, like, not that they make any money on that. So Felicity does the obvious thing and brings Lovely Tom onto the sales floor. If anyone could look more unlikely to convince anyone to buy a fake fringe, I have not seen them.
Meanwhile, Susan is horrified. "Everyone here is so poor!" she moans, poor wee thing. They're not buying anywhere near as much stuff as she, who you may recollect is a Beauty Expert, commanded that they would. Unreasonable peasants.
Leon, however, has come out of his "I can't do this, I have a girlfriend" shell, and developed a thing whereby he grabs passing girls by their fingers and whirls them round till they buy his fake tan. It seems to be working. Even Karren is on the verge of stripping down to paper underwear and letting him Do His Thing.
Zoe yells at Susan, but in the most boring, whiny way possible, because Susan said they'd sell truckloads of stuff, and they've sold, like 8. Susan yells back that she sells skincare for a living. Eh? Still, at least we know more about Susan's background. Because we were wondering, like.
Felicity's team come up with a strategy whereby they end up giving people free massages; furthermore, we see the Count Dracula side of Lovely Jim as he approaches a young chap in a hood and leers "4 hands are better than 2. I'll do the massage.". Creepy.
Anyway, time to pack up and get back to London, where the nice rich people are.
Lord Shugagh reveals that Susan is in the beauty business, and the nation fall off their seats with shock. Susan gets all defensive, mainly because they all turn on her, like sharks circling their prey. DOOM DOOM DOOM.
So Team ZoeSusan made £203.01, which is a bit wick. DOOM. Team Flick managed to lose £246.28, however, which is really quite spectacular, and Susan is off the hook, and they're off to play with people from Strictly Come Dancing. How did that happen?
In Cafe Del Losers, Tom's fed up, because he's now lost every single task. So has Vincent, who has determined that he needs to be Project Manager, in order to haul the whole thing back from the brink. Good luck with that one, Vince. Felicity is all for sharing the blame equally, which I think might not be the best strategy.
Back in the boardroom, and Lovely Tom puts his hand up every time he wants to say something, which is even more endearing.
Felicity has a hard time finding 2 people to bring back into the boardroom. She chooses Ellie and then there's a loooooooong pause, during which you can see her thinking (2?! I have to bring 2 of them in? When did they change THAT rule?) and then opts for Natasha. Back in, Lord Shugagh asks Ellie why she's there. "Because I wanna be your business partner" she says, before realising that he means why is she back in the boardroom. Awkward.
Anyway, after a lot of moaning and whinging and general bickering, Felicity gets fired, for not being able to make a decision without taking a lie down afterwards.
Ellie and Natasha don't say goodbye to her, which seems a bit mean. I'm not sure I like them much. Still, it's not like they ever claimed to be nice.
And so to week 4, which is hawking beauty products and services to random people in Birmingham. Susan's face lights up, and she squeals "I work in the beauty industry!". We could forgive this as a slip of the tongue, except that she repeats it approximately 748 times in the next 40 minutes.
But I get ahead of myself. They get the Phone Call at some kind of stupid o'clock, telling them to go to the British Museum. A brief shot of Tom in his pants (which would be lovely, but they're blue and pink), and then lots of idle speculation about what's at the British Museum. After some deliberation they come up with "dinosaurs and stuff". In any case, this week's link between location and task is so unbelievably tenuous that it'd be more worrying if they DID guess it. The point is that there's a statue there of Aphrodite, and she's the goddess of beauty, and the task is to do with beauty, or something.
Because of Zoe doing feck all so far, she gets put in charge of one of the teams, and Felicity gets put in charge of the other one. I have no idea who's in which team any more, by the way. I have, however, established that Zoe is the one with the most boring voice in the world, and Natasha is not. But the point is that Susan "actually worked in the beauty industry and OMG this is just the most perfect thing, like EVER, and did you know I actually had a skincare business?! This is what I am so actually fabulous at!" DOOM. DOOM. DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM.
The first thing they have to do is figure out where they should have their little stalls. Natasha lived in Birmingham for 2 years, and Melody is also 'very familiar' with it, so maybe the weight of doom has shifted away from Susan and onto team Flick. They opt for the shopping centre, even though the treatment room is miles away from where the stall would be; Tom the Lovely Inventor points this out, and Felicity tells him to shut up and stop being awkward. Zoe's lot opt for the out-of-town option.
Now they get to meet people who have invented new ways of parting fools from their money, and they get to choose which ones they'll try to flog to the unsuspecting folk of Birmingham. There's a fake tan thing, a chocolate face mask, and some sea shells that you rub all over your victim's back. Susan is almost off her seat with excitement, because she gets to tell EVEN MORE PEOPLE that "OMG I actually worked in the beauty industry and I actually had a skincare company!!!!1!!".
Leon, meanwhile, is taking the more sensible approach. "I can't do this. I have a girlfriend".
Over Chez Flick, no one is being listened to, most of all Lovely Tom, who has worked out profit-per-second for all the thingies (and let's face it, the numbers side of things is probably more in Lovely Tom's domain than any other part of the beauty task, no offence to him, I still think he's lovely), and Felicity basically slaps him down for too much thinking. I think this makes Lovely Tom a little bit sad, but at least he got to do things with numbers, so it wasn't a complete waste.
Felicity's team end up with the shell massage thing, and fake fringes. Team Hysteria get the spray tan and some sort of foot / nail varnish thing. They do some rehearsing, during which Leon only agrees to spray tan Gavin after Susan and Helen have assured him that "It doesn't make you gay". Susan's going a bit mental and yelling "OMG we could actually sell, like millions of products, because I know ALL ABOUT the beauty industry and I am an expert and I could sell a million in, like, 30 seconds." and they buy a truckload of little bottles of gak.
Off to Birmingham, with some practicing of fake accents, and Tom working out all kinds of numbers, just for the heck of it. Felicity and co set up in the shopping centre, where Natasha tries to press-gang a woman into buying a £25 fake fringe by saying "It's kind of like a pet hamster, innit?". Leon offers to get a girl naked and spray her.
Ellie, Lovely Tom and Melody are at a bit of a loose end, because the rest of their team are failing to generate any interest in having any of their treatments. They're flogging a cartload of bottles of stuff, like, not that they make any money on that. So Felicity does the obvious thing and brings Lovely Tom onto the sales floor. If anyone could look more unlikely to convince anyone to buy a fake fringe, I have not seen them.
Meanwhile, Susan is horrified. "Everyone here is so poor!" she moans, poor wee thing. They're not buying anywhere near as much stuff as she, who you may recollect is a Beauty Expert, commanded that they would. Unreasonable peasants.
Leon, however, has come out of his "I can't do this, I have a girlfriend" shell, and developed a thing whereby he grabs passing girls by their fingers and whirls them round till they buy his fake tan. It seems to be working. Even Karren is on the verge of stripping down to paper underwear and letting him Do His Thing.
Zoe yells at Susan, but in the most boring, whiny way possible, because Susan said they'd sell truckloads of stuff, and they've sold, like 8. Susan yells back that she sells skincare for a living. Eh? Still, at least we know more about Susan's background. Because we were wondering, like.
Felicity's team come up with a strategy whereby they end up giving people free massages; furthermore, we see the Count Dracula side of Lovely Jim as he approaches a young chap in a hood and leers "4 hands are better than 2. I'll do the massage.". Creepy.
Anyway, time to pack up and get back to London, where the nice rich people are.
Lord Shugagh reveals that Susan is in the beauty business, and the nation fall off their seats with shock. Susan gets all defensive, mainly because they all turn on her, like sharks circling their prey. DOOM DOOM DOOM.
So Team ZoeSusan made £203.01, which is a bit wick. DOOM. Team Flick managed to lose £246.28, however, which is really quite spectacular, and Susan is off the hook, and they're off to play with people from Strictly Come Dancing. How did that happen?
In Cafe Del Losers, Tom's fed up, because he's now lost every single task. So has Vincent, who has determined that he needs to be Project Manager, in order to haul the whole thing back from the brink. Good luck with that one, Vince. Felicity is all for sharing the blame equally, which I think might not be the best strategy.
Back in the boardroom, and Lovely Tom puts his hand up every time he wants to say something, which is even more endearing.
Felicity has a hard time finding 2 people to bring back into the boardroom. She chooses Ellie and then there's a loooooooong pause, during which you can see her thinking (2?! I have to bring 2 of them in? When did they change THAT rule?) and then opts for Natasha. Back in, Lord Shugagh asks Ellie why she's there. "Because I wanna be your business partner" she says, before realising that he means why is she back in the boardroom. Awkward.
Anyway, after a lot of moaning and whinging and general bickering, Felicity gets fired, for not being able to make a decision without taking a lie down afterwards.
Ellie and Natasha don't say goodbye to her, which seems a bit mean. I'm not sure I like them much. Still, it's not like they ever claimed to be nice.
Sunday, 22 May 2011
The Apprentice Series 7: Week 3
Week 3 brings one of my favourite tasks from every series: Discount Buying for Idiots. This year, the unlucky recipient of whatever toot the teams trawl home is The Savoy, which has recently been redecorated and needed an excuse to tell the nation.
We start off with a reminder of last week's car crash, followed by the usual phone call and the clearly-not-10-minutes-like-they-say-it-is gallop around the house to get ready. One of the girls can't find her underwear.
With 2 boys gone, the teams have to be rearranged, and the team names come into play. I shall ignore them, though, because they're stupid. Leon, Lovely Jim and Glenn swap places with Natasha, Ellie, Melody and Zoe. Who? Where did Natasha and Zoe come from? I have no idea which of them is which, and shall henceforth refer to them both as Zotasha, for the sake of clarity, and because I don't really care.
So The Savoy have spent £200 million on the repaint, but can only spare, like, 20 quid for the rest of the stuff they need. The list includes ice, top hats, a cloche (a what? A cloche. What's that? You're about to find out), signage and tea.
Susan (easily amused) is in charge of her team, because she negotiates all the time, and paid off her mum's mortgage while doing her A-Levels and also a degree, or something. On the other team, Gavin literally wants to put his name forward, literally straight away. Vincent would also be up for it if it wasn't for Gavin being such an obvious choice. So they opt for Gavin.
It's important to note that the tools available to the teams are business directories, and a map. Apparently they can't just use common sense and Google it, because What Would The World Be Coming To if they did that?
Susan's team start by figuring out what all the things are, phoning round a few places, and finding out how much they cost. Then they split into 2 teams, one headed by Susan and one by Lovely Jim, and head off to buy them. You know, like you would do if you had ever watched the program before, or had any idea about how to go about buying things, or had any ounce of wit AT ALL. Even Nick's impressed.
Meanwhile, Chez Gav, Vincent is phoning a fishmonger to ask about their fillet steak. A FISHmonger. The clue is in the name. They do not mong steaks, you twit, they mong FISH. Otherwise they would be, like, a STEAKmonger or something. And I know you don't see a lot of those, so maybe that's where the problem happened. He also asks the fishmonger where he can buy steak in London. Twit.
Zotasha has a more cunning plan. Rather than figuring out where to buy any of the things, just phone some other hotel and ask them where they buy their stuff. So she phones the Ritz. Which at least gives the rest of the team a giggle, because it's all getting a little serious, what with them not having a clue what half the things on the list are.
Back at Team Slightly Sane, Susan, Leon and Felicity are trying to buy a top hat. The guy tells them it costs £385, and they start trying to negotiate, mainly by sounding all shocked at how expensive it is, and then doing Bambi eyes. Felicity is all for going to a fancy dress shop, and Nick tells a great anecdote about shopping for hats with the King of Tonga.
Lovely Jim, Glenn, Scary Edna and Scary Helen are off to Mayfair to buy fillet steak. I do not know why they go to Mayfair, as that is the final square on the Monopoly board, and we all know that that means it's really expensive. Fortunately, they have Lovely Jim, who talks the guy down to £180 (I don't know what it started at, maybe £5875 or something), and the rest stand in awe. Somehow he then ends up only paying £170.
Team Chaos are still trying to figure out how to say 'cloche', never mind figure out what it is. They decide they've spent enough time in their room with their phone directories, and head to the cars. They've no idea where they're going or what they're trying to get (they seem to have definitions only for ice, fillet steak, and top hats), but they're driving each other nuts and need to be kept apart. Vincent is put in charge of the sub team, which includes both Zotashas and Ellie. Melody, Tom the Lovely Inventor and Gavin are heading off to Mongolia or somewhere to buy 3 light bulbs; Zotasha is trying to negotiate a deal on a sign, and does it like this: "the highest I can offer is £20 (sign man: no way), £40 (sign man: no way), £50, £60" (sign man: no way). Vincent steps in and offers £80, which is finally accepted. That's not negotiating, that's just playing a guessing game to see how much it costs. Zotasha is cross because Vincent didn't let her drive the price down further. It is unclear which bit of 'down' she's not grasped yet.
Susan, Leon and Felicity are looking for top hats in a different posh shop, and doing very badly at even getting the man to negotiate. The shop does not do discounts. The price is the price. They do not discount the price. There is no negotiation on price. After a tense stand off, he gives them a penny off, to the most rapturous celebrations we've seen to date. If ever there was a petty victory, this, surely, is it.
Gavin and co have decided that a cloche is a bell, which it is not. Glenn has found one, and it's one of those metal dome things you put over food when you serve it to someone posh, and it costs £8.50. Gavin and co then move on from the bell idea, and become certain it's a mini greenhouse. Now their only challenge is to figure out why the description describes it as 12" in diameter, and made of stainless steel. This winsome scene is interrupted by Gavin spotting a dry cleaners, and having a whole new brainwave. The dry cleaners is called 'Top Hat Cleaners', and yes, yes he does, he goes in and asks if they do top hats. The scene concludes with Karren standing alone, shaking her head sadly.
Back to the cloche, and there is now a real, and very exciting, possibility that they are about to turn up in the entrance hall of The Savoy with a small metal greenhouse under their arms.
Susan's off to buy some organza silk, and is quoted £109.50 by a woman so scary that she makes Edna look like she paints rainbows and fluffy clouds in the sky for a living. Susan tells her that it's for a very very important client.
"How would that make a difference to me?", asks scary shopkeeper.
Tumbleweed.
Eventually they get it for £100 by paying cash. Susan realises they've ended up in Posh World, where there are no discounts to be had. Bit late, like.
Gavin, however, has picked up the silk for £75, which is about the first good thing that has happened to him all day.
Vincent and the girls are seeking out loo roll. They seem to be having trouble getting 500 rolls, which does not sound like something that would be hard to do. Try a big Tesco. Ellie is negotiating, until Vincent rips the phone out of her hand and achieves nothing extra.
Lovely Jim continues to work his magic, and gets a load of bulbs and A HUG, for £60. We have, of course, no idea whether this is good value for a load of bulbs or not, but he bargained her down from something higher, which is the right way to do it, Zotasha, if you're reading.
The final item is 10kg of chamomile tea. Felicity is so excited that they've found something on the list that they can actually buy, that she fails to get any kind of price until they get there. The woman (who, incidentally, is standing in the middle of the street with the box of tea, not in a shop or anything) quotes them £990. Well. I nearly fell over. Has it been hand-picked by unicorns or something? Seriously. Tesco. Buy a box of Twinings and empty the bags out. Eventually, they get it for £450 or something, from the woman, who is now drinking tea in the middle of the street.
Back to The Savoy, and Susan's lot have 9 out of 10 items, while Gavin's shower of turkeys only have 6 out of 10, and get fined. Somehow they haven't even managed to buy ice. Hint: try some eskimos. They've tons of the stuff, apparently.
And so to the boardroom, where we analyse Susan's team first. They all loved Susan, and she loved how well she organised it all, and how she got a penny off, at which point they realise that that was actually a bit crap. They get hauled over the coals for going to posh places to buy things, instead of the local Cheepy Cheep Stuff. The £990 tea thing comes up, and Lord Shugah is Not Pleased.
Over to Gavin, where they thought he wasn't bad, but they all seemed to think it was a bit disorganised, that bit where they spent 3 hours running round in circles and phoning the Ritz. We laugh at the Top Hat Cleaners thing, and then run through the options for what a cloche might be.
Now for the totals. Susan etc. have 1 fine, and including that have spent £1381.69. Gavin and co have 4 fines, but on cheaper items, so when that gets added in, their total is £1389.20. There's a pause while the nation works out who has won; I shall calculate it for you and can report that Susan's lot have stolen victory by £8, which is not a lot, considering how much better they were at being organised, but which I suppose is more when you consider how rubbish they were at negotiating (tip: don't start with the most expensive shops on the planet). They get sent off to a weird cabaret/porn thing, while the losers go to Cafe Los Disaster and all yell a bit.
I feel sorry for Tom the Lovely Inventor, who hasn't won a task yet. Neither have Gavin or Vincent, but I don't care so much about them.
Boardroom Part II, and they all turn on Vincent for being a smarmy get and not letting anyone else do anything. Zotasha brings up her negotiation on the sign, and how she called the Ritz, both of which would be best never being spoken of again.
Back for Boardroom Part Final, we have Gavin, Vincent and Zotasha (not the sign/Ritz one, the other one, who didn't really do anything much at all). It's a bit tedious, and eventually Gavin gets the Pointy Finger of Doom.
Ah well. Never mind.
We start off with a reminder of last week's car crash, followed by the usual phone call and the clearly-not-10-minutes-like-they-say-it-is gallop around the house to get ready. One of the girls can't find her underwear.
With 2 boys gone, the teams have to be rearranged, and the team names come into play. I shall ignore them, though, because they're stupid. Leon, Lovely Jim and Glenn swap places with Natasha, Ellie, Melody and Zoe. Who? Where did Natasha and Zoe come from? I have no idea which of them is which, and shall henceforth refer to them both as Zotasha, for the sake of clarity, and because I don't really care.
So The Savoy have spent £200 million on the repaint, but can only spare, like, 20 quid for the rest of the stuff they need. The list includes ice, top hats, a cloche (a what? A cloche. What's that? You're about to find out), signage and tea.
Susan (easily amused) is in charge of her team, because she negotiates all the time, and paid off her mum's mortgage while doing her A-Levels and also a degree, or something. On the other team, Gavin literally wants to put his name forward, literally straight away. Vincent would also be up for it if it wasn't for Gavin being such an obvious choice. So they opt for Gavin.
It's important to note that the tools available to the teams are business directories, and a map. Apparently they can't just use common sense and Google it, because What Would The World Be Coming To if they did that?
Susan's team start by figuring out what all the things are, phoning round a few places, and finding out how much they cost. Then they split into 2 teams, one headed by Susan and one by Lovely Jim, and head off to buy them. You know, like you would do if you had ever watched the program before, or had any idea about how to go about buying things, or had any ounce of wit AT ALL. Even Nick's impressed.
Meanwhile, Chez Gav, Vincent is phoning a fishmonger to ask about their fillet steak. A FISHmonger. The clue is in the name. They do not mong steaks, you twit, they mong FISH. Otherwise they would be, like, a STEAKmonger or something. And I know you don't see a lot of those, so maybe that's where the problem happened. He also asks the fishmonger where he can buy steak in London. Twit.
Zotasha has a more cunning plan. Rather than figuring out where to buy any of the things, just phone some other hotel and ask them where they buy their stuff. So she phones the Ritz. Which at least gives the rest of the team a giggle, because it's all getting a little serious, what with them not having a clue what half the things on the list are.
Back at Team Slightly Sane, Susan, Leon and Felicity are trying to buy a top hat. The guy tells them it costs £385, and they start trying to negotiate, mainly by sounding all shocked at how expensive it is, and then doing Bambi eyes. Felicity is all for going to a fancy dress shop, and Nick tells a great anecdote about shopping for hats with the King of Tonga.
Lovely Jim, Glenn, Scary Edna and Scary Helen are off to Mayfair to buy fillet steak. I do not know why they go to Mayfair, as that is the final square on the Monopoly board, and we all know that that means it's really expensive. Fortunately, they have Lovely Jim, who talks the guy down to £180 (I don't know what it started at, maybe £5875 or something), and the rest stand in awe. Somehow he then ends up only paying £170.
Team Chaos are still trying to figure out how to say 'cloche', never mind figure out what it is. They decide they've spent enough time in their room with their phone directories, and head to the cars. They've no idea where they're going or what they're trying to get (they seem to have definitions only for ice, fillet steak, and top hats), but they're driving each other nuts and need to be kept apart. Vincent is put in charge of the sub team, which includes both Zotashas and Ellie. Melody, Tom the Lovely Inventor and Gavin are heading off to Mongolia or somewhere to buy 3 light bulbs; Zotasha is trying to negotiate a deal on a sign, and does it like this: "the highest I can offer is £20 (sign man: no way), £40 (sign man: no way), £50, £60" (sign man: no way). Vincent steps in and offers £80, which is finally accepted. That's not negotiating, that's just playing a guessing game to see how much it costs. Zotasha is cross because Vincent didn't let her drive the price down further. It is unclear which bit of 'down' she's not grasped yet.
Susan, Leon and Felicity are looking for top hats in a different posh shop, and doing very badly at even getting the man to negotiate. The shop does not do discounts. The price is the price. They do not discount the price. There is no negotiation on price. After a tense stand off, he gives them a penny off, to the most rapturous celebrations we've seen to date. If ever there was a petty victory, this, surely, is it.
Gavin and co have decided that a cloche is a bell, which it is not. Glenn has found one, and it's one of those metal dome things you put over food when you serve it to someone posh, and it costs £8.50. Gavin and co then move on from the bell idea, and become certain it's a mini greenhouse. Now their only challenge is to figure out why the description describes it as 12" in diameter, and made of stainless steel. This winsome scene is interrupted by Gavin spotting a dry cleaners, and having a whole new brainwave. The dry cleaners is called 'Top Hat Cleaners', and yes, yes he does, he goes in and asks if they do top hats. The scene concludes with Karren standing alone, shaking her head sadly.
Back to the cloche, and there is now a real, and very exciting, possibility that they are about to turn up in the entrance hall of The Savoy with a small metal greenhouse under their arms.
Susan's off to buy some organza silk, and is quoted £109.50 by a woman so scary that she makes Edna look like she paints rainbows and fluffy clouds in the sky for a living. Susan tells her that it's for a very very important client.
"How would that make a difference to me?", asks scary shopkeeper.
Tumbleweed.
Eventually they get it for £100 by paying cash. Susan realises they've ended up in Posh World, where there are no discounts to be had. Bit late, like.
Gavin, however, has picked up the silk for £75, which is about the first good thing that has happened to him all day.
Vincent and the girls are seeking out loo roll. They seem to be having trouble getting 500 rolls, which does not sound like something that would be hard to do. Try a big Tesco. Ellie is negotiating, until Vincent rips the phone out of her hand and achieves nothing extra.
Lovely Jim continues to work his magic, and gets a load of bulbs and A HUG, for £60. We have, of course, no idea whether this is good value for a load of bulbs or not, but he bargained her down from something higher, which is the right way to do it, Zotasha, if you're reading.
The final item is 10kg of chamomile tea. Felicity is so excited that they've found something on the list that they can actually buy, that she fails to get any kind of price until they get there. The woman (who, incidentally, is standing in the middle of the street with the box of tea, not in a shop or anything) quotes them £990. Well. I nearly fell over. Has it been hand-picked by unicorns or something? Seriously. Tesco. Buy a box of Twinings and empty the bags out. Eventually, they get it for £450 or something, from the woman, who is now drinking tea in the middle of the street.
Back to The Savoy, and Susan's lot have 9 out of 10 items, while Gavin's shower of turkeys only have 6 out of 10, and get fined. Somehow they haven't even managed to buy ice. Hint: try some eskimos. They've tons of the stuff, apparently.
And so to the boardroom, where we analyse Susan's team first. They all loved Susan, and she loved how well she organised it all, and how she got a penny off, at which point they realise that that was actually a bit crap. They get hauled over the coals for going to posh places to buy things, instead of the local Cheepy Cheep Stuff. The £990 tea thing comes up, and Lord Shugah is Not Pleased.
Over to Gavin, where they thought he wasn't bad, but they all seemed to think it was a bit disorganised, that bit where they spent 3 hours running round in circles and phoning the Ritz. We laugh at the Top Hat Cleaners thing, and then run through the options for what a cloche might be.
Now for the totals. Susan etc. have 1 fine, and including that have spent £1381.69. Gavin and co have 4 fines, but on cheaper items, so when that gets added in, their total is £1389.20. There's a pause while the nation works out who has won; I shall calculate it for you and can report that Susan's lot have stolen victory by £8, which is not a lot, considering how much better they were at being organised, but which I suppose is more when you consider how rubbish they were at negotiating (tip: don't start with the most expensive shops on the planet). They get sent off to a weird cabaret/porn thing, while the losers go to Cafe Los Disaster and all yell a bit.
I feel sorry for Tom the Lovely Inventor, who hasn't won a task yet. Neither have Gavin or Vincent, but I don't care so much about them.
Boardroom Part II, and they all turn on Vincent for being a smarmy get and not letting anyone else do anything. Zotasha brings up her negotiation on the sign, and how she called the Ritz, both of which would be best never being spoken of again.
Back for Boardroom Part Final, we have Gavin, Vincent and Zotasha (not the sign/Ritz one, the other one, who didn't really do anything much at all). It's a bit tedious, and eventually Gavin gets the Pointy Finger of Doom.
Ah well. Never mind.
Sunday, 15 May 2011
The Apprentice Series 7: Episode 2
A weird thing is happening. I must be hormonal or something, but there are quite a few Apprentice candidates this year who I really think are quite lovely. Lovely Jim and Tom The Lovely Inventor have been previously mentioned. I also have a bit of a thing (although on a vastly-reduced scale) for Leon, Gavin, and possibly Glenn. Anyone with me? Anyone else think this year's boys are a notch up on last year's crew? Or is it just Post-Baggs Relief Syndrome?
Anyway, on to Episode 2, and someone arrives at the door of the snazzy house with a laptop. Tom The Lovely Inventor is dressed (sort of) and ready to receive; he summons everyone to the table, and they fire it up. Lord Shugagh appears on the screen, because this week's task is all about technology, so he's delivering the task explainy thing via technology, see? Technology, incidentally, is something he "knows a bit about", as all 7 owners of the Amstrad E-m@iler will affirm. They have to make new apps, which will be launched on the internet tomorrow. The apps will be free (obviously, like, let's face it), and the team with the most downloads wins.
Girls vs Boys again; in the boys' car, they're making 'app' puns. "APProximately 12 hours to get the app done" says Leon; "Are we fast APProaching where we need to be?" asks Jim; "This is APPsolutely fabulous" quips Leon, to a carful of hysteria. "Did you have an APPle?" says Vincent.
Tumbleweed.
So they need project managers. Leon once used an app, and also wants to show off; Vincent is also up for it, but everyone remembers the APPle thing; Jim wouldn't mind doing it; Alex thinks "there are other people who'd be less crap than me". Edna takes charge of the girls, and starts stomping Susan (easily amused) into the ground.
They each send a few people off to do market research, which we need say nothing more about, as it is of no further relevance to proceedings. Back at the ranch, the boys are coming up with ideas: bubblewrap that you can squeeze and it crackles; temperature in London one year ago today; a traffic light; and then, finally, Glenn comes up with the gem of an idea that they instantly fall in love with: an app that lets you insult your friends in various forms of local slang. Because what the internet needs is more casual racism. Anyway, Lovely Jim comes up with the name 'Slang-a-tang'. They quickly dismiss fears that it's a bit offensive and that it's not very global, because those things won't matter and aren't very interesting to think about.
Over Chez Girls, they're struggling more. Apart from Susan (easily amused), who has a "brilliant idea":
The boys are in the recording studio, and seem to have ditched the almost acceptable regional insults in favour of much more blatantly offensive stereotypes, such as the Welsh farmer asking "Has anyone seen my sheep?". They seem to be having fun, though, and are baffling Nick, whose eyebrows are somewhere around the stratosphere.
The girls are in a padded room, arguing, but for the purposes of creating an app which consists of them arguing. They also make some animal noises, and Susan (easily amused) gets all worried.
Tomorrow they have to meet some computery people to try to get them to love their apps. Edna has given extensive thought to who should pitch to the local nerd-fest, and decides it should be her, and not Melody, who has experience of actually doing this kind of thing.
Off they go to meet computer website people, who almost universally lack enthusiasm for both apps. The girls make twits of themselves, and the computer website people wonder a bit why the app makes the sound of a dog while showing a picture of an elephant. The boys take their turn, and Leon puts Vincent in charge of the pitch; Vincent gets about 3 nervous sentences out, falls over, and has to pull in Lovely Jim to salvage it all.
There's some kind of gadget shown on in Earls' Court, and half of each team are there. Thankfully it's not an audience that's easily offended, as the boys are in full costume and touting their racial stereotypes as far as they can. Meanwhile, at a pitch, Lovely Jim is trying to convince some computer people that having an Australian guy in a hat with corks is not stereotyping. Still, they come out convinced it went really really well, so Lovely Jim is still smiling.
Back at Earls' Court, they check up on how the pitches went. In summary, 2 sites recommend the boys' slang, and 1 recommends the elephant dog. You have to assume they were paid a lot of money to ensure they featured any at all, of course.
Still, there's one remaining opportunity, as a gigabyte of software geeks have gathered in a room to learn more. Edna has appointed herself to pitch the girls' app, and makes a complete hash of it, strutting on the stage in elbow-length black lacy gloves, and trying to be all sexy and mysterious. The boys, meanwhile, realise that it you want to tell people how to get your app, being mysterious is not the way to do it; they sledgehammer the audience into downloading the app then and there, in exchange for a doughnut.
Back to the boardroom they go, and Lord Shugagh asks what they all thought of their apps. The boys thought Leon was a good leader, and Slang-a-tang was wow fab groovy; the girls almost universally despised Ampi Apps. And so to download figures. After 6 hours, the boys had about 3000 downloads, and the girls had just under 1000. Not looking good for Edna & Co. But then Nick and Karren weigh in with the final totals; the boys have 3951 downloads, but the girls have rocketed up to 10,667, and dance out the door to perform their group-hug-and-whisper-scream and then to go for dinner at a posh restaurant; all of which goes to prove that if you're going to sell crap, at least do it on a global scale.
At the Cafe Del Doom, with the girls' laughter echoing cruely, the boys sit and look at each other, and it suddenly clicks that maybe it was a bit offensive.
Boardroom Part Deux, and Lord Shugagh points out that, in addition to the casual racism, an app that tells you how to insult your friends in a Geordie accent might not be that relevant in, say, Brazil, or China, or anywhere that doesn't speak English. They blame Lovely Jim for the description being a bit wick (which, and Lovely Jim, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, is true); then they turn on Leon for making a bad decision. Lovely Jim says that Alex didn't do a lot; Alex sneers a bit, and frowns, and blames Lovely Jim for lots of things, but Lovely Jim shouts him down and says Alex has done nothing at all.
And now it gets fabulous. Leon is asked who he's bringing back in. It goes like this:
Way to go Jim! I love you more by the minute!
Long story short, Leon brings Alex and Glenn back in. Leon faffs about and doesn't really say a lot, while Glenn hammers him into the ground. Alex wakes up and tries to get a few kicks in, but basically manages to stick his foot straight in his mouth. It looks like Leon is doomed, but at the last minute it's Alex who gets the chop, for not doing anything of any substance, and because last week he spent the whole time cutting bread. And I say "Yay!" because he's a bit of a slimer and nods his head too much.
Incidentally, neither Slang-a-tang nor Ampi Apps is still available on iTunes. I checked.
Next week is the "Buying tons of tat as cheap as possible task".
Anyway, on to Episode 2, and someone arrives at the door of the snazzy house with a laptop. Tom The Lovely Inventor is dressed (sort of) and ready to receive; he summons everyone to the table, and they fire it up. Lord Shugagh appears on the screen, because this week's task is all about technology, so he's delivering the task explainy thing via technology, see? Technology, incidentally, is something he "knows a bit about", as all 7 owners of the Amstrad E-m@iler will affirm. They have to make new apps, which will be launched on the internet tomorrow. The apps will be free (obviously, like, let's face it), and the team with the most downloads wins.
Girls vs Boys again; in the boys' car, they're making 'app' puns. "APProximately 12 hours to get the app done" says Leon; "Are we fast APProaching where we need to be?" asks Jim; "This is APPsolutely fabulous" quips Leon, to a carful of hysteria. "Did you have an APPle?" says Vincent.
Tumbleweed.
So they need project managers. Leon once used an app, and also wants to show off; Vincent is also up for it, but everyone remembers the APPle thing; Jim wouldn't mind doing it; Alex thinks "there are other people who'd be less crap than me". Edna takes charge of the girls, and starts stomping Susan (easily amused) into the ground.
They each send a few people off to do market research, which we need say nothing more about, as it is of no further relevance to proceedings. Back at the ranch, the boys are coming up with ideas: bubblewrap that you can squeeze and it crackles; temperature in London one year ago today; a traffic light; and then, finally, Glenn comes up with the gem of an idea that they instantly fall in love with: an app that lets you insult your friends in various forms of local slang. Because what the internet needs is more casual racism. Anyway, Lovely Jim comes up with the name 'Slang-a-tang'. They quickly dismiss fears that it's a bit offensive and that it's not very global, because those things won't matter and aren't very interesting to think about.
Over Chez Girls, they're struggling more. Apart from Susan (easily amused), who has a "brilliant idea":
So you've got 2 people next to each other, and you're you and I'm me, and I say, like I ask you a question like "where do you think we are" and I ask my phone, like where we are right now..."Edna nearly stabs her, and Susan (easily amused) goes into a sulk. Eventually they come up with an app that has no useful purpose, but which makes irritating noises and annoys other people. Any similarity to any team member, alive or dead, is purely coincidental. They suggest some stupid names and then settle on "Ampi App".
The boys are in the recording studio, and seem to have ditched the almost acceptable regional insults in favour of much more blatantly offensive stereotypes, such as the Welsh farmer asking "Has anyone seen my sheep?". They seem to be having fun, though, and are baffling Nick, whose eyebrows are somewhere around the stratosphere.
The girls are in a padded room, arguing, but for the purposes of creating an app which consists of them arguing. They also make some animal noises, and Susan (easily amused) gets all worried.
Tomorrow they have to meet some computery people to try to get them to love their apps. Edna has given extensive thought to who should pitch to the local nerd-fest, and decides it should be her, and not Melody, who has experience of actually doing this kind of thing.
Off they go to meet computer website people, who almost universally lack enthusiasm for both apps. The girls make twits of themselves, and the computer website people wonder a bit why the app makes the sound of a dog while showing a picture of an elephant. The boys take their turn, and Leon puts Vincent in charge of the pitch; Vincent gets about 3 nervous sentences out, falls over, and has to pull in Lovely Jim to salvage it all.
There's some kind of gadget shown on in Earls' Court, and half of each team are there. Thankfully it's not an audience that's easily offended, as the boys are in full costume and touting their racial stereotypes as far as they can. Meanwhile, at a pitch, Lovely Jim is trying to convince some computer people that having an Australian guy in a hat with corks is not stereotyping. Still, they come out convinced it went really really well, so Lovely Jim is still smiling.
Back at Earls' Court, they check up on how the pitches went. In summary, 2 sites recommend the boys' slang, and 1 recommends the elephant dog. You have to assume they were paid a lot of money to ensure they featured any at all, of course.
Still, there's one remaining opportunity, as a gigabyte of software geeks have gathered in a room to learn more. Edna has appointed herself to pitch the girls' app, and makes a complete hash of it, strutting on the stage in elbow-length black lacy gloves, and trying to be all sexy and mysterious. The boys, meanwhile, realise that it you want to tell people how to get your app, being mysterious is not the way to do it; they sledgehammer the audience into downloading the app then and there, in exchange for a doughnut.
Back to the boardroom they go, and Lord Shugagh asks what they all thought of their apps. The boys thought Leon was a good leader, and Slang-a-tang was wow fab groovy; the girls almost universally despised Ampi Apps. And so to download figures. After 6 hours, the boys had about 3000 downloads, and the girls had just under 1000. Not looking good for Edna & Co. But then Nick and Karren weigh in with the final totals; the boys have 3951 downloads, but the girls have rocketed up to 10,667, and dance out the door to perform their group-hug-and-whisper-scream and then to go for dinner at a posh restaurant; all of which goes to prove that if you're going to sell crap, at least do it on a global scale.
At the Cafe Del Doom, with the girls' laughter echoing cruely, the boys sit and look at each other, and it suddenly clicks that maybe it was a bit offensive.
Boardroom Part Deux, and Lord Shugagh points out that, in addition to the casual racism, an app that tells you how to insult your friends in a Geordie accent might not be that relevant in, say, Brazil, or China, or anywhere that doesn't speak English. They blame Lovely Jim for the description being a bit wick (which, and Lovely Jim, if you're reading this, I'm sorry, is true); then they turn on Leon for making a bad decision. Lovely Jim says that Alex didn't do a lot; Alex sneers a bit, and frowns, and blames Lovely Jim for lots of things, but Lovely Jim shouts him down and says Alex has done nothing at all.
And now it gets fabulous. Leon is asked who he's bringing back in. It goes like this:
Leon: Based on sort of the feedback I've been hearing today, I'd like to bring back Alex, and Jim
Lord Shugagh: Alex and Jim
Lovely Jim: Well, it's interesting that he chose myself and Alex. There's actually a few fall guys: Vincent fluffed his speech, and I had to save the day, and I don't fluff speeches; Glenn designed the app, that turned out to be crap. Two tasks in and I've give 100% effort.
Leon: Jim has done a sterling job throughout
Lovely Jim: well then I'm not the person you should be bringing in, if you agree that I've done a sterling job throughout, so you need to change your decision
Leon: So on the basis of maybe Jim's dealing here; I mean, do you want me to change, is that..
Lovely Jim: Change! It's obvious. It's obvious!
Leon: Yeah, right, it's obvious, yeah. Ok. There's a potential here that it could be down to the concept, so.. OK... I'm going to bring in Glenn
Glenn: You want to bring me back? I don't think you should
Leon: Listen, Glenn, I know...
Lovely Jim: I strongly agree
Glenn: I don't think you should. What do you think Jim?
Lovely Jim: The PM's made a decision, I highlighted who I thought made flaws and made mistakes, and he's chosen you Glenn
Glenn: I think it should be Tom
Way to go Jim! I love you more by the minute!
Long story short, Leon brings Alex and Glenn back in. Leon faffs about and doesn't really say a lot, while Glenn hammers him into the ground. Alex wakes up and tries to get a few kicks in, but basically manages to stick his foot straight in his mouth. It looks like Leon is doomed, but at the last minute it's Alex who gets the chop, for not doing anything of any substance, and because last week he spent the whole time cutting bread. And I say "Yay!" because he's a bit of a slimer and nods his head too much.
Incidentally, neither Slang-a-tang nor Ampi Apps is still available on iTunes. I checked.
Next week is the "Buying tons of tat as cheap as possible task".
The Apprentice Series 7: Episode 1
Week 1, and they're at it again: talking the talk, 'best of breed', 'one of a kind', 'Lord Shugagh won't ever find anyone as awesome as me', as they drag their little suitcases around the streets of London. This year, we're reminded, they're not going to land a job at the end of it; instead Lord Shugagh intends to use the process to whittle them down to the least incompetent, and then give that person a quarter of a million quid to start a business with him.
Step 1: pep talk with Lord Shugagh, where Tom The Inventor actually TAKES NOTES in a little notebook. As if he's not going to remember "Get out onto the streets and make twits of yourselves while ostensibly attempting to prove your business acumen." *sigh* Although we do learn that Lord Shugagh is not "The Patron Saint of Bladdy Losers", and I admit that that may have been worth jotting down.
Anyway, the point is, they're being given £250 to buy fruit, make it worth more, and then flog it. Boys vs girls, as ever, and (after the bit where they shriek about how nice the house is) we have to endure the team naming. "I thought 'Galvanised'", says Scary Helen, "for obvious reasons... And, um... 'Platinum'". They end up going with 'Venture'. Over with the boys, what we need is for Mr Realistic Guy (Alex) to come up with "Shower of Loons", but instead they come up with the opposite: "Ability" and "Logic". "Logic" wins, and it's on to choosing Project Managers.
Scary Melody appoints herself, after a bit of a scrap with Scary Helen. Melody has been taught by a number of well-known business minds, such as the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Over with the boys, Edward is well up for leading it, and seems to be determined to use the day to prove he's not an accountant.
The girls (who all kind of look the same, to be honest, so forgive me if I get the names wrong) decide the best approach is to not spend all the money. They quickly choose to make fruit salads and vegetable pasta.The boys decide to make soup, on the basis that it can't kill anybody. There's a lot of cheering and back-slapping, and then an awkward silence when one of them (Glenn?) asks whether anyone knows how to make soup. No. Nobody knows how to make soup. Nobody appears to have the sense to use their iPhones to phone their mum and ask, either, or to Google "How to make soup", or to go to a freaking charity shop and buy a freaking cookbook with one of their 250 FREAKING POUNDS; fortunately, Edward The Non-Accountant stills the panic with an approach which may work - "just spend our 250 quid on produce, mash it up as quick as possible and sell it all". Not for him the working out of margins or the costing of ingredients; the boys will "roll with the punches".
Into the market to buy fruit and veg (Edward: "Is that an orange?" Vincent: "I dunno"), and a lot of talk about how they have to get moving. The boys buy millions of oranges to make orange juice, and leave Jim with £40 to spend on the ingredients for soup. He does a blinding bit of negotiation with a woman who doesn't have anything to sell him; he is also a little bit lovely, and you may hear me speak of him again. Anyway, this is better than the girls' approach to negotiation, which is to smile a lot and be irritatingly cheerful.
Now they have their ingredients, they have to start cooking. Edward is refusing to plan anything at all, which bodes well for entertainment purposes. The girls are fairly mundane; they don't really have enough stuff, but they manage to distribute it without incident into little pots that they'll flog for some rip-off price to the general public. The boys are, again, "rolling with the punches"; Leon starts juicing the million oranges, argues with Edward, breaks the machines, argues with Edward again, and ends up ensuring that they have to squeeze 1,400 oranges by hand. Karren Brady has a little smirk at them, and Edward gets a bit confused about why they're not selling anything yet.
Meanwhile, back at Team Venture, Scary Edna, Scary Ellie and one of the other girls are making vegetable pasta which looks like it's been dredged up from the bottom of a river. They're not making it with any kind of urgency or haste, and end up missing the lunchtime rush and trying to flog it as something for people to take home for dinner.
Tom The Lovely Inventor is juggling oranges to advertise the boys' tomato soup, and Lovely Jim is looking lovely in an orange apron. Some of the boys go off to sleeze round office workers and convince them to buy orange juice; much to Karren's disappointment, it seems to work.
The girls have finally got round to turning up at their stall, where Ellie makes a sign advertising "vegatable pasta", and then danders round trying to encourage people to do her a favour and buy a tub of the stuff. Helen is at the opposite end of the enthusiasm scale ("Hello! Would you like to buy some pasta?!", in a voice normally reserved for student evangelists at the CU mission week), but has no success either.
Selling is over, and it's back to the boardroom, with the boys congratulating themselves on how well they rolled with the punches. I sense impending doom, because I have the insight of a very insightful person who has a crystal ball and is feeling especially insightful that day. They do the sum-up thing with Lord Shugagh: the boys didn't really like Edward, and the girls thought Melody was lovely and wonderful. Edward has a weird way of talking. He apparently 'hand-picked' Jim, because Jim was clearly a 'soup man'. Other quotes include:
On to the figures, and the boys made £432.13 with the soup and juice. The girls only made £37.28 on the river sludge, but made £555.05 from the fruit salad, and are off to a champagne reception in the fancy house, where they all get patronised by Melody, and Susan "easily amused" Ma does a bit of snarking behind her back.
Over at Cafe Loser, the cups have been upgraded to those big posh ones, with saucers and teaspoons, and the boys sit around sadly and wonder how they could have made more orange juice.
Back in the boardroom, we return to Edward's strategy of not really having a plan, and it is generally agreed that having a plan would have been good, and that maybe if Edward had done something other than try to prove he's not an accountant, it might all have been ok. Edward says it would have been better if he had made more money, which is also generally agreed upon. They all blame Leon for breaking the juicers; Karren seems particularly put out by this, and accuses him of "mishandling the equipment", which makes me snigger slightly.
We establish that Alex spent all day cutting bread and cleaning things, and he develops a kind of scowl and nervous tic. Anyway, Edward's bringing Leon and Gavin back in, and the others are sent back to the house. Tom The Lovely Inventor apologises to Lord Shugah on his way out, which I find rather endearing.
Back in, it's obvious that Gavin's only there because Edward doesn't like him; Leon appears to be on shaky ground, but ultimately has committed no crime other than being incapable of using an orange juicer, and Edward's gone. Which is good, because he's kind of weird and also he tries to keep himself in by saying "Not only am I the youngest in the team, I'm also the shortest".
Heh. Stuart Baggs was younger and shorter. That's all I'm saying.
Step 1: pep talk with Lord Shugagh, where Tom The Inventor actually TAKES NOTES in a little notebook. As if he's not going to remember "Get out onto the streets and make twits of yourselves while ostensibly attempting to prove your business acumen." *sigh* Although we do learn that Lord Shugagh is not "The Patron Saint of Bladdy Losers", and I admit that that may have been worth jotting down.
Anyway, the point is, they're being given £250 to buy fruit, make it worth more, and then flog it. Boys vs girls, as ever, and (after the bit where they shriek about how nice the house is) we have to endure the team naming. "I thought 'Galvanised'", says Scary Helen, "for obvious reasons... And, um... 'Platinum'". They end up going with 'Venture'. Over with the boys, what we need is for Mr Realistic Guy (Alex) to come up with "Shower of Loons", but instead they come up with the opposite: "Ability" and "Logic". "Logic" wins, and it's on to choosing Project Managers.
Scary Melody appoints herself, after a bit of a scrap with Scary Helen. Melody has been taught by a number of well-known business minds, such as the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Over with the boys, Edward is well up for leading it, and seems to be determined to use the day to prove he's not an accountant.
The girls (who all kind of look the same, to be honest, so forgive me if I get the names wrong) decide the best approach is to not spend all the money. They quickly choose to make fruit salads and vegetable pasta.The boys decide to make soup, on the basis that it can't kill anybody. There's a lot of cheering and back-slapping, and then an awkward silence when one of them (Glenn?) asks whether anyone knows how to make soup. No. Nobody knows how to make soup. Nobody appears to have the sense to use their iPhones to phone their mum and ask, either, or to Google "How to make soup", or to go to a freaking charity shop and buy a freaking cookbook with one of their 250 FREAKING POUNDS; fortunately, Edward The Non-Accountant stills the panic with an approach which may work - "just spend our 250 quid on produce, mash it up as quick as possible and sell it all". Not for him the working out of margins or the costing of ingredients; the boys will "roll with the punches".
Into the market to buy fruit and veg (Edward: "Is that an orange?" Vincent: "I dunno"), and a lot of talk about how they have to get moving. The boys buy millions of oranges to make orange juice, and leave Jim with £40 to spend on the ingredients for soup. He does a blinding bit of negotiation with a woman who doesn't have anything to sell him; he is also a little bit lovely, and you may hear me speak of him again. Anyway, this is better than the girls' approach to negotiation, which is to smile a lot and be irritatingly cheerful.
Now they have their ingredients, they have to start cooking. Edward is refusing to plan anything at all, which bodes well for entertainment purposes. The girls are fairly mundane; they don't really have enough stuff, but they manage to distribute it without incident into little pots that they'll flog for some rip-off price to the general public. The boys are, again, "rolling with the punches"; Leon starts juicing the million oranges, argues with Edward, breaks the machines, argues with Edward again, and ends up ensuring that they have to squeeze 1,400 oranges by hand. Karren Brady has a little smirk at them, and Edward gets a bit confused about why they're not selling anything yet.
Meanwhile, back at Team Venture, Scary Edna, Scary Ellie and one of the other girls are making vegetable pasta which looks like it's been dredged up from the bottom of a river. They're not making it with any kind of urgency or haste, and end up missing the lunchtime rush and trying to flog it as something for people to take home for dinner.
Tom The Lovely Inventor is juggling oranges to advertise the boys' tomato soup, and Lovely Jim is looking lovely in an orange apron. Some of the boys go off to sleeze round office workers and convince them to buy orange juice; much to Karren's disappointment, it seems to work.
The girls have finally got round to turning up at their stall, where Ellie makes a sign advertising "vegatable pasta", and then danders round trying to encourage people to do her a favour and buy a tub of the stuff. Helen is at the opposite end of the enthusiasm scale ("Hello! Would you like to buy some pasta?!", in a voice normally reserved for student evangelists at the CU mission week), but has no success either.
Selling is over, and it's back to the boardroom, with the boys congratulating themselves on how well they rolled with the punches. I sense impending doom, because I have the insight of a very insightful person who has a crystal ball and is feeling especially insightful that day. They do the sum-up thing with Lord Shugagh: the boys didn't really like Edward, and the girls thought Melody was lovely and wonderful. Edward has a weird way of talking. He apparently 'hand-picked' Jim, because Jim was clearly a 'soup man'. Other quotes include:
"My strategy, different. Very different. Bottom up not top down, because I didn't know how many I was gonna sell. Didn't wanna speculate. Didn't know what I was gonna sell it for. Didn't wanna speculate."
"When I was producing, that was production."
Lord Shugagh: "You were trained at one of the top accountancy firms, I believe"Lord Shugah is in serious danger of erupting, but unfortunately we move on to the girls. Melody is all pleased with herself because she came up with the team name, and also she was team leader.
Edward: "Don't fit the mould"
On to the figures, and the boys made £432.13 with the soup and juice. The girls only made £37.28 on the river sludge, but made £555.05 from the fruit salad, and are off to a champagne reception in the fancy house, where they all get patronised by Melody, and Susan "easily amused" Ma does a bit of snarking behind her back.
Over at Cafe Loser, the cups have been upgraded to those big posh ones, with saucers and teaspoons, and the boys sit around sadly and wonder how they could have made more orange juice.
Back in the boardroom, we return to Edward's strategy of not really having a plan, and it is generally agreed that having a plan would have been good, and that maybe if Edward had done something other than try to prove he's not an accountant, it might all have been ok. Edward says it would have been better if he had made more money, which is also generally agreed upon. They all blame Leon for breaking the juicers; Karren seems particularly put out by this, and accuses him of "mishandling the equipment", which makes me snigger slightly.
We establish that Alex spent all day cutting bread and cleaning things, and he develops a kind of scowl and nervous tic. Anyway, Edward's bringing Leon and Gavin back in, and the others are sent back to the house. Tom The Lovely Inventor apologises to Lord Shugah on his way out, which I find rather endearing.
Back in, it's obvious that Gavin's only there because Edward doesn't like him; Leon appears to be on shaky ground, but ultimately has committed no crime other than being incapable of using an orange juicer, and Edward's gone. Which is good, because he's kind of weird and also he tries to keep himself in by saying "Not only am I the youngest in the team, I'm also the shortest".
Heh. Stuart Baggs was younger and shorter. That's all I'm saying.
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